The Provo Liquor Penguins

On Game Day, Players Left Team Shorthanded

2012-01-26T08:24:00.000-08:00

Fair-weather P-Hickey and No-show R-Tenaglia separated themselves from their Penguins’ teammates the other night when they refused to join the team at the rink, during a game centered on beating the Herd and moving up in the standings.

The two players issued separate statements, released by neshl.net and on their respective Facebook pages early this morning. Although both players had different reasons for not playing, both of them cited disillusionment with the U.S. government.

“I believe the U.S. Government has grown out of control," P-Hickey stated, “threatening the rights, liberties, and other fun stuff that we want to do. I’m tired of waiting until I’m 16-years old in order to drive a car! I can’t wait two more years!! The man is just trying to hold me down!"

“I don’t want to play any more,” admitted R-Tenaglia. “My brother is so much better than I am, it is embarrassing. Why isn’t the U.S. Government doing anything about this? I’m the brother that doesn’t spark-up before our games and yet somehow I’m the one that looks stoned out there! I hate him!”

We can all appreciate their right to say all of that and more, it is a free country, and they can sing this kind of absurdity from their home, the ice, and the bathroom stalls at Iorio.

But this game was not about politics until these two made it about politics. The game, long set on the calendar, was a game when the Penguins were to play their arch nemesis the Herd. It was their day in the hockey spotlight, until these clowns didn’t show, and then the focal point became the two guys who were no longer on the ice.

Shabby. Immature. Unprofessional. Self-centered. Bush league. Need I go on? All that and more applies to what they did, on a night when the rest of the Penguins players willfully joined the battle against the Herd.

The only good news was that with both of these players out of the line-up, the Penguins were poised for victory. However, Curhin did show-up, so the Penguins settled for a 4-4 tie.

Penguins Suck, Wilson Named MVP

2012-01-11T13:02:00.000-08:00

Dedham, MA - Last night the Penguins lost to the Old Dogs by a score of 2-1, giving up the winning goal with less than 30-seconds to go in the game. The lone goal for the Penguins was scored by S-Hickey, the only Hickey to actually care about the team, with Tragakis and Wilmot pitching in for the assist.

"To be honest, it really stinks," commented Wilmot during his post-game press conference. "I served up a beautiful pass to Tragakis, right across the crease, and the old bastard missed it. If this is the way it is going to be I will miss the next pass he gives me as well. I can and will do that all day long, damn it!"

In what can only be considered disturbing news for the team, Pat Hickey refused to show-up once again for the game, this time citing his need to compete at a higher level.

"It was a Dungeons and Dragons tournament," Pat stated from his phone. "I have this elf now with really cool invisibility powers, and magic slippers! I had to roll the dice tonight and see if I could reclaim the Land Of Orn and be supreme ruler. Sorry about missing the game, but this was really important!"

The loss hurts and sucks. The team is devastated, and everyone wants to puke. With that said, the goalie, which like Prince and Madonna only goes by the single name 'Wilson' filled in for Roode 1 and showed extreme prowess. Wilson stepped into the crease and proved to the world that magic can happen not only on a D&D board but on the ice!

Wilson put on a show for the players and fans alike, demonstrating goalie skills unseen in NESHL history. Although he allowed the last goal with under 30-seconds to go in the game, Wilson still received the Jefe Del Huevo Game MVP award for his solid effort.

“I was promised a solid defense during the game and a cold beer in the locker room,” Wilson said after the game. “I would have been happy with either one to be honest but neither of them? Who the hell is Youngblood and why did he make a promise he could not keep? As God is my witness I have never been lied to or cheated like I was tonight! Youngblood will rue the day he brought sunshine into all of our lives by saying he would bring beer, only to rip our hearts out and stomp on our intestines by not bringing the damn beer! I will destroy him the next time I see him! What is it with this team they didn’t even bring water for the bench?! You bunch of non-hydrating mother-[expletive]’s!!!!”

Penguins Downed by Leafs

2012-01-09T08:44:00.000-08:00

Foxboro, MA – What had been deemed the ‘Greatest Game of Their Lives’, last night’s game between the Penguins and the Maple Leafs has now been downgraded to nothing more than a fun night out with the boys. With the downgrade, the Penguins loss is a mere hiccup in the long Winter Season, and has no more significance than a casual afternoon pick-up game.

“We thought it was a huge game,” admitted Tragakis after the game. “However, after further evaluation, and seeing how we lost, we now realize that it was just another game in the regular season. It was nothing to really get worked up about. Our next game however, is definitely the biggest game of our lives!”

The Penguins started the game off strong, with goals coming from Sniper and Lufty, however the Maple Leafs managed to score four-times in the 1st, deflating the tires of the Penguins Goalie, Roode 1.

“I don’t know what happened,” Roode 1 said, shaking his head in disgust. “I’m playing with a broken hand, but that is no excuse. I’m missing my spleen, and I have a ruptured appendix, but again no excuses! Unfortunately, the doctor says I also need a quadruple liver by-pass, as that is not functioning correctly either, but he wants to wait on this until I have my collapsed lung fixed. Of course I can barely stand in the crease with my fractured fibula or tibia, I can’t remember which, but no excuses from my side!”

The Penguins managed to score two more goals, as S-Hickey scored in the 2nd and Sniper scored his second goal of the night in the 3rd period. But it was not enough to overcome the Leafs who slowed the puck down and seemed to use some form of mind-control to will the puck past Roode 1.
With final score of 6-4, the Penguins once again lose to the vaunted Leafs.

“It is difficult to take,” admitted P-Hickey. “I could have gone to see that new Smurf movie, but instead I decide to show-up to a losing game. Next time it is popcorn and a front-row seat at the Regal Cinema for this cat!”

Prior to the game, one player, Bilbo checked-in as active but did not show for the game. Apparently, Bilbo was busy doubling the number of Dunkin Donuts stores in his neighborhood, and he now owns eight stores all on the same block.

“You can’t have enough doughnuts,” Bilbo commented during a post-game phone call. “The way I see it, you can now walk into one of my Dunkin Donuts, and buy a coffee. You can then walk out, and enter another one of my Dunkin Donuts and buy a muffin or a breakfast sandwich. And you can do this now all the way down the block until you are full or sick. Whichever comes first. Or if you have eight guys you don’t like, you can all go into a different one of my Dunkin Donuts and not see each other. The possibilities are endless!”

The Penguins will get another shot at taking down the Leafs in two weeks, but must first get through the Old Dogs this Tuesday night at 10:10 PM at Boch Ice Arena in Dedham.

Penguins Scorch the Scorpions

2012-01-04T05:33:00.001-08:00

WALPOLE – The Penguins continued their winning ways last night with a 9-1 victory over the Scorpions. Although the Scorpions came out strong, they were unable to keep up with the Penguins who had a season high 9 goals on the night.

“This is why we practice four nights a week,” stated Jacques Douchey, Penguins coach. “Oh wait, that is my other team. I don’t think the Pellicans practice. In any case, a solid win against a solid team. On a side note, I’m benching Wilmot…not sure why yet, but I will issue a statement later this week.”

Goals for the Penguins came from S. Hickey (5), Youngblood (2), Sniper (1), and Tragakis (1) – although it is assumed this is a typo as this would be a miracle if Tragakis actually scored.

P. Hickey Out For Game

Pat Hickey once again was reported as active for a game, but once again missed an important, perhaps the biggest game of the year. According to team sources, Hickey’s school ‘The Ronald J. McMuffin Day School’ had a mandatory field trip to Chucky Cheese’ for all students that coincided with the game. The students were shown a movie and given a presentation by Officer Norton about ‘Stranger Danger’.

“We felt it was important that he go,” admitted Mrs. Hickey, Pat’s mom. “The little fella keeps going up to strange people and asking them if they will ‘pet his monkey’. We aren’t sure what he means by that, since he doesn't actually have a pet monkey, and to be honest it has us a bit concerned.”

Eggman in Training

With the ‘Eye of the Tiger’ blaring through the circa 1980’s boom-box which was carefully set on his back deck, Hombre Del Huevo pounded out an exhausting skate on his homemade backyard ice-rink. This is the first official training session captured on film of Huevo since his agent announced he would be preparing for the upcoming Summer season.

Unfortunately, his backyard ice-rink is only 8’ x 8’and only allows Huevo to take one stride before stopping and turning around.

“Actually he can’t stop that fast,” confirmed Dougie Sanchez, Eggman’s agent. “There wasn’t a lot of room in his backyard, so we made do with what we could. He actually stole the sideboards from his neighbor’s deck, who is on vacation, and built it by hand. Since he can’t stop that fast, we lined the outside of the rink with pillows…we are pretty sure his wife is going to be pissed when she finds out, but he is determined to get back in shape for the upcoming season.”

The media was allowed to watch this training session, which lasted just over 14 minutes in duration, the majority of which time was spent choosing his workout music. For 10 of the 14 minutes Huevo struggled with the selection, going back and forth between ‘What a Feeling’ the theme from Flash Dance, and ‘Eye of the Tiger’ the theme from Rocky.

“Finally I just picked the cassette tape that was in the best condition,” stated an exhausted Eggman, after the training session. “I could have gone either way, as I am obviously training hard like Rocky did in the movie, but I’m also wearing leg-warmers just like the Flash Dance movie. Tomorrow I will kick-it-up a notch, and will probably train for 16-18 minutes, but we’ll see how long it takes to pick the workout music before I commit. I don't want to be on the ice longer than 5 minutes tomorrow. Besides I have only gained 78 extra pounds since I retired, so I’ll be fine!”

Penguins Clip the Wings

2011-12-27T08:33:00.000-08:00

Walpole, MA - Following a two game loosing streak and a forfeited game, the Penguins were looking for redemption last night when the took on Division leaders The Wings, at Iorio Ice arena at 10:30pm. Redemption they wanted, and redemption they got. After Sean Hickey and Pat Hickey bailed on the game, after checking-in as active for the game, the Penguins had to quickly re-group and reset their lines.

"Not sure what happened," claimed Tragakis after the game. "But it was magical! I think the Hickeys were holding us back - we were amazing! It might just be because I skated with Wilmot and Sniper, the two scoring machines! But it worked!"

Although no scores or stats have been posted by the NESHL, the Penguins scored early and often, with goals coming from Sniper, Wilmot, Youngblood and Sherwood...and maybe a few other players. In the end the Penguins beat the Wings with a score of 6-5.

"It got a bit chippy out there," cited Sniper during his post-game press-conference. "That might have been my fault. Roode 1 was on his best behavior, so I had to step-up and try and insight a riot. It didn't work, but I got damn close!"

Next up for the Penguins, a Tuesday January 3rd tilt versus the Scorpions at 9pm at Iorio. The Penguins hope to continue their winning ways.

On an additional note, former Penguins Captain Chris Eighmy has begun working out with a trainer, and was seen at the Marlboro Ice Arena working out on the ice in a limited capacity. Although rumor has it that he will be cleared to play for the Penguins in the Summer Season, neither Eighmy nor his agent have made an official statement at this time.

The Game that Never Was

2011-12-19T12:08:00.000-08:00

Foxboro, MA – Hoping to get back on-track, the Penguins who were on a two-game losing streak, took on a chippy Analog team in what is now being called the ‘game that never was’. In front of a sold-out crowd, the Penguins dominated the ice from the opening puck-drop until the end of the game, and still managed to squander the win.

“If you look at the big picture,” commented Jacques Douchey, coach of the Provo Penguins. “Hell, never mind, this team never looks at the big picture. We just dropped a giant deuce in our own glove tonight. No need for anyone else to do it for us, we just did it to ourselves! Of course we have to remember to bring our gloves to the game in order to crap in them, but that is another thing!”

The Penguins scored four goals in the first period, two from Sniper and two from Hickey-1. Analog managed to tack a goal on in the 1st period as well, but the Penguins were well on their way to winning the game.

“How is scoring goals like my little toe?” asked Wilmot who was sporting a giant, fake red nose, after the game. “I bang my little toe into the coffee table, just like I bang the puck into the net! Ba-da bing! I’ll be here all week people! Thanks for coming out tonight, drive carefully, and don’t forget to tip your wait-staff!”

But this game just wasn’t meant to be, and conspiracy theories abound. At least a handful of witnesses claim that Roode 1 intentionally left his blocker-glove at home, replacing the more durable and protective glove with a non-protective latex doctor’s glove.

“It seemed like the right thing to do at the time,” admitted Roode 1, who was being treated at the Newton-Wellesley hospital for a stress-fracture. “I didn’t want to be weighed down with all the extra padding and it seemed like I would have a better feel for the puck with a thinner more maneuverable glove. And to be honest, in some ways I feel like I am surgeon in the crease, so the latex glove seemed to make sense. However, in retrospect, my hand really, really hurts. I can’t feel anything below my elbow, and the bone is exposed. I think my idea might have backfired, but only history will know for sure!”

With a fractured hand, and a substantial lead, Roode 1 changed the direction of the game when he decided he had enough jive-talk from Analog. With the enemy in his crease, Roode 1 struck back with a flurry of punches, and was immediately ejected from the game. With no goalie, the game was over, and the Penguins will forever remember The Game that Never Was.

“The good news is we are getting some great discounts on Anger Management Training [AMT],” exclaimed Chris Stattler, Penguins HR administrator. “Apparently they have a rewards program. If a player goes to AMT three consecutive seasons, they get a hell of a break on the fees. At this point Roode 1 is pretty much going for free. I’m pretty sure he will reach platinum membership this time around!”

Although the game was called due to this altercation, one shining moment came when the referees were ready to call the game and Tragakis mentioned that the team had another goalie. Much to their surprise, the referees agreed to allow the Penguins to continue if they could get someone dressed quickly. With the go-ahead from the ref, all eyes turned to Curchin.

“I think his exact words were ‘you have to be [expletive] kidding me, I’m not playing [expletive] net’,” remembered Tragakis after the game. “He was laughing pretty hard and said we were pretty [expletive]-up to think he was going to change over and play net. At which point, I think he started humping the boards, I'm not sure why he just seems to do it a lot. Anyway, it was pretty powerful. It actually brought a tear to my eye. If there is one thing you can say about Curchin, it’s that he puts the team first!”

Penguins Prepare for Analog

2011-12-16T13:37:00.000-08:00

Walpole, MA - After taking on their archrivals The Herd, the Penguins began five-a-day practices in order to prepare for Analog. All practice sessions have been behind closed-doors, and rumor has it that the players have refrained from eating or drinking the entire week leading up to the game.

"Not eating or drinking before a big sporting event may be considered radical to some people," admitted Samu Gupta, spiritual advisor to the Penguins. "But a Penguin that is full excrement cannot soar. Nothing coming out your hole, means you will score a goal!"

Although players have been off-limits to the media, the front-office held one press-conference before the game, allowing the president and general manager of the club Jacques Dupuis to provide his thoughts on the upcoming game.

"This will be a tough game for sure," stated Dupuis. "Analog has been a worthy adversary for many years, so from the Penguins organization all the way down to the individual players, we are not taking this game lightly. Our job is to combat their slew of ringers with better conditioning, and the whole voided-bowel thing. Not sure how that really works, but after two losses in a row we will try anything!"

The game is slated for 9:10pm in Foxboro, this coming Sunday night, and could prove to be a bloodbath. With the league commissioner on vacation, the referees will have to rely on officiating, and not picking favorites to manage the game.

"It could be tough," said the referee that looks like the Family Guy. "Normally we get an envelope with some cash and a note on who should win or lose that night's game. I will have to re-read the rule book, we will be on our own for this game! I'm nervous!"

League Parity Prevalent

2011-11-29T12:45:00.000-08:00

Walpole, MA – If getting a tie in a hockey game is analogous to kissing your cousin, the Penguins should hitch-up their double-wide and head-down to West Virginia for the eventual filming of the Deliverance II movie. The Penguins racked up their fourth tie of the young season, against the league pampered Maple Leafs, keeping them undefeated and giving them a 3-0-4 record.

“The Penguins need to find a way to win, that is for sure,” commented Brad Campbell, spokesman for the Penguins. “But when you are up against a team that is coddled and treated differently than the other teams such as the Maple Leafs, you have to be happy. The Leafs just have too many advantages and it is obvious that having the commissioner on their team does provide benefits. Such as preferred referees who turn a blind eye to the chippy-play by the Leafs when they should be calling penalties…you know, stuff like that!”

The Leafs had their way with the Penguins in the first period, scoring the first two goals of the game. It looked like the Penguins were headed toward their first loss of the season, until Ryan Hickey did what he does best by slipping the biscuit into the basket at the end of the 1st period.

“It was scary not having Pat on the same line as Sean and I,” admitted Ryan after the game. “At first Sean and I were too frightened to play our brand of Hickey-Hockey, but after we settled in it was lights out bitches, it was game on Hickey-Hockey style!”

In the second period, Sniper scored early tying the game, but the Leafs relying on cheap hockey tricks, scored once again to take a 3-1 lead.

“We needed a miracle,” stated Bilbo from his locker. “We needed a miracle so I channeled Tim Tebow, only I called upon Pierre Montcalm, the patron saint of Canadian hockey to guide us to a tie. Seems kind of foolish now that I prayed for a tie and not a win, but it is still beauty heh?!”

With Saint Montcalm looking over their shoulder-pads, none other than Johnny Wilmot skated into the crease to provide the Penguins with what can only be deemed the ‘second greatest tying goal in Penguins history’. The first of course, being Tragakis’ game tying goal with a mere 2-seconds to play in the most historic game against Analog earlier this year.

With nothing but his skill, and a penchant for finding the puck in the dirtiest-of-dirty places in front of the net, Wilmot buried the puck top-shelf to ultimately give the Penguins the game tying goal in the 2nd period.

“We are tying machines,” proudly stated Wilmot, who was busy cleaning-up the route 128 rest areas after the game. “I play hockey for one reason, and that is to tie. I think we have proven that we can tie with the best of them. This is neutral Swiss hockey at its finest, and I love it! And I’m not even Swiss!”

Tie Goes To The Winner

2011-11-23T05:25:00.000-08:00

Foxboro, MA - The Penguins tied the Old Dogs last night, and kept their non-losing streak in tact. The non-loss gives the Penguins a 3-0-3 start for the season, and it was good. Very good!

Penguins-UP!

2011-11-15T08:27:00.000-08:00

Walpole, MA – Angry…that is the only word that can be used to describe last night’s referee. He was an angry, bitter little man, but even that did not put a damper on the outcome of last night’s dismantling of the Scorpions by the Penguins.

“It put a little damper on the night,” commented a dejected Matty Dimock. “I threw myself out of the game, and sat myself in the locker-room. It is the first time I’ve had to take such drastic measures with myself, but the angry ref really got to me, so I took myself out of the game and gave myself a timeout. I feel a little better now.”

The Penguins came out strong in the first period, with Sniper snapping a blistering shot past the Scorpions’ goalie. However, the Scorpions stormed back and tied the game later in the 1st period, when Roode 1 came 30 yards out of the net to stop the puck. Strangely, the Scorpions were able to score on Kenney who stood between the posts, wishing he could pick-up his stick a little more easily.

“It was really frustrating,” admitted Curchin after the game. “I had an assist on that first goal, and when I’m assisting like a mother-[expletive], I don’t like to lose, especially when the referee is such an angry, spiteful person. Besides I haven't had a point in the last 134 games, so this is big!”

The wheels seemed to come off the Penguins bus in the 2nd period, when the Scorpions took a 2-1 lead. Roode 1 did all he could do to keep the puck out of the net, at times channeling Tim Thomas in what will surely be hours and hours of goalie prowess on the NESHL highlight reel.

“I did things in the crease last night that are illegal in some states,” stated Roode 1 during his post-game press conference. “Wilmot wouldn’t even do some of things I was doing in the crease…well he probably would, but even he would be embarrassed.”

Behind by a goal, the Penguins rallied on the bench and put on what can only be described as hockey “shock and awe”. Goals came fast and furiously in the period, with goals coming from Youngblood, Lutfy, Sniper, and two goals to cap off the night from Roode 2. The first of which was a blistering one-timer from the point that was clocked at 245 m.p.h..

“It was amazing,” said Bill Conner, the man that clocked the shot. “I’ve clocked shots from big Z on the Bruins, and this one was by far and away the most amazing shot I’ve ever clocked. I am just happy to be a part of history. Roode 2 is an inspiration to hockey and the entire world!”

Where things got real ugly, was when the angry referee took his emotional issues out on the Penguins players. The Penguins racked-up more penalty minutes in the night than they have for the entire year – with 10 minutes in penalties, all coming from the angry referee.

“It is a shame that the Angry One, that is what we call him, took out his anger on the Penguins,” commented Jason Dutton, spokesman for the NESHL. “So far we have put that referee through 76 hours of anger management classes, and still it has had no effect. We will next try electro-shock therapy to see if we can finally get him on-board with our program. We want nothing but the best referees out there, and with a few more years of therapy, we think he can be on par with the best we’ve got!”

The Penguins will next take on the Old Dogs on Tuesday November 22nd in Foxboro. As of last night, the Old Dogs and the Penguins have near identical records with the Old Dogs having a 4-0-2 record, and the Penguins having a 3-0-2 record. One team could walk away from the night with their first loss of the season.

The Provo Blog Apolgizes, Issues Retraction

2011-11-10T05:49:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday, 9 November 2011, the Provo Blog published an article on the recent tie between the Provo Penguins and Analog, also known as the ‘Greatest Tie in NESHL History on a Tuesday Night in November 2011 in Foxboro’.

The article was subsequently proven to have contained factual errors which erroneously awarded the first amazing diving goal of the night to Hickey-3, when in fact it should have been awarded to Hickey-1. The Provo Blog accepted the information that was provided by the referee and the scorekeeper as truthful, and hereby apologizes unreservedly for its error of judgment in this matter.

The Provo Blog will no longer take anything that the referee, the scorekeeper or the NESHL says as factual. The Provo Blog understands the damage that this article has caused the Provo Penguins and its leading goal scorer, Hickey-1, and we unreservedly apologize for this.

We will ensure that, in future, due process is followed and will endeavor to question any information that appears on the stat sheet. Errors entered the story immediately as it was being created and as we don’t have an editing process, there was really no way to catch this little snafu. As far as you know, an internal investigation is underway. Additionally, since Hickey-3 did not actually score the goal, he will no longer be called ‘Veinte Cinco’

Unusual Suspects Deliver Big

2011-11-09T11:57:00.000-08:00

Foxboro, MA – It was a night to be remembered. The Penguins took the ice to face a struggling Analog team, in a night that will be remembered as the ‘Greatest Tie in NESHL History on a Tuesday Night in November 2011 in Foxboro’. What made the night special is the way in which the Penguins were able to capture the illustrious tie.

After a scoreless 1st period, it appeared that any team that scored a single goal would walk-away the winner in the evening's tilt, but things weren’t what they appeared to be. Early in the 2nd period, the first of three unusual suspects put-the-biscuit in the basket for the mighty-Penguins. Surrounded by a hailstorm of gloves, sticks and utter Analog crease-violence, Hickey-3 dove in front of the net to deposit the first goal securely past the goalie to give the Penguins a one-goal lead. Both Hickey-1 and Hickey-2 were dumfounded.

“I may not be as well known as my brothers, but that is only perception,” stated an emphatic Hickey-3 after the game. Hickey-3 took the podium wearing dark-sunglasses, and was smoking a cigar. “I’m here to change that perception, and prove that Hickey-3 is number one! From now on, I want to be known as Veinte Cinco, ‘Twenty-Five’. Veinte Cinco has spoken!”

The confidence gained from the early lead was short-lived, as both teams went on a rollercoaster ride of emotions as the lead changed frequently throughout the game. Analog tied the game in the 2nd, destroying Roode-1’s hopes of a shut-out. With the game tied, once again an unusual suspect from the Penguins stepped up to score for the team.

Zipping around the back of the net, Youngblood-2 fought for the loose puck, and managed to flip it into the right corner of the net, beating the goalie and giving the Penguins the lead yet again.

“I may not have the skill or the strikingly good looks of my brother,” admitted Youngblood-2 when approached for an interview in the parking lot. “I may not have his sense of style, his penchant for cheap beer and weed. But I do have the ability to find loose-pucks, the same way my brother can find loose-women. So I’ve got that going for me…which is nice!”

But once again Analog roared back into the game, this time they not only tied the game, but took the lead with under four minutes to play scoring their third and final goal of the night. All seemed lost for the Penguins. Desolate Penguin’s fans began leaving the arena in droves, anticipating what appeared to be the first loss of the season for the Penguins. The fans that stayed however saw a much different outcome.

Backed into a corner with less than a two-minutes to play in the 3rd period, Bilbo sat his shift to allow the final unusual suspect, Tragakis to take the ice.

“I didn’t do this because I thought he would score,” laughed Bilbo when asked about this uncanny move. “I did it because Tragakis is a pain in the ass, and I was too tired to skate. So I figured it would get him off the bench so I wouldn’t have to hear him cry about not getting another shift. Hell, I just wanted a break!”

But the result was glorious. With mere two-seconds to go in the game, Sniper took a slap-shot to the chest, which Tragakis raked-up and managed to shovel the loose puck into the net, giving the Penguins and the world the ‘Greatest Tie in NESHL History on a Tuesday Night in November 2011 in Foxboro’.

“At best, these guys are low-level bench players,” cited Senior Hockey Analysis Today (SHAT) magazine’s Bert Gordon. “If you got a goal from one of them in a season you would have giggled like a little school girl, but to get a goal from all three of them, and not get one goal from the usual suspects of Hickey-1, Hickey-2, Wilmot and Sniper??? There is no doubt the world is ending in 2012! This is some crazy ass-[expletive]!”

With tears of joy streaming down his face, Tragakis was unable to answer questions or even comment on this most glorious tie after the game. Choking back the tears, he finally managed to fist-pump his chest and make a heart-symbol with his hands around the Penguin moniker on his jersey. His gesture spoke volumes to those in attendance, and showed the world the undying spirit this team takes onto the ice every night.

With all the excitement there was one glaring concern coming out of the festive night. Lutfy who said he would attend the game, did not attend. Local authorities were contacted, but the search came-up empty handed. Even the credible rumors of Lutfy singing in a karaoke competition in P-Town proved to be false. Although he still has not been found, the team has already enrolled him in a ‘Do What You Say’ program when and if he returns.

“This is a great program,” said Jim Coleman, spokesman for the Penguins. “They teach people to do what they say they are going to do. Like, let’s say you tell someone you are going to play in an upcoming game…this program will teach you to follow-through and actually do what you say you are going to do. Like actually show-up for the [expletive] game for example. It is a novel [expletive] approach, but we think it will pay dividends for Lutfy and the team.”

Chickie Flynn's, Penguins Join Forces

2011-10-26T12:35:00.001-07:00

Foxboro, MA – Early signs from the Penguins front-office appear to indicate that Chickie Flynn’s Restaurant in Foxboro has agreed to purchase half the Provo Penguins franchise, and co-own the team for the 2011/2012 season. In what can only be considered a blockbuster move, perhaps the biggest in hockey sports history, Chickie Flynn’s has agreed to terms in order to co-own what is indisputably the most famous franchise in the New England Senior Hockey League [NESHL].

“It is all but announced at this point,” indicated Bud Spellman, spokesman for the NESHL. “As we understand it, all sides have agreed to the terms, and aside from cleaning-up some paperwork, Chickie Flynn’s is now co-owner of the Provo Penguins. “

The announcement comes only hours after the Penguins pounded the Herd mercilessly last night, in a 6-2 demolition of the once dominant Herd hockey team. The Penguins, who are now 2-0-1 on the season, must now put aside the distractions from the past weeks negotiations, and continue to bring their flightless-bird hockey to the ice.

“This is exciting,” exclaimed Darrin Corning, reporter for Senior Hockey Analysis Today Magazine. “You are talking about the joining of the forces of entertainment, food, alcohol and hockey! This is a great day for hockey, and it is a great day for America!”

An official announcement is expected later in the week, and will mark the end of a long and arduous negotiation process. With that said, all sides appear to be more than satisfied with the deal, and a celebration at Chickie Flynn’s is forthcoming.

New Season Starts with a Bang!

2011-10-12T06:17:00.000-07:00

Foxboro, MA – The Penguins, like most teams in the NESHL, spent the long off-season rebuilding the team after what can only be called a disappointing summer season. After losing in the championship game to both the Maple Leafs as well as the referees, the Penguins team was in a state of disarray. What was once a team built on friendship and teamwork, the Penguins unraveled during the championship game, as the players turned upon each other during the fateful game, leaving everyone to wonder if the team could ever recover to its former glory?

“It was ugly, really, really ugly,” commented Lou Albano, writer for Senior Hockey Analysis Today (SHAT). “Those in attendance during that game against the ‘Leafs , were sick to their stomachs. Women, children, even grown men were Mearning [throwing-up] into the stands as they watched the Penguins unravel. I Mearned myself when I saw Dimock prison-rape Curchin on the bench. Oh my gosh, I just Mearned in my mouth thinking about it!”

But the long off-season allowed the Penguins to rebuild their team, and clear the air for the kick-off of the Winter Season which began in earnest last night, as the Penguins took-on the Old Dogs at the Foxboro Sports Arena. But this is not your father’s Penguins. This year’s team had some new additions, including the brother of the once prolific goal scorer Youngblood. Sporting the number ‘31’, Rob Tenaglia took to the ice for the first time in over 31 years. Considering that he is only 31 years-old, this was a huge step for the Penguins’ new offense man.

“Some people say that the double-runner blades will slow you down,” stated Rob after the game. “I didn’t notice any issues to honest, and my balance was great! What I was surprised about was my brother. In the past, every night he came home from a hockey game, he would tell me about all the goals he scored on defense. Yet last night he moved to offense and couldn’t get past the blue-line without losing the puck. If he keeps this [expletive] up, I’m going to need to be moved to a new line, because I need a little support out there. At a minimum I want to sleep in the top bunk tonight when we get home!”

Another addition to the team was the third Hickey, Ryan, who was a hold-out for last night’s game due to the issue over a contract extension.

“I realize I have only played one game with this team,” stated the third Hickey. “And that I only paid for half the season, but that should not prevent me from getting what I’m due. At a minimum I want the middle-bunk at home. It is only fair! Sean can have the top, and Pat can have the bottom since he is the youngest!”

As for the veteran goalie Roode 1, brother to defenseman Roode 2, the night proved to be a huge success.

“I’m just grateful that they were able to dislodge the puck from my trachea,” admitted Roode 1 after the game. “Those referees were really skilled with the forceps, so I did not need to throw any of my pads at them. They did a fine job. Next game I’m brining my own chiropractor, orthopedic surgeon and neurosurgeon. Hopefully that is all I need. After what I went through tonight, I deserve the top bunk!”

Penguins’ veterans and rookies alike put on a clinic for the fans by displaying some of the most awe-inspiring hockey ever seen at an NESHL game. However, since the NESHL now maintains all the statistics and game information on-line, all the information is wrong. According to the new website, Sean Hickey had two assists, and Sniper had two goals…which is odd since the game ended in a 4-4 tie, which means two goals were not accounted for.

“We were shooting for fifty-percent accuracy,” commented Doug Stanton, spokesman for the NESHL. “Clearly we proved that we can achieve that after only one night! This is a big win!”

So not only will players be fighting with the new, impossible-to-navigate Poinstreak website and the clueless referees, but the players will be forced to imagine what really happened on the ice, since it won’t come through in the on-line stats.

“It stinks and it sucks,” barked an angry coach Douchey. Douchey was the Penguins former coach, who returned this year on a one-year contract. “Can anyone tell me how to get to my team’s homepage? How do you see the games for just our team? When I called the support hotline, I got a support representative working at NASA. They are working on an algorithm now, which should indicate how to log-into the [expletive] system. Holy [expletive]! I’m losing my mind!”

Next up for the Penguins, is the hunt for the fourth Hickey brother. Until that happens, the Penguins will take on the Spartans on Monday October 17th at 10:10pm at Foxboro.

Quest for Cup Continues

2011-09-27T11:01:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – In the match-up of the century, America’s favorite hockey team; the Provo Penguins, dismantled the once dominant Herd hockey team in order to advance to the championship game. For the second season in a row, the Penguins have knocked the Herd out of the playoffs, and will take on either the Scorpions or the Maple Leafs next Monday night to establish ownership of the cup.

“I’m so excited right now, I could cut diamonds with my nipples,” screamed a jubilant Wilmot during a post-game interview from his locker. “Am I dreaming? Somebody pinch me! ”

As their opponent has yet to be named, the Penguins will be forced to a rigorous training regimen, which is intended to prepare them for either adversary.

“These teams are completely different,” stated former coach Jacques Douchey, from his home in Toronto. “If they skate faster and play better than the other team, and score more goals you would expect them to win. Well that approach may work against one team but not the other, or vice versa. In any case, the Pelicans need to strategically train for the unknown.”

How a team prepares for the unknown is…unknown, however, an inside source close to the team, believes that the Penguins will begin psychological training which will include both POW training and post-Apocalyptic conditions. According to the source, it was difficult for the training staff to find a location which would allow for such drastic training conditions, however, they eventually just settled on the bathrooms at the Iorio ice rink.

“It appears that the feces, and urine-laden bathrooms at Iorio met the criteria required for the ultimate post-Apocalyptic training exercises,” admitted the inside source. “Originally, they were going to use the Raynham ice rinks bathrooms, but that was just way over the top! You would pray for the Apocalypse before using them!”

Before the training however, the team celebrated in style last night, complete with doughnuts and bagels, and the sounds of Mearn erupting into any and every receptacle he could find within a 9-foot radius.

Amid the excitement of the upcoming game, at least one player was less than thrilled. Only moments after scoring the open-net goal to cap-off the 5-2 victory, Penguins’ forward Steve Tragakis was notified that he would be sent down to play for the Penguins’ minor league affiliate, the Deutschland Ducks. Tragakis is scheduled to depart for Germany on Monday, just before the start of the championship game. This move marks the first time in hockey history, in which a player was sent down to the minors during playoffs.

“Apparently, the Ducks haven’t paid for the season,” said a saddened Tragakis, during a phone interview. “So I need to help them get their payments in before the deadline for the discounted amount. As sad as I am to not be playing in the championship game, I also recognize the magnitude, and importance of my task. It won’t be easy to get the payments in on-time, but it is a really cool job, and very rewarding!”

Penguins Put Down Old Dogs in OT

2011-09-26T09:18:00.001-07:00

Walpole, MA – The NESHL playoffs kicked into full-gear last night, when the Provo Penguins took the ice to take on their league rivals the Old Dogs. The game was delayed by forty minutes, which many think was due in part to poor planning by the NESHL; however others believe there was a conspiracy targeted at Penguins’ veteran defenseman Youngblood.

“The game was delayed?” questioned a visibly upset Youngblood after the game. “That explains why I was there on time…that’s not cool! But at least I don’t feel so bad, knowing that it wasn’t my fault I was there on time!”

With Kenny, Dimock and Mearn out of the line-up, the Penguins came off the bench flat, but still managed to take a one-goal lead, as Sniper started things off early in the first period.

“I dedicate that goal to Roode 1,” screamed a jubilant Sniper from the podium. “I love you man! You are my brother from another mother! You complete me!”

With the first goal under their belts, the Penguins’ sense of confidence lasted for approximately 30-seconds, as the Old Dogs immediately tied the game on the very next puck-drop. Later in the first, Sniper scored once again, but once again the Old Dog’s immediately scored to tie the game again.

“I dedicate that second goal to Roode 1 too,” continued screaming Sniper. “You are my ‘everything’, Roode! Let’s party like its 1999!”

The 2nd period saw the same seesaw type of action, when Wilmot rose to the challenge and scored a huge goal that once again put the Penguins in the lead.

“It was the most amazing goal in the whole world,” said a proud Wilmot’s mom during her post-game phone interview. “He is awkward and clumsy, and very, very slow, but my little Johnny did it! He is not nearly as big of an embarrassment as he used to be…well, for tonight anyway!”

Later in the period, Sean Hickey also scored, but once again the Old Dogs would not roll-over, and the teams entered the 3rd period tied 4-4.

In the 3rd period the wheels came off the bus, when the Old Dogs took a 6-4 lead, and proceeded to play a rough, physical, borderline illegal game of hockey. The Old Dogs goalie stepped out of the crease on numerous occasions and tried to stab a few Penguins players with a make-shift shiv, which he crafted out of a broken goalie stick. Matters escalated to the point where the Penguins were in fear for their lives, until Sniper stepped in to disarm the situation by diving on top of the crazed goalie before anyone was maimed.

“I dedicate that fight to Roode 1,” Sniper said from Chickie Flynn’s bar after the game. “You are my world R-1!”

With each team receiving a game misconduct, and losing key players, the Penguins had their backs against the wall. But the energy level that was missing for three-quarters of the game, seemed to surge through the entire team after the fight, and Sean Hickey took matters into his own hands as he went rogue. With only minutes left in the 3rd period, the older Hickey scored two more goals on the night, giving himself a hat-trick and tying the game 6-6.

“If Tragakis didn’t put me on defense, I would have scored a hat-trick too,” commented Sean’s younger brother Pat Hickey after the game. “All I’m going to hear from the top-bunk tonight is how great he is and awesome he is and how cool he is…I hate it! Besides, it’s my turn to have the top-bunk!”

As the game went into overtime, the Penguins switched things up moving Roode 2 to offense and sending the Hickeys and Roode 2 into the fray. Mid-way between the five-minutes of OT Sean Hickey did what he does best, as he scored the game winning goal, sending the Penguins to round-two of the playoffs.

“My parents always liked me best,” commented Sean Hickey after the game. “And this is just one reason why! A four goal night! This is also why I have the top bunk and why I don’t have to sit in the middle seat of the car anymore! I rule!”

Penguins Overcome Adversity, Win Big!

2011-09-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

Foxboro, MA – We shall overcome. These three words were permanently etched onto the cement walls of the Provo Liquor Penguins locker-room over forty-years ago, by Guy Fontaine, the Captain of the 1966 Penguins team. The year he scratched these words onto the wall, the team went 1-16-0, and were nearly removed from the league and moved down to the ‘D’ level. Although the words had little bearing on that season, no words ring truer for today’s Penguins. Faced with adversity after adversity, the team has overcome all obstacles, and once again proven they are a team to be reckoned with, by beating their archrivals the Herd in front of a sold out crowd in Foxboro with a score of 4-2.

Just before last night’s game, the team was notified that both veteran forward Sean Kenney (sprained uterus), and all-star goalie Chris Roode (torn ovary) would not be playing in the game. This last minute notice left the team reeling, desperately trying to fill the void of their once reliable goalie.

“We weren’t concerned at all about Kenney,” admitted Mearn after the game. “Anyone can step in and fill his spot. We were worried when we found out last minute that Roode 1 wasn’t going to play. We kind of need a goalie. So that was troublesome. I mean, seriously? Is having more than two hours to get a fill-in goalie asking too much?”

With their goalie missing, the Penguins turned to their defenseman Ryan Curchin, who dragged his goalie pads out of the basement, dusted them off, and stepped into the crease for the first time in three years.

“All I was thinking was holy [expletive], holy [expletive] we are dead,” said Matt Dimock during his post-game press-conference. “I don’t respect Curchin as a player or as a human-being for that matter. So when he stepped into the net, I thought we were dead, and I would have slipped out of the locker-room before the game, but a few guys saw me so I had to stay. As hard as it is for me to admit, Curchin did a great job, and although I think he is pond-scum as a person, I have to admit I respect him as a goalie.”

The Penguins went up 1-0 early in the first period, when Youngblood ripped one past the goalie off a pass from Pat Hickey. This early lead was short-lived, as the Herd scored immediately afterwards to tie the game in the first period.

“The Herd is comprised of a bunch of goons,” stated Bill Lancaster, writer for the Senior Hockey Now Magazine. “Everyone is aware of this team and their antics. These goons had 22 minutes in penalties last night. Think about that. For over an entire period, they were serving penalties. This is an abomination to the league and to hockey as a sport. There must be repercussions!”

In the 2nd period, the Herd went up 2-1, and things looked to be going the Herd’s way, until Mearniac took his game to the next level, and channeled Charlie Manson on Ice. With his hair on fire, Mearn who stepped in to play defense for the night, scored the tying goal with a spectacular shot that sent the goalie into the fetal-position. Mearn up-chucked again in the 3rd period, putting the biscuit in the basket one more time, this time giving the Penguins a 3-2 lead.

The one-goal lead would be all the Penguins needed to take this one, but Sean Hickey put the final dagger into the Herd’s chances, by winning a face-off circle in his own defensive zone, and managed to flip the puck the entire length of the ice to score on the empty net.

“Twenty-two minutes of penalties?” qustioned NESL hockey analyst, Chet Michaels. “Do these guys play hockey at all? Was there a jail-break that I didn’t know about? I’ve never heard of such a thing. It is shameful, and embarrassing to all those involved. I can only hope they stop the violence, and begin playing hockey once again.”

Next up, the Penguins will take on the Leafs on Monday September 19th at 10:10 PM. Who the goalie will be no one knows, but what is known, is that the team will probably have less than 30-minutes to find a replacement.

Penguins Soar!

2011-08-31T17:58:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA - To say that the Penguins season started off slowly would be the understatement of the century. In the first half of the Summer Season, the Penguins racked up so many losses, their dedicated fan base abandoned the team, in order to watch Dancing with the Stars in the hopes of seeing a winner. But that was the first half, and what a difference a half-season can make! In the last five tilts, the Penguins haven't lost a game, moving them off the bottom and into playoff contention in the standings.

Last night the Penguins continued their winning ways and dazzled a sold out crowd with a 5-3 victory over the pesky Spartans. Sean Hickey led the team off as he masterfully slipped the puck past the goalie midway through the 1st period. It truly was a thing of beauty, leaving Wilmont weeping in the stands screaming ‘Why can’t I quit you Hickey!’

Looking to capitalize on the one goal lead, the Penguins sent Mearn ‘The Human Expectorant’ onto the ice. The Expectorant quickly took control of the puck and managed to up-chuck one past the goalie to give the Penguins a 2-0 lead.

Things were looking up for the resilient Penguins until they heard the call from the other bench to 'Remember the Spartans!' This war cry has been heard from the Spartans for the entire Summer Season, and has been used to rally the Spartans to overcome diversity, and brought them to where they are today. The Spartans’ O’Conner managed to score a goal in both the 1st and 2nd periods, bringing the Spartans within one goal off the lead.

Lutfy provided the lead once again in the second period, off a pass from Sean Hickey. The goal proved to be a critical one, as the Gagnon from the Spartans managed to score once again for the Spartans.

With the game on the line, Wilmont tried desperately to support his team by pumping-up the crowd with some nipple tweaking. As the fans went wild, so did the Penguins’ players. Pat Hickey immediately brought the puck down the left side, passed to his brother in front of the net who in turn dumped it off to Tragakis who did all he could do to maintain his balance and flip the puck past the goalie.

"It was magical," stated Tragakis from his locker. “I mean I thought it was magical. Pat Hickey said it was more like an anomaly. Anomalies can be magical, right?”

What happened next was even more magical. Roode 1 channeled Tim Thomas and proceeded to stand on his head squashing a Spartan onslaught. Puck after puck was deflected from the net, marking a spectacular performance, one that will go down in the record books.

“That’s just how I like to play the game,” Roode admitted after the game. “I hope I saved a little in the tank for my Thursday night game with my other team. And just to show everyone my commitment to the Penguins, I’m already looking into a replacement goalie for next week, when I will be playing for my other hockey team. Unfortunately the games are at the same time, but I won’t let the Penguins down! I will find them a replacement for sure!”

With only a one goal lead, Sean Hickey put the game away with his second goal of the night, off of a sharp pass across the middle from Tragakis.

“I dedicate my second goal to Sniper” stated an emotional Hickey after the game, referring to his long time partner on the 1st line. “I make scoring look easy, but seriously, he is the wind beneath my hockey-wings! My little Penguin wings would not flap if it weren’t for that motor-boating son of a bitch! That goal is for you man!”

To celebrate the victory, Mearn sprayed the locker-room down with a fresh coat of stomach acid and bile, much to the delight of his teammates. The unleashing of his innards has become a post-game ritual after a big victory, and the evening’s boot-session did not disappoint.

Next up for the Penguins is a Tuesday night game against The Herd. The Penguins will have their work cut out for them, as they take on a team they have yet to beat this season.

Penguins Continue Not Losing

2011-08-16T13:30:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – Although the Scorpions recruited countless thugs off the streets of London, the rioters were unable to completely fend off the Provo Penguins. With countless acts of violence and malevolence, the Scorpions had hoped to intimidate a Penguins team that was already missing three-quarters of their defensive unit.

“It was a chippy game on the part of the Scorpions,” admitted Don Farnum, reporter for the NESHL Insider Magazine. “The Scorpions recruited a handful of thugs who had recently been looting in London, however their plan seemed to backfire. The depleted Penguins team rose to the occasion and matched them goal for goal. It was really remarkable how the Penguins were able to play a professional game of hockey, with all the nonsense going on by the Scorpions.”

With the Penguins’ defense on sabbatical, players like Bilbo, Sherwood and P-Hickey stepped-up in dramatic fashion, filling the gap on the defense. Curchin, the lone defenseman who showed-up for the game, was petrified before the game.

“I keep telling everyone I can skate backwards,” commented a relieved Curchin after the game. “But I don’t know why I keep saying that, since everyone can plainly see that I can’t. I can’t skate at all really. I’m just grateful that those guys stepped in, and let me play the brand of hockey I’m used to; the kind of hockey where I totally pinch, and pay little attention to opposing players who are looking for a breakaway. I think it worked out well.”

The Scorpions got on the board first, and put in a few quick goals to start the game. The Penguins in turn answered the call by scoring four goals in the first period, by two of the three partners in the Firm Sniper and S-Hickey. The two members of the Firm were handicapped with Tragakis for the night, but they still managed to keep the Penguins in the game.

“It is not easy to skate when you have a two-hundred pound anchor strapped to your back,” stated S-Hickey during his post-game press conference. “Tragakis is our anchor…not in the positive, foundational kind of way, but more like he was really holding us back out there. I want the defense to come back so I can get my brother back on our line.”

Tragakis, the anchor, did manage to tie the game at 5-5 in the third period, off a deflected shot from S-Hickey. It was the only time in the game that Tragakis did not take a shiv in his back, when planted near the front of the net.

Next up for the Penguins, is a much needed ‘bye- week’, which will give them the rest they need in order make a run for the playoffs with the final three games of the season.

Penguins Blast Analog

2011-08-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

Foxboro, MA – When you have an offensive threat like Johnnie Wilmont, it is only matter of time before he comes up big…and gets his first POINT of the season! With a lead at 1-0 in the first period, thanks to a spectacular goal by Pat Hickey, Wilmont broke the game open in dramatic and humorous style when he crashed the net, did a pirouette, and stuffed the puck past the goalie. It was his first goal and point of the season, and was a clear indication that he is back to form after his recent sex-change operation.

“It feels good,” commented the ecstatic Wilmont after the game. “Both going under the scalpel to become a man, and scoring that goal! Both are definitely turning points in my life! And with the breast reduction I'm less top heavy and can actually stay on my skates for more than 3 strides. Now that I figured out the pirouette move, I'm on my way to reaching my full potential as a hockey player and a woman...er...I mean man.”

After Wilmonts score, the Penguins went to work on Analog, with more goals coming from Pat Hickey, Sean Hickey, Sniper and Sherwood, which put the game out of reach and gave the Penguins a 7-0 win over a vaunted Analog team. Sherwood, who had already scored a goal earlier in the season, took it all in stride.

“That’s just how I roll mother-[expletive]’s,” stated Sherwood, who was wearing shades and smoking a cigarette at his locker after the game. “When the ‘Wood is on the ice, everything is nice! I’m thinking of holding out next season until they give me a puck-boy, to carry my pucks to the game. When you are T-Wood, it is all good!”

The Penguins are now riding a three-game win-streak, which is a huge achievement for a team who struggled for a large chunk of the Summer Season. The win also catapults the red-hot Penguins into the middle of the pack in the standings, a position they have aspired to be in.

When asked about the team's victory, the Penguins former captain had nothing to say.

“Who are the Penguins?” he questioned, while lying on the massage table awaiting his daily back-rub. “My back is in real bad shape, and it is starting to affect my memory. I don’t remember anything about hockey to be honest. With my back in the condition it is in, I’ve had to completely change my lifestyle. I do Yoga and Pilates three-times a day, just so I can jump on the trampoline and use a jack-hammer a few hours each day. This is the sad state of my life now. Oh yea, and I do some canoeing, hiking, dirt-biking riding, sky-diving, gymnastics and bull-riding. That is all I’ve got now that my back is in such bad condition, so even thinking about hockey is out of the question.”

The game did not go off without the usual Analog antics. There was some rough play on the ice as a few Penguins were gang-raped in front of the net throughout the game. Surprisingly, only one penalty was called on Analog's dirty-style of play.

“They call me Lumber Jack,” said Tragakis after the game. “Apparently, if there is a loose puck on the ice, and you are on the ground, you are supposed to stop trying to put the puck into the net. I was actually trying to poke the puck into the net. I wish I had known you were supposed to give-up when there is a loose puck in front of the net, and the opposing players are jabbing you in the arse with their sticks. I must have missed the scene in Oz when they played hockey...I'll be sure to check it out on dvd!”

The Old Dogs Say 'Win Is In The Bag'

2011-08-04T09:29:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – Complete with a disco ball, DJ and a six-hour karaoke competition, the Old Dog hockey team celebrated their victory late into the night at the Dirty Sanchez Bar and Grill. The fact that it was a Wednesday night did not raise any eyebrows, but what did cause some concern in the local hockey world was the fact that they were celebrating their upcoming win over the Provo Penguins. It is the first ever celebration of a victory for a game that has yet to be played.

“To be honest, we don’t see tomorrow’s game as a challenge,” admitted Terry Lancaster, the captain of the Old Dogs, who was on deck to take the microphone for the karaoke. “Some of our guys are busy tomorrow night, so we decided to celebrate our victory tonight. I’m not sure what the big deal is? Tomorrow’s game is in the bag, we will win it, so why not sing a little REO Speedwagon on the karaoke machine, and throw down some punch? What? It’s my turn? Awesome! I can’t fight this feeling anymore…”

This nonchalant attitude is not sitting well with the rest of the hockey community, including Bob Eldridge the NESHL Director of Social Activities.

“It is a common custom for a team to celebrate a victory after the win,” stated Eldridge. “We have never had a team celebrate a victory…before the victory has happened. As much as the NESHL agrees with the Old Dogs, we don’t think it is right to celebrate prematurely. We will be discussing this matter with the team shortly.”

The Old Dogs’ players all wore matching shirts with the words, ‘We will [expletive] the Penguins in the [expletive]! We win! Who dat? We dat!’. Additionally, the barroom walls of the Dirty Sanchez were adorned with posters showing an old dog [taking a bowel movement] on a dead penguin. The focus for the team at the end of the night, was a game of ‘Guess the Score’, where players guessed how much they would win by.

“I’m guessing seventeen to two in our favor of course,” chuckled Lou Mankin, goalie for the Old Dogs. “I’m being a little cautious because the Penguins probably won’t score at all, but I’ll give them the two goals to make it more fun. As for us, I think seventeen goals is conservative as well, but I figured I would take it since everyone else had us scoring thirty or more goals so I thought I would take the under.”

As is customary for the Provo Penguins before a big game, the media was not allowed into the pre-game practice, and no comments have been forthcoming. The only question to be asked now is whether the premature celebration party was just a sign of things to come, or did the Old Dogs celebrate a victory that was never to be? By 9:20pm tonight in Walpole, we will have the answer.

Penguins Victorious!

2011-07-26T08:05:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – The bottom-dwelling Provo Liquor Penguins beat the vaunted Maple Leafs last night at the Iorio Center, by a score of 3-2. The win marks only the third win of the season for the Penguins, but clearly indicates that the team has the league right where it wants it.

“We are like a bunch of raging alcoholics,” admitted Lutfy after the game. “We have to hit rock-bottom before we realize there is a problem. Now that we have done that, we can begin the turn-around that will launch us into the playoffs.”

The Penguins came out strong at first puck-drop, dominating the ice for the entire period, but only managing one goal by Sniper off of a sharp pass over the middle from Sean Hickey. The goal got the fans rocking in the stadium, generating electricity that could be felt throughout the building.

“We switched things up a bit,” stated Tragakis during the post-game press conference. “We moved Dimock to defense and Curchin to offense. This gave us an over aggressive defenseman, and an overly passive offense man. We are not sure how it worked, but it did! We may pull Roode 1 out of net and switch him with Sniper next game. “

Late in the 2nd period, Pat Hickey put on a laser-show of his own, by lifting a blistering shot that left the Leafs’ goalie floundering on the ice. The goal gave the Penguins a 2-0 lead, and the momentum. But as the Penguins tend to do, they let up the pressure, allowing the Leafs to score at the end of the 2nd period, cutting the lead to a goal.

“That is when I started to wet myself,” Roode 1 said while snacking at the Peking Garden late night. “Here I am going the whole night thinking of nothing but how nice it would be to walk away with a win for this team, and I let in a goal. Now I would have been really pissed if it had been the other team I play for, since that is where my heart is, but heck it still bothers me to let in goals. Ah well, it is all good practice for my other team!”

In the 3rd period, Sniper sealed the win with another goal assisted by Sean Hickey. Although the Leafs were able to score one more goal, the Young Gun Line provided too much offense for the Leafs to overcome.

As the jubilant fans vacated the building after the game, one fan remained rocking back-and-forth in his seat long after the lights were turned off, and the building was locked. The fan, which resembled ex-Penguins captain Huevo, who has been stripped of his ‘Hombre’ and ‘Jefe’ titles, remained seated deep into the morning hours, rocking and moaning. Some say he had a sign that read ‘Down with the Penguins! I stopped playing for them, but now I blame them for throwing me off the team! I hate them! They suck! Die! Die! Die! Eat [expletive], and die!’.

By all accounts this sign has the most words of any sign ever brought to a sporting event by a fan. Where the anger comes from no one knows. What is known is that Huevo is a very angry and bitter player considering he put himself on the DL.

Next up for the Penguins is a Thursday night tilt against the Old Dogs, and a restraining order against their former captain.

Penguins Lose, Former Captain Sounds Off

2011-06-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – The power and skill displayed by Tragakis and Lutfy in the 2nd period of Monday Night’s tilt, was not enough to push the Penguins past the Scorpions in what ended up being a gut-wrenching 4-2 loss at the Iorio Arena.

Both Tragakis and Lutfy scored in the 2nd period, briefly tying the game, but the Scorpions maliciously attacked Penguins' goalie Roode, leaving him unconscious in the crease, and allowing them to score the go-ahead goal in order to break the tie.

“We just assumed he was sleeping,” explained Bert Musher, head official during the game. “When we saw him lying there, face-down in a puddle of his own vomit, he just looked so peaceful we didn’t want to disturb him with the piercing blast from the whistle. It was awkward when the Scorpions’ players actually skated on his back and scored, but again how were we to know he had been knocked out? We don’t watch everything that goes on during a game!”

This was Roode’s first game back after suffering a concussion, only to be leveled by a Scorpions player who steam-rolled him into the net, and left him sprawled in a scrap-heap in front of the net. The referees, who refused to blow the whistle for the infraction, were quick to blow the whistle when one Scorpion managed to adroitly flip the puck over Roode’s limp body to break the tie.

“Let’s not rush to judgment on this one,” stated John Richie, spokesman for the NESHL. “Game six of the Summer Season is like the NHL playoffs, we don’t want whistles being blown over silly things like a goalie being knocked unconscious. Besides, it is harder than it looks to flip a puck over a motionless, limp body lying on the ice. It was quite a goal!”

The loss has had a drastic effect on the Penguins management and players alike, and the miserable start for the team has perplexed everyone including former captain Chris Eighmy. The former captain, who spoke from his rocking-chair on the porch of the Shady Oak Rehabilitation Center, in Sperryville, Minnesota, had a lot to say about the state of the Penguins.

“It seems apparent what the problem is,” stated Eighmy from the Rehab Center. “We made it to the championship game when I was playing, and the team is in the basement since I left. Could it be any more painfully obvious? I would be surprised if they win another game this season now that I’m out of the mix.”

These words of encouragement did not sit well with the team, especially the handful of players that have been around since the early days when the team was known as the Walpole Flyers.

“Jefe Del Huevo? Jefe is nothing to me now,” stated Youngblood after hearing Eighmy’s comments. “He’s not a brother, he’s not a friend. I don't want to know him or what he does. I don't want to see him at the rink, and I don't want him near my house. And if he visits one of my teammates, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. You understand?”

With the odds stacked against them; a losing season, a disgruntled former captain and constant infighting, the Penguins have an uphill battle in order to get the team back on track. If the hapless Penguins can’t right-the-ship, they will end-up pulling a Luongo, and go from playing in the championship game to flipping burgers with an early exit to the off-season.

Former Captain Steps Down For Good

2011-06-08T13:56:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA - Shocking the hockey community last March, Chris Eighmy relinquished his captaincy in the middle of an intense Penguins’ playoff bid in their first ever championship run. Today, Eighmy has done it once again by announcing his departure from the game of hockey, for personal reasons.

“At this time, I feel that it is in mine and my family’s best interest to step away from the game of hockey,” stated Eighmy, during a press-conference held earlier today. “In light of today, I am retiring all my nicknames; ‘Eggman’, ‘The Big Package’, ‘The Hairy Sack’, ‘Gimp’, and finally, the one and only, original, never to be duplicated or replicated … ‘Jefe Del Huevo’. From now on, you can call me Leon. Don’t ask me why, I just like the name.”

The announcement comes as a shock, as Eighmy has been an integral part of the team since 1991, when the team moved from Topeka Kansas to Walpole. At that time, the new ownership had built the team around Eighmy, who was the only player to remain with the team after the move.

“When we purchased the team, we knew we needed to balance out Eighmy with someone that was a complete opposite in every way,” said Bert Willard, one of the original owners of the Penguins, formerly known as the Walpole Mud Ringers. “We looked for someone that was fast, skilled and good with the ladies. We ended up with Youngblood. Hey two out of three ain’t bad!”

Eighmy would not say why he was stepping away from hockey, he would only say that lately he had that “not so fresh feeling” going on, and needed to get his PH balance back in-line. The news has concerned the Penguin front-office and players alike, as their team was built on Eighmy’s ability to motivate his teammates with a litany of abusive language and gestures.

“We will definitely miss him,” admitted Wilmot. “I thought he would eventually take back water-bottle duty. Does this mean I’m stuck with the bottles? Come on, are you serious?!”

The rudderless Penguins will be left to find their own way for the rest of this season, and beyond. Goodbye Leon you magnificent bastard! You will be missed!

Three Hickeys Don’t Make a Right

2011-05-11T05:21:00.000-07:00

Foxboro, MA – With the Penguins undefeated season on the line, a brash decision was made to call-up Ryan Hickey from the Penguins minor league affiliate the Providence Penguins, in order to bring the power of the Tri-Hickeys together for one night. In the end however, the decision to unite the Hickey clan ultimately destroyed the Penguins dream of an undefeated season, and handed them a devastating loss against the dreaded Dead Rabbits.

“We made a decision based on the best interest of the hockey team,” stated Penguins HR representative, and veteran forward Tragakis, during his post-game press conference. “We make decisions all the time and unfortunately we don’t have the luxury of going back in time, and changing the bad ones. I wish we did. When you invent a [expletive] time machine, give me a [expletive] call! I’ll hop in it and change the [expletive] decision to bring Ryan Hickey up! This interview is [expletive] over!”

The Penguins started off strong with a goal in the first period by Curchin, assisted by a visibly wobbly Youngblood. The shot overwhelmed the Dead Rabbits goalie, Teddy Pendergrass, who was left weeping in the net. Later in the first period, Mearn displayed his own brand of awe-inspiring skill by going end-to-end with the puck. His solo scoring drive resulted in a highlight-reel goal, once again leaving Pendergrass blubbering on the ice.

But the scoring came to a dramatic halt, when the Hickey-trio sauntered onto the ice. The Hickey brothers, whose chauffer inadvertently drove them to the wrong rink, showed up late and disheveled. When they arrived, the team was confident that they would easily score between 15 and 20 goals on the night, but unfortunately that did not happen.

It became apparent that it would not be their night, when scoring attempt after scoring attempt by the Hickeys was thwarted, and the Hickey brothers ended the night with a giant Bilbo Doughnut on their stat sheet. The lack of scoring ultimately forced the team to move Pat Hickey onto the defense in an attempt to stop the bleeding and to break-up the imploding Hickey line. But not even this act of desperation helped to add any scoring punch to the Hickey line.

“I think it was the socks that threw his game off,” stated a shell-shocked Sherwood from the locker room, referring to Ryan Hickey who wore two different colored hockey socks during the game. “I noticed his skating was off, and I think wearing the two different colored socks ended up causing him to favor one leg over the other. He might have liked one of the colors better or something. I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

The only positive that could be taken away on the night was the Curchin was able to get enough data to update his Scoring Probability Model.

“Originally, the data indicated that alcohol and narcotics only effected other players, and not Youngblood,” announced Curchin from his computer laboratory. “However, the data we received last night indicates that Youngblood’s game may be negatively affected by the use of barbiturates. I will have to do a lot more analysis; however, this seems to debunk the theory that Youngblood’s DNA is drug-proof on the ice.”

Eighmy Sidelined For Season

2011-05-09T09:34:00.001-07:00

Walpole, MA – After stepping down as the captain, Chris Eighmy expected to relax in his new role as Motivation Officer. However his own motivation will be tested in the coming months, after learning from doctors that he will need season-ending surgery, in order to continue to compete at the ‘C’ level going forward.

“We are saddened to hear this news,” stated Larry Flemming, spokesman for the Provo Liquor Penguins. “Losing Chris as captain was one thing, I mean what did he really do, right? But now to lose him for the season is devastating. We are hopeful for a full recovery, and are expecting that he will be ready to go by 2017.”

According to sources, Eighmy threw his back out while doing the ‘Dougie’ in his home last Friday night, after the Bruins victory. With that said, there seems to be some discussion on the exact injury.

“We have not decided on what surgery Eighmy will undergo,” admitted Bill Miller, Eighmy’s agent. “Back, neck, knees, the guy is riddled with issues. It will be a surgery-day decision on what will be tackled first. What we do know is that Eighmy is out for the season.”

News of his surgery has shocked the hockey world, and has left players and fans in despair. The only silver-lining, was highlighted by his defensive partner, Youngblood.

“I don’t need him,” Youngblood stated earlier today.

Penguins on One Game Win-Streak

2011-05-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – With a 6-3 victory over the up-and-coming Spartans, the Penguins set the stage for an unprecedented, undefeated season. The win marks only the second time in the Penguins history, that the team started the season off undefeated.

“It’s very exciting,” admitted Ryan Curchin after the game. “We are on roll right now, and I think we have a great chance of going undefeated. According to the data-model algorithm that I built over the past few months, if we win every game for the rest of the season, we will be able to remain undefeated. I will double-check the results of the model, but it seems to be on target as far as I can tell.”

The Penguins came off the bench in dramatic fashion scoring three goals in the 1st period, off shots from Sean Hickey, Pat Hickey and the new sniper, Sean Kenney. The Spartans managed to pick-up a goal in the 2nd period, but only to have it erased when Sniper did what he does best, by picking up the fourth Penguins’ goal on the night.

Defensively, the team was solid, except for one glaring flaw. Roode 2 was not only carrying his bag to the rink, but he was half-in-the-bag when he got there. Surprisingly, this did not result in better performance.

“I have a very sophisticated data-model algorithm for this as well,” added Curchin. “It seems that unless you are Youngblood, the drunker you are, the worse you play…I was blown-away by what the data was showing me with this one, but it is true. It may be the reason that real athletes don’t pound vodka shots before big games. I’m not sure…”

What set the defense into a tail-spin was the absence of the legendary defenseman Youngblood, who checked-in as being active before the game, but just didn’t show-up. Allegedly, Youngblood has quit the Penguins to play for last season’s champions, the Scorpions.

“Who is Youngblood?” asked a ranting Matt Dimock. “I played defense, and I don’t think we were missing anything, except maybe some hors-d'oeuvres on the bench. Maybe this Youngblood guy can bring some of those little wieners wrapped in the pastry?! That would be nice!”

In the 3rd period, the Spartans peppered Roode 1 in the net, with over 300 shots, leaving Roode 1 cramping and wanting of the nearest bathroom. In all, they managed two more goals, but the Penguins were not done by a long-shot. Sean Hickey and Sherwood emerged as the point-scorers, putting the biscuit in the basket to give the Penguins the 6-3 victory.

“I just tied my last season points total,” stated an elated Sherwood after the game. “I’m psyched to get the point out of the way in the first game, so now I can coast a bit and really enjoy the rest of the season! This is great!”

Neither Youngblood, Youngblood’s previous agent, nor his new agent were available for comment. However, a spokesman who was not an agent for Youngblood had this to say:

“Youngblood is a hockey diva,” admitted the spokesman. “Divas do not like other divas taking the spotlight. When Mick O’Meara fully recovered from a colon cleanse that went awry, and returned to the team, he took some of the fan-fare away from Youngblood. This hurt Youngblood’s feelings, and now Youngblood is seeking to lend his services to the Scorpions. Aside from the kid who skates forward wearing goalie skates, the Scorpions do not have a diva, so he will be able to shine over there. It is a win-win situation for Youngblood.”

Obama Names Provo Penguins ‘Americas Team’

2011-04-30T19:32:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – In a groundbreaking announcement, President Obama has named the Provo Liquor Penguins ‘Americas Hockey Team’, during an official ceremony in Walpole earlier today.

“I am proud to announce that as of this moment, the Provo Liquor Penguins are officially Americas Hockey Team,” began the President. “During these difficult times, a team like the Penguins emulates everything that is good about this country. They work in America, they buy American products, such as Miller Lite, and aside from the quiet Canadian fellow they are all American!”

This announcement caught many people by surprise, as there are so many other pressing matters that need attention right now, and the fact that Burt Obama, President of the Walpole Auto Parts has no official capacity to actually name America’s hockey team.

“The guy is a [expletive] tool-box,” stated an angry Walpole resident Don Remmington. “I’m not even sure he is actually the President of the Walpole Auto Parts store. I think he is just a manager. Why the hell is he even speaking to people?”

Angry residents lined the sidewalk when Burt Obama spoke, many of them threw rocks and spit at him, but Obama would not be dissuaded.

“As President, I also make every Monday an official holiday out of respect for the American Penguins,” Obama continued. “Everyone that wears a Penguins jersey will receive free auto-parts every night immediately following a Penguins victory!”

The Provo Liquor Penguins were not available for comment, although one front-office insider seemed to take the announcement in stride, when he tweeted “Who the [expletive] is Burt Obama? Is he dangerous? Is anyone looking into a restraining order?”

Penguins Ex-Captain Distraught

2011-04-26T06:38:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – In hockey, like most sports, the off-season is a time for rest and relaxation. For most, it is a time to reconnect with their friends and family, and to shed the stresses of the long hockey season. The off-season is no different for the players of the Provo Penguins, aside from one exception.

While most players were recharging their batteries on sunny beaches, one player remained locked behind closed doors, curled-up in the fetal position, rocking back-and-forth, in utter darkness. After making the brash decision to step-down as Captain during the most successful playoff run for the team in the current decade, Chris Eighmy spent the offseason angry and depressed, reflecting on his decision, and wondering if he had made a mistake.

Spending most of his time in his unfinished basement, word soon hit the street that Jefe Del Huevo had stopped talking and spent day after day flicking the light-switch on and off, staring into the light-bulb, while drinking gallons of Tiger’s Blood that he drank from an old hockey skate he wore when he was five years-old. Player after player was turned away at the door, left wondering if their former captain could regain any sense of sanity.

After days of waiting, Eighmy made a surprise appearance, standing on the top of his roof, wielding a machete and shouting ‘winner’ down at the throngs of supporters flocking to his home, and who had remained by his side during his darkest hours. But this was not to be the resurrection of their idol, instead, Eighmy moved back down into the basement, reportedly singing the Penguins Fight Song to a picture of Youngblood that was taped to the basement wall.

With all hope slowly ebbing away, team psychologist Roger Campbell made one last ditch effort to bring the ex-captain back to his senses. Dressing in nothing but a burlap loin cloth and war-paint, Campbell was let into the basement by Chris’ distraught wife.

“When you are dealing with someone who has lost all concept of reality, you have to dress accordingly,” admitted Campbell, who was recovering from injuries he suffered during his visit with Chris. “I went in with a loin-cloth and the war-paint, unfortunately, it had the reverse affect. When I stepped into the pitch-black basement, I heard Jefe yell ‘Die you Scorpion mother-[expletive], die!’. Fortunately for me, I lost consciousness right away. When they found me, I had the word ‘captain’ tattooed all over my body, and I was apparently wandering aimlessly down 495 south. I don’t think I got through to him…”

According to local police, Eighmy has made a series of phone calls from his basement to the Iorio Arena, speaking incomprehensively, in some made-up language. However, when the police played the recording backwards, they were shocked by what they heard.

“When we played the tape backwards, you can clearly here him saying; ‘the captain is dead, the captain is dead’, over and over again,” stated Bill Lubner, Plainville Chief of Police. “It is as clear as day. It gave me the chills to be honest with you. We also think we heard him say; ‘262.19’ which appears to be some nonsensical monetary value. We have no idea if this is some reference to his manifest destiny, or the coming of Satan. At this point we have his house is surrounded, and the Plainville Police Department is on full alert.”

As more and more news comes out about this devastating situation, all are left wondering if Jefe will ever skate again. With only a week to go before the season kicks-off, the entire organization is visibly upset. Just bringing up the mere topic, leaves most players speechless.

“Most guys don’t want to talk about it,” admitted Matt Dimock, veteran forward for the Penguins. “To be honest, I just don’t want Tragakis to be captain. Other than that, if Eggman wants to spend a few months in his basement, that is really his call. I’m going to miss most of the Summer Season anyway.”

Penguins Playoff Hopes Continue

2011-03-21T10:50:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – Chris Eighmy made waves yesterday, becoming the first person in hockey history to resign as the captain of a hockey team in the middle of a playoff run. The news came yesterday morning, only hours before the game, stunning the sporting world.

“My wife and my dog have been on my mind,” began Eighmy during his press-conference. “I almost orphaned them last week during the game against The Herd, and I feel like I never see them anymore. I’ve been holding on too tight, I’ve lost my edge. Because of this I will no longer be captain of this team. I apologize to my teammates.”

The news came in the middle of one of the most impressive playoff runs for the Penguins, and sent the hockey community into a tailspin. Questions immediately arose as to the mental state of the team, especially only hours before the tilt with the Old Dogs. Hockey pundits across the globe were left scratching their heads.

“They lost one game in a double-elimination playoff game,” stated Vincent DelCamp, HockeyIsU Magazine. “And the guy quits? Someone needs to look into the water that Wilmot is using in the water-bottles, something isn’t right. I mean this type of thing doesn’t happen in the middle of a playoff race! The bigger question is; who took Jefe’s huevos?”

This question may not be answered, but what was answered last night in front of a sold-out crowd, was that the Penguins were up for the challenge. With their captain now nothing more than an average player, with limited talent, the Penguins took the ice and beat the Old Dogs in a game for the ages.

“The Old Dogs played one hell of a game,” said Youngblood from his car, both before and after the game. “That little kid sees dead people, Mearn sees projectile vomiting, and I see the future of our hockey games. I knew we would win. I saw it in a vision, along with Bilbo, walking through the streets of Montreal wearing nothing but hockey socks and playing a tambourine. It was striking. I’m not sure what the thing with Bilbo was all about, but it is good to know the future.”

Sean Hickey started the scoring off in the 1st period, blasting a laser-beam past the overwhelmed goalie.

“Everyone thought it was Tragakis who scored,” admitted Hickey. “But it was me. It’s always me. But I probably wouldn’t have scored that one without Tragakis looming large in front of the net, and striking fear into the heart of the goalie!”

Sniper made it 2-0 with another goal in the 2nd period, a lead that would be more than enough for the Penguins to win.

“Everyone thought it was Sherwood who scored,” admitted Sniper. “But it was me. It’s always me. But I probably wouldn’t have scored that one without Sherwood looming large in front of the net, and striking fear into the heart of the goalie!”

The Old Dogs put up one hell of a fight, and managed to get one back in the 3rd period, but it wasn’t enough. When the Old Dogs pulled their goalie, Sniper once again scored on an empty net to send the Old Dogs back to the pound, and the Penguins onto the next round of the playoffs.

Penguins Win! Penguins Win!

2011-03-08T07:51:00.000-08:00

Foxboro, MA – A lonely man stood in silence in his prison cell. The Spartan walls of his cell were bare except for a lone, hand-stenciled image of a Provo Penguins Hockey moniker on the faded concrete wall. A tear slowly streamed down his cheek, a tear of joy. Coach Douchey had just watched his team, the Provo Penguins, defeat the Iceholes on the MCI Norfolk closed-circuit television. Despite being incarcerated, it was the happiest day of his life.

“They did it,” recognized a tired, but elated Coach Douchey from behind the bars. “Physically I was not there with them, but mentally I was on that bench. As they say in my homeland, ‘C’est magnifique!’. It was beautiful! When I get out of here, I will donate all of my organs to science. All of them! It is the least I can do, for the joy they have brought me makes my heart sore like an eagle!”

The Penguins came out strong from the puck-drop, and there was no turning back. Although the depleted Iceholes team put up a valiant effort, they were experiencing on-ice Armageddon, and there was no stopping it. The pain train came, and rolled through the final buzzer, giving the Penguins an 8-2 win, and a playoff berth.

After the game, Mark Shiavone, Penguins’ goalie, climbed onto the roof of the Foxboro stadium, and was seen wielding a machete and yelling down to the throngs of fans leaving the arena.

“I am free,” Shiavone shouted, while chugging a drink he referred to as ‘Penguin-blood’. “My first season as a goalie, and I am free! Bring on the hotties! How does that taste Sheen!”

Unfortunately, Shiavone did fall off the roof, and received minor injuries when a fan tossed-up a puck for him to autograph.

“I threw it right to him,” admitted the concerned fan. “But it somehow went right through his five-hole…I’m not even sure how that could happen. He was still wearing all his goalie equipment, and I lobbed it up there fat and lazy-like. Somehow it just went right between his legs, and he fell off the roof! If he wasn’t drinking the Penguin-blood, I think he would be dead right now!”

The Penguins scored early and often in the lopsided victory, with big John Wilmot getting his first point in Foxboro and two goals on the night for a season high two-point night. Wilmot sent the stadium into frenzy each time he did the ‘Elaine Dance’ after each of his goals. Wilmot, who is not afraid to setup shop in front of the net, and make a home out in the dirty-places, rammed a dagger through the Icehole player’s hearts with his goal scoring prowess.

“We call him ‘El Baile Hurón‘,” commented Jorge Rodriguez, head of the Penguins Mexican Fan Club. “It means ‘The Dancing Ferret’ in English. We originally were collecting money, in order to donate to find a cure for his strange spasms on the ice, but now we just embrace him for all of his quirks. El Baile Hurón is a fan favorite, and he is welcome to Tijuana any time. He can even bring his own donkey!”

Another notable last night, was Jefe Del Huevo, Penguins Captain, who picked up his 7th point of the season with a short-handed goal in the 3rd period.

“I feel bad for all the other losers on our team that did not score,” commented Jefe during his post-game press conference. “I’m the 2nd highest scorer on the defense, and I out-scored Curchin who plays offense. I probably should be motivating these guys, but what a bunch of losers!”

The Firm also came-up big with a hat-trick from Sniper, a goal from Pat Hickey and two assists from Sean Hickey. The Firm brought their A-game, and lived-up to their Hickey, Hickey & Andrews motto of ‘If you come to play hockey, we’ll make you pay’.

As the fans continued to party in the streets of Foxboro, a more somber Steve Tragakis, Penguins Forward wasn’t as jubilant as his teammates or fans.

“I told the guys that this was the biggest game of our lives,” Tragakis stated, slumped in front of his locker. “But I lied. It wasn’t. In fact it wasn’t big at all. Next week we start the playoffs, and the next game is definitely the biggest game of our lives! This time I’m totally serious! When I say big, I mean really, really big!”

Penguins Bus Missing, Team in Disbelief

2011-03-05T07:52:00.000-08:00

Walpole, MA – With the looming Home for Our Troops Hockey Tournament only weeks away, new allegations have arisen citing that the Penguins tour bus, which has been in for repairs, is missing. The tour bus had been in the shop for the past two years, undergoing both mechanical and cosmetic repairs, in order to be used by the Penguins players for both home and away games. With the team gearing up for the tournament, the news of the missing bus has the entire organization concerned.

“I can’t think of worse news right now,” admitted John Turco, spokesman for the Penguins. “We are playing some great hockey right now, and we don’t need any distractions. We were really counting on the bus for the upcoming tournament as well. Of course we could just drive the five or so miles to the rink, but that defeats our ability to game-plan, as well as to watch movies and play Xbox. This is really tough news.”

Along with the mechanical repairs, the Penguins bus was being completely revamped with customized leather seats with Penguins logos, as well as custom paint on the outside that would include pictures of each of the players faces. The final design was kept a secret from both player and fan, although it was believed that the bus would also come fully equipped with a puck dispenser in the bathroom.

In the upcoming pre-tournament ceremony planned for next week, the Mayor of Walpole was to hand the team a key to the city, at which point the new team bus was to be unveiled. The news of the missing bus has put a damper on this much anticipated event. Although it was believed that the bus was in the final preparation phase for the unveiling, an anonymous source has come forward with the terrible news.

According to the source, the bus has been missing for the past six months, and no one, including the shop owner, knows the whereabouts.

“I had to do the right thing,” commented the anonymous source. “I’m a huge Penguins fan, and I couldn’t keep it a secret any longer. The team bus has been missing for months now, and my boss wasn’t going to say anything. We haven’t been doing anything but hiding in the garage, and drinking beer. I would love to tell everyone who I am, but I’m the only other employee at the garage. If I gave my name it would be obvious it was me telling everyone about this issue. By staying anonymous I can keep my job, and still do the right thing.”

A full investigation is underway, however, very little evidence has been found at the garage. The shop owner, Doug Lewowsky, has been brought in for questioning, but no further information was released to the media.

“It makes me sick to my stomach,” stated Ben Collins, Penguins General Manager. “How will we get to our games or practices? I’m tired of people just saying ‘do what you have always done, and drive there in your cars’. That is a cop-out! The bus was going to be really cool. I’m not sure if the team can go far in the tournament without the bus.”

Penguins Lose, Coach Arrested

2011-03-01T07:16:00.000-08:00

Foxboro, MA – Coming off of an emotional victory last week against Analog, the Penguins were due for a letdown. Last night’s loss to the Herd was coined a ‘trap-game’ by both media and fans alike, and unfortunately the Penguins did not disappoint. The Penguins allowed the Herd to score in the first 40-seconds of play, and went on to lose by a score of 4-3. Although the Penguins kept the game close, in the end, they just came out flat.

“It was a tough game for us,” admitted Chris Eighmy, Penguins’ captain. “I don’t want to use foul language here, but we played like poop. I mean it. We played like a giant pile of doo-doo. I’m tailoring my language because we have some pretty young guys on the team right now, and I don’t want to scare them.”

The loss went from disappointing to bizarre, when Penguins’ coach Jacques Douchey was arrested in Walpole center, after the game.

“We received a call at 11:45 PM, from a concerned resident,” stated Walpole Chief of Police, Brad Mookie. “When we arrived at the scene, we found Mr. Douchey seemingly disoriented, very drunk and…naked. He was rifling pucks at oncoming cars, and singing what appeared to be a blend of the Penguins Fight Song, and The Sun Will Come out Tomorrow. It was quite nice actually; I mean the song…not the naked puck throwing thing.”

Allegedly, Douchey had made the trek down from Toronto to surprise the team, only to catch the Penguins’ collapse on the ice. According to sources, the loss sent him into a deep, dark depression which apparently led to the naked, puck throwing incident.

“We can neither confirm nor deny the allegations at this time,” stated Cory Krumpler Penguins’ attorney. “We are not admitting any wrong-doing by Coach Douchey. What we can say is that this would not be the first time that Coach Douchey has done this type of thing. With a loss comes a sadness, and we all deal with these things in our own way. Some people cry. Some people meditate. Coach Douchey may or may not choose to be drunk and to rifle pucks at oncoming cars. I’m not sure about the song he was singing, but more than likely the single will go on sale today at the Penguins Hockey Store!”

The Penguins battled throughout the game, tying the game at 2-2 with goals from Pat and Sean Hickey in the 1st period. The final goal for the team came in the 3rd period from Andrews, giving each of the Firm a goal on the night.

“He completes us,” admitted Sean Hickey, when describing his elation over Andrews’ goal. “He may have had us at ‘hello’, but he completed us with that last goal. My brother and I were discussing on the bench, going onto the ice as just a duo, without Andrews, but in the end he came through. The Firm of Hickey, Hickey & Andrews will stay intact forever…or at least until our other brother starts playing!”

Letting in four goals on the night, the attorney for Penguins’ goalie Mark Shiavone has ceased all contract extension discussions. After last week’s shutout, the Shiavone camp was holding out for a contract extension and more money. However, after last night’s loss, those discussions are now off the table.

“In this business, you have to strike while the going is good,” commented Shiavone’s attorney, Terry Mosley. “When my client had the one shut-out, we were riding on top the world. Today, we are hopeful the Penguins front-office will even talk to us. If the offer from the Penguins to trade my client to a team-to-be-named-later for a 6-pack of Pabst Blue-Ribbon is still on the table, we are all in! Damn you Shiavone!!!”

Penguins Win! Controversy Ensues!

2011-02-22T06:46:00.000-08:00

Walpole, MA - Amid the joy and elation of a 5-0 win over division rivals, Analog, the Penguins win was once again fraught with controversy. The win marks the first shut-out ever for big Mark Shiavone, who stepped into the net for the first time in his young adult life just twelve games ago. But instead of celebrating with his teammates, Shiavone is allegedly refusing to play for the remainder of the season, until he gets a contract extension.

Shiavone’s current contract runs through the end of this year, and according to our sources, he is going to use this shut-out to push for a contract extension. Having taken the goalie vow of silence, Shiavone refused to talk to reporters after the game, leaving the talking for his agent.

“Desperate times call for desperate measure,” ranted his agent, Terry Mosley. “Shiavone won’t play, until the Penguins pay. The Penguins front-office has continuously brought up his GA, which they are claiming is astronomical. My client’s record speaks for itself. There is no need to go any further back than this last game, which as we all know was a shut-out. We don’t believe the other games truly indicated the performance of my client.”

Although the news of Shiavone’s hold-out put a damper on the celebration, there was still much joy over the laser show put on by the Firm, consisting of Hickey, Hickey and Andrews. The trio lit the lamp 5 times in the game and left no doubt they were a force to be reckoned with.

“A forced to be reckoned with?” questioned Tragakis, after the game. “How about sharing the puck? Those bastards just don’t share with the rest of us, and it’s not fair. It would be cool if they would divvy up their goals at the end of the season and spread them out among the rest of us. At least that way we can all share in the scoring!”

Penguins Finally Fly

2011-02-17T05:08:00.000-08:00

Walpole, MA – Before last Monday night’s anticipated match-up between the fan-favorite Provo Penguins and the much detested Old Dogs, a pensive Penguins team sat in silence in locker room number 14. Having lost their last two games on the schedule and their last two games to the Old Dogs, the Penguin’s players knew the severity of what was at stake. All their hopes, dreams and aspirations were hanging on the very outcome of the night’s game. If they won, it would be the greatest game and the greatest win of their lives. If they lost, it would really, really suck.

When the Penguins took the ice, the demeanor of the entire stadium morphed instantly into absolute hysteria. The raucous pounding of drums, along with the shrill cry of the Penguins Fight song blared over the loud speakers, sending even the most sedate hockey fan in attendance into a mad frenzy. The game hadn’t even started, and it seemed as though the entire building would be brought down to rubble from the mass of screaming, fist-pumping, fist-pounding people in the arena.

“These fans are crazy,” shouted an ecstatic Jefe Del Huevo after the game. “I love this game and I give it all I’ve got, but when I hear those fans, well, it is like a shot in the arm! I dedicate both of my assists tonight to the topless fans in the front-row known as the Penguins with Pasties. I love those gals!”

Bilbo ‘The Rapper’ Raposo got the scoring started for the Penguins in the first period, off of a sharp pass from Youngblood across the crease. Bilbo blasted the shot past the goalie, leaving him reeling and feeling in need of a good spooning.

“That is how the Rapper rolls,” Bilbo chimed during the post-game press conference. “What the Old Dogs don’t know, is that I’m probably older than anyone on their team. The only difference is I’m Canadian, so for us it is like in dog-years or something. I think in Canadian I am 103 years old. I’m not sure. Most Canadians can’t count. But we can play hockey you mutha-[expletive]’s!!”

But with only one goal in the period, the Penguins appeared to be heading back to their old ways; playing powerful, and very sexy hockey, but with nothing to show for it on the scoreboard.

“Goals are overrated,” admitted Wilmot, who had an assist on the night. “I prefer to play ‘posts’ during our games. It shows my skill, and it keeps the goalie on his toes. I mean, who else shoots for the posts during a real hockey game? No one, so there you have it. I should mention I can’t hit the post, but that’s just semantics at this point.”

Posting a huge doughnut in the 2nd period, the Penguins were able to right-the-ship and open the floodgates in the 3rd period, dropping the hammer on the Old Dogs. Youngblood and the Hickey sisters put on a barrage that sent the Old Dogs' goalie, Longa, into a puck-stopping tailspin. The new trio, which replaces the old trio with Sniper, put four biscuits in the basket, and provided the Penguins with their first win in three games.

“It was Armageddon out there,” cried an anonymous Old Dogs player. “I can’t feel my legs. That guy Dimock ran straight into me, and I think I lost my spleen. I’m serious, I can’t feel my legs! I want to go home!”

The Old Dogs player was referring to what was called ‘incidental contact’ on the ice, which occurred when Dimock ‘The Pinch King’, ran straight into the poor bastard, driving him headlong into the ice in the 3rd period.

“I wasn’t really looking,” stated Stan Pucket, one of the referees for the night. “To be honest, I wasn’t watching what was happening on the ice at all. I was actually checking my blackberry at the time. How the little fella’ from the Old Dogs ended up with his head planted in the ice is beyond me. I should pay more attention, but it was probably fair…whatever happened.”

The victory keeps the Penguins on top of the leader board, and keeps them in contention for a playoff run…even though everyone makes the playoffs.

“Playoffs?” questioned an angry Jacques Douchey, virtual coach for the Penguins. “We can’t worry about the playoffs right now. We are just taking it one game at a time. We will give it 100% and hopefully that will be enough. We can’t look too far ahead. Next week is Analog, and they are the only thing we are worried about right now. But I wish I had known everyone makes the playoffs, man, that would have taken some of the pressure off!”

Fans Await Word On Lutfy

2011-02-08T06:27:00.001-08:00

Norfolk, MA – When a key member of the Penguins’ Old Man Line did not check-in before the game last night, the Penguins’ front-office knew it had to be serious. All day the players awaited word from their OML center John Lutfy, however, it never came. Emotions ran from mild concern, to utter hysteria, when it was clear that Lutfy wouldn’t be checking-in with the team.

“We knew it had to be serious,” admitted Jefe Del Huevo, team captain. “There are just too many ways for a person to get in touch with the team, for anyone not to respond at all. There’s email, phone and texting. When we didn’t hear from him, we knew it must be serious, and we feared for Lutfy’s life.”

With concern running rampant, both Tragakis and Eighmy raced-over to Lutfy’s house after the game, where they were shocked to find an all-night candlelight vigil underway. Thousands of somber fans stood in silence throughout the night, awaiting word from Lutfy or his family as to his condition.

“An hour before the game, we knew something was very wrong,” stated Tragakis, who stood in the snow among the throngs of fans, who had gathered on Lutfy’s front-lawn. “Someone would have to be very, very sick to be so weak that they couldn’t even text the team of their status. We immediately feared the worst, and can only hope that his family is holding-up during his time of need. We have already set a schedule so everyone can bring the family food, during what must be a very, very trying time.”

During the vigil, there was one glimmer of hope, when a tired and emaciated Lutfy, who was wearing a Penguins bathrobe, was lifted to the window in his Lazy-boy recliner, so he could see his fans. When he appeared in the window, the fans began to chant, and the sound of a lone bag-pipe and the Penguins Fight Song could be heard from across the field adjacent to the house. Unfortunately, Lutfy was too weak to raise his arms, and could only mouth the words ‘Thank you’ or ‘F-you’ to his fans, no one is quite sure which. The inability to raise his arms was all the confirmation the players and fans needed, to understand why he was unable to reach-out to the team.

“I will not leave until he is better,” said Linda Malloy, a fan of the Provo Penguins, who was setting-up a tent in the front lawn. “My sister, who was in a coma for five years, was able to text me from her hospital bed when she came out of it. It must be really bad, or John surely would have reached out to his team, in order to let them know if he was in or out for the game. Our hearts and prayers are with the Lutfys right now.”

For now, the vigil will continue until some sense can be made of this terrible situation. 800# hot-lines have been established for those grieving fans, unable to cope with his absence. One fan’s sign, which was nailed to an oak tree by Lutfy’s driveway, said it all: “Get better Lutfy, you sick bastard!”

Leafs Win Fraught With Scandal

2011-01-31T11:00:00.000-08:00

Walpole, MA – There was a time when a man’s word was his bond. Today, that bond has been broken. Although the Leafs beat the Penguins by a score of 3-2, the win comes at a cost to hockey and humanity as a whole. Those in attendance were left wondering if anything left in the world was sacred.

“It is an abomination,” commented Brad Malloy, spokesman for the Provo Penguins. “How the Leafs won is probably the saddest display I’ve ever seen in hockey, or any sport for that matter. We’d complain to the league, but for obvious reasons, that would do us no good.”

What Malloy and the entire hockey world witnessed, was a Leafs team that took advantage of their connection with the league, in order to create an unfair advantage that ultimately led to the Penguins loss.

“It goes without saying that we were shafted,” stated Eighmy after the game. “The game was delayed [expletive] twenty-minutes, for [expletive] sake! It is obvious to me this was intentional, and it obviously had repercussions to the outcome of the game. How can our guys be expected maintain their schedules, effectively do their pre-game rituals, and get home to their families when they said they would, when we have a delay of this magnitude? I’ll tell you how, they can’t! That's what ultimately led to the loss.”

The Penguins managed to tie the Leafs in the 2nd period, off the second goal from Sniper. However, with less than a minute to play, the Leafs played with the emotionally distraught minds of the Penguins, who were still reeling from the 20-minute delay, and took the lead with a shot from the point to win the game.

“It is what it is,” commented Bud Rowlins, VP Operations for the NESHL. “According to our website the game happened at 9:30 pm, as planned. We will not look into this, and never will. The book is closed as far as we are concerned. The Penguins lost and they suck. We are all big Maple Leafs fans here in the front-office. I shouldn’t say that, but I there..I just did! We love the Leafs! They are our favorite team and we will do anything to help them win…not that we did, but we would!”

Even though Bilbo had seven failed scoring chances in front of the net, and the Hickey brothers were not in attendance, the Penguins are not making excuses.

“It has nothing to do with our team missing players,” said Lutfy, during his post-game press-conference. “We are not making any excuses. It is obvious it was the 20-minute delay, anyway. So there is no sense in making any excuses.”

Next week, the Penguins will take on The Herd. Whether they have connections to the league, and can get the game delayed is yet to be seen. But all eyes will be at Iorio for puck drop, next Monday night, to find out.

Penguins Enjoy Happy Hour

2011-01-25T07:10:00.001-08:00

Walpole, MA – Laissez les bons temps rouler! Let the good times roll! The Provo Penguins did just that last night, with an impressive 11-6 win over Happy Hour at the Iorio Arena. The Penguins gave a complete team effort, with nine Penguin’s players racking-up points in what is being called, ‘The Biggest Game of Their Lives’!

“It felt good,” admitted Wilmot, after the game. “It felt good to pickup two goals, and to show the team a skill that I have, that has not led to a restraining order. So that is nice!”

The point-festival began in the first period with a goal by S. Hickey, who ended up with three goals and two assists on the night. Once the scoring started, the flood-gates opened, and the Penguins went on a scoring rampage, with goals coming form; Bilbo (1), Lutfy (1), Sherwood (1), Tragakis (2), P. Hickey (1), Wilmot (2), S. Hickey (3). The team also pitched in with the assists; Roode II (1), Lutfy (1), Sherwood (1), Tragakis (1), Curchin (2), S. Hickey (2).

Some of the highlights included Tragakis chest-bumping the puck into the net, leading to a bitter Bilbo reminding him that he was ‘lucky to be in the right place at the right time’.

“That kind of talk is absolute [expletive]!” argued an angry Tragakis. “What the [expletive] does Bilbo think I’m working on every Friday during public hockey?! The [expletive] chest-bump, damn it! This is just [expletive] ridiculous! I’m out of here!”

Aside from some massively chippy, verging on Jets-like end of AFC championship game play by Happy Hour, the Penguins kept their win-streak alive.

“It was a complete team effort,” stated Pete Nipper, Penguins new GM. “Those boys went out there to prove they were a force to be reckoned with. Aside from no one bringing beer, I think they did that.”

Amidst the celebration, there was some concern over the play, or lack thereof from Youngblood, who at one point completely whiffed on the puck, and let a Happy Hour player stride in for an easy break-away goal. This marks the first time in Penguin history, that Youngblood did not get a point on the night, and that he was completely out-gunned by an opposing player.

“It was my stick,” Youngblood stated, during the press-conference. “Or my skates…I mean my pads were in the way…oh hell, it is obvious I missed my Jefe! Damn you all! It has never been about me, it is Jefe Del Huevo! My captain! My partner! My everything!”

The Penguins remain on top of the Lemelin Division, but have their work cut out for them next week, when they take on the Maple Leafs. If they want to continue winning, they will need another complete team effort, and someone to bring some beer. Like a 12-pack of Miller Lite, or Bud Lite or any other kind of beer.

Penguins Win on Historic Night

2011-01-18T06:38:00.001-08:00

Foxboro, MA – On a night that Zdeno Charra had his historic first hat-trick of his career, the young Ryan Curchin also made history, by scoring his first goal…for the other team! With the Iceholes pushing hard to even the match, Curchin flipped the puck into the air, much like he does a burger on the McDonald’s grill, directly at the Penguins goalie. This came as a shock to everyone, including Mark Schiavone who was in net for the Penguins.

“The bad news is that I have never had a teammate shoot the puck on me during a game,” admitted Mark after the game. “The good news is, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO!".

With Eighmy out of the lineup for undisclosed reasons, the Provo Penguins rallied in the locker-room before the game.

“Jefe is like the big-toe of the team,” stated Sherwood. “I led the team in a prayer before the game, which I like to call ‘Ode to Jefe’. This seemed to motivate the team. I then proceeded to light candles and incense in order to bring the great spirit of the Huevo into the hearts and minds of each player. It was very moving.”

Although Jefe was out, an injured Johnny G. Wilmot threw caution to the wind, and skated for the first time in weeks, going against his doctor’s orders.

“I was born to do this thing,” he told reporters in the locker room. “Baby blister or no baby blister, this cat is back! And I feel marvelous!”

Hickey led all scoring, by pounding in four goals on the night, which is known in the hockey world as a Chub-Fest. Sniper refused to be out shown, getting 4-points on the night as well with one goal and three assists.

“I like sharing,” Sniper commented. “I share the puck with anyone and everyone. Unlike some people on my line, who only get goals, I get assists. I’m a giver, that is what I am!”

Also in the mele was the ever-young Sherwood who got an assist, and 2-PIM, showing once again that if you skate with the Firm, you will get points.

“Why can’t I get ice-time with those guys,” Tragakis cried to anyone that would listen. “It is obvious my skill and ability are holding me back! Give me one shift with Hickey and Sniper, and I will once again rule the stat sheet! Or at least maybe fall in front of the net and knock the puck in!”

The 6-4 win keeps the Penguins in stride with the first place Scorpions, and may even push them to the top of the division, depending on how the Scorpions did in their match-up earlier in the night.

Penguins Prepare for Home For Our Troops Tournament

2011-01-14T11:25:00.001-08:00

Walpole, MA – The Home for Our Troops (H.O.T.) hockey tournament is a charitable event of the highest kind, but don’t tell the Provo Penguins that. The Penguins began a series of three-a-day sessions, gearing up for the event planned for April 15-17 in Natick. The team entered into some of the toughest training of the year, which began immediately following the announcement of the team’s entry into the tournament. Charity or no charity, no one in the Penguins front-office is taking this event lightly.

“What is charity?” questioned Aleksey Demidov, Penguins Assistant General Manager. “We win or Aleksey put everyone on bus to Russia! Dis’ is Armageddon!”

Although Demidov was immediately fired after these comments, the team is determined to have a solid showing come April, and has even taken drastic measures such as limiting themselves to a 6-pack each of Miller Lite, and a half-dozen doughnuts during their three-a-day practice sessions. The Penguins practices are being held behind closed-doors, under some of the toughest security measures available in the senior hockey circuit. Because of the tight security, everyone is left wondering what they could possibly be doing for the past 36-hours.

“This is some of the toughest training any of us has ever had to endure,” admitted Tragakis, during one of his beer breaks. “But this is an amazing cause. Supporting the brave men and women who have sacrificed so much for our country is the least we can do. If we can hoist the H.O.T. Cup at the end of it, well, that is just icing on the cake.”

If the Penguins want to win it all, they will have their work cut-out for them. Not only are the best teams in America going to be at this tournament, but there are rumors swirling around the Natick Ice Rink, that a celebrity hockey team may be joining the fracas, with celebrities as big as L.B potentially being in the mix.

“Lance Bass from ‘N Sync is going to be there?” screamed an ecstatic Curchin, during his post-practice press-conference. “He’s my fave!!!! I knew he could dance, but who knew he could skate? OMG! What will I wear??

It has also been rumored that the Penguins have taken drastic measures to motivate the team throughout the grueling three months of training. Allegedly, the team has hired the 4-year-old kid who does the imitation of Herb Brooks’ Miracle speech, the one given to the team before the game with the Russians during the 1980 Olympics. The little-fella will allegedly recite the speech continuously for the entire three months, over the P.A. system.

“The kid is good,” stated a weary veteran defenseman, Sean Kenney. “I mean he’s really good. But they are going to have to up our limit to 12-beers a day during practice if this little [expletive] is going to keep this [expletive] going. I’m going to lose my [expletive] mind! Sure it was a great speech, but enough is enough!”

Hockey fans across the globe can do nothing more than contribute to the cause, and wait until the tournament kicks-off in April. The biggest event of the century is only a few months away!

http://www.homesforourtroops.org/site/PageServer

Penguins Survive More Than The Hockey Game

2011-01-04T07:10:00.000-08:00

Raynham, MA – The hockey game started out in harrowing form last night, as both fans and players arrived at the Raynham Arena to the flashing lights of police cars and fire trucks. Stuck outside in the cold, all those in attendance were left wondering as to the reason of the emergency, but communication was not immediately available.

“I was assuming someone got hurt,” admitted Joe Kroeger, longtime Penguins fan, who witnessed the whole thing. “All we could do was wait-out in the freezing cold, and wait to see if the building would reopen. I’m a Provo Penguins season ticket holder, and I did not want to miss the game, but obviously something big was going on.”

The reason was later explained to reporters, when the throngs of bewildered fans and players were allowed back into the building.

“It was a matter of public safety,” stated Louis Jones, Lieutenant for the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), who addressed the media after the re-opening of the building. “Everyone knows that the Raynham Ice Rink is one of the dirtiest, most disgusting buildings on the planet. We were called in to determine if this ice-rink is the epicenter for all human disease. We knew the answer before going in, but aside from a few of our guys going down with cholera, black-plague, and other currently unnamed diseases, it didn’t hurt to back our suspicions with data.”

What that data showed, will be revealed to N.A.T.O next week. In the meantime, initial results indicate that that all disease and life threatening ailments do indeed originate from the unsanitary facility.

“We also used carbon-dating while in the building,” continued Jones. “Usually this is a science that is applied to bones, and other objects to determine how old they are. In this case, it was applied in order to determine the last known date that the locker rooms and the feces ridden bathroom were cleaned. According to our initial reports, the building has never been cleaned. At least not since the building was built in 1973. It is a veritable hell-hole in their!”

While the world awaits the results of the study, the Provo Penguins upset Analog on the ice, with a 3-2 victory last night in the Petri-dish known as Raynham. It was a battle from start to finish, with both teams playing some of the best NESHL hockey of the year.

Analog took an early lead in the first period, when Scott Cusack jammed the puck into the open side of the net, assisted from his brother Mark and veteran forward Coreia. It looked like the Penguins losing-ways would continue, until Dimock, moving in slow-motion all night long, ripped a shot from the left face-off circle in Analog’s defensive zone. Dimock’s goal tied the game and gave the Penguins the boost they needed.

“I like to show-up from time to time, and just play my brand of hockey,” big Matty stated after the game. “No one is quite sure what my brand of hockey is, but hell, I scored!”

Later in the first, Analog’s Mark Cusack scored on Penguin’s goalie Mark Schiavone, once again putting all the pressure back on the Penguins. But pressure is what this team thrives on, and none-other than their very own Youngblood stepped up in dramatic fashion, scoring the next two Penguin’s goals, giving the Penguins their first win in three weeks.

“There’s my statement mother-[expletive],” stated a rather sedate Youngblood after the game. “I told you I was going to make a statement, and that was it. Originally I was going to make the statement a few weeks ago, but there it is. Youngblood cannot rush his statements. I have to admit though, that I owe it all to my partner Chris Eighmy. Without his assist on that second shot, I wouldn't have had two goals. I'm kidding of course. I would have had two goals, no matter what, but it was a nice assist anyway.”

The Penguins ended the night without a penalty, and played the cleanest, most non-Penguin like hockey game of their careers. Next up for this band of warriors, are the mighty Scorpions, who they take-on next Sunday night at 9:20 pm.

“I’m just glad the game is not in Raynham,” admitted one player who had been quarantined by the CDC, and was being held in a Hyerbaric Chamber. “I used the bathroom before the game and although I didn’t think I touched anything, my junk fell-off. To say I am scared is an understatement. If I could, I’d piss myself right now! Damn you Raynham!”

Penguins Battle On

2010-12-30T07:05:00.000-08:00

Walpole, MA - What started off as one of the biggest hockey games of the week, turned into something even bigger as the game played out last night at the Iorio Arena in Walpole. The Provo Penguins went toe-to-toe with the Old Dogs, who sported their ‘A’ level goalie once again, proving that all you need to succeed in this league is a goalie who wants to play well below his level, in order to be a hero in the locker room.

The tug-of-war like battle played out over the course of all three periods. The Penguins jumped on the board with a goal from Sniper, who was assisted by Roode Dos in the first period. Youngblood turned it into a crooked number on the scoreboard with a goal in the 2nd period, while Sniper scored again, fluffing his stats with his second goal of the night.

“It reminded me of Vietnam,” said Wilmot from the stands. Wilmot has been on the PUP list for the past few weeks, due to what is being reported as a severe case of athlete’s foot. “I just knew someone was going to get hurt, especially with the way Tragakis was skating! Damn, that guy sucks!”

What happened next will go down in the record books as one of the most…

Due to a contractual agreement, we are unable to post the rest of this blog, and will now focus on next week’s match-up between the Provo Penguins and Analog…

Next week the Penguins will take on a tough Analog team at the Raynham Ice Rink. Puck-drop is scheduled for 9:50pm, and nearly all tickets have been sold at this point. This game could mark the first game in a Penguins win-streak.

“I’m looking forward to this game,” admitted Sean Kenney, Penguins veteran defenseman. “It is maybe a mile from my house, and it is really close to my favorite pub. So you know I am either playing in this game, or meeting the boys at the pub after! Either way, this it will be a big night!”

Remember The Alamo!

2010-12-21T08:29:00.000-08:00

Walpole, MA – Knowing that their garrison could not withstand an attack by the large Mexican Army, the commanders at the Alamo in 1836, wrote multiple letters pleading for more men and supplies in order to fend off the assault. When those men did not arrive, the Texans were unable to fend off the third attack and the Alamo was lost.

History repeated itself last night. The Provo Liquor Penguins entered the ice with only seven players, even though there were twelve confirmed players prior to the game. The Penguins Seven entered the arena against a stacked Herd team, but could only fend off the attack for the 1st period, before being overcome by the sheer numbers, and losing the game 3-1.

“What we cannot understand,” admitted Dr. Samuel Whitley, Professor of Thermo-dynamics, MIT. “Is how the chilly, wintery mix could affect one team more than another? This one has us stymied. Somehow the ½” of snow didn’t have an impact on The Herd, as they showed up with players to spare. Yet somehow five Penguins players were adversely affected, with three of those players not showing-up at all. Could the dusting of snow affect one player more than another?! This one will take some time.”

With the two Hickeys showing up at the start of the 2nd period, and names like Kenney, Youngblood and Bilbo not showing at all, the Penguins Seven did all they could to keep the Herd at bay. But the odds were too much. While The Herd scored a goal in each period, the Penguins were only able to capitalize on one scoring chance with a goal from Sniper who was assisted by Pat Hickey.

“Just because I said I was going, doesn’t mean I was really going to go,” commented Youngblood from the comforts of his home. “What I say and what I do are completely unrelated. Besides, I told you I was going to make a statement. That was my statement!"

The game between these two teams, as always, turned violent quickly, with both teams racking-up the penalties. The Penguins walked away with five penalties on the night, while the Herd walked away with four. Meanwhile, Mark S, the Penguins Mime goalie, stood on his head throughout the game, praying that reinforcements would show.

“I kept looking out through the Plexiglas, trying to see if more players were going to show,” Mark managed to mime, after the game. “Which is why I completely missed those three goals. But this is a new team to me, and I just couldn’t believe the other guys weren't going to show.”

Mark later mimed that he was stuck in a box, to the joy and amazement of the entire team. On another note, both referees seemed oblivious to the egregious Herd play, as it was later reported that they each had family members playing for the Herd.

“Say what you will,” stated the referee who looks a lot like the magician in Frosty the Snowman. “If you have a loved-one on a team, you tend to call the game differently. I’m not saying that we weren’t fair; I’m just saying that we tend to shy away from calling penalties on family members. That isn’t unfair, is it?”

The Penguins Seven must now look at the season differently, as there may be some light-rain in the forecast next week.

“It is a lot to ask of guys to head to the rink when there is inclement weather,” stated Jefe Del Huevo. “I would never ask a player to drive when their tires might get wet, or worse, get a little snow on them. What is weird is that Mearn who is recovering from shoulder surgery, and Wilmot who has a cast on his foot, both managed to get to the rink on time. I wonder if they are impervious to light, misting snow?! Ah well.”

Happy Hour Not So Happy

2010-12-16T05:41:00.000-08:00

Foxboro, MA – Having lost their last two games, the Provo Liquor Penguins wanted to make a statement in their tilt against Happy Hour on Monday night. That statement, that they were a team to contend with, was made loud-and-clear as they walked away with an 11-4 win over their division rivals.

“I may not be on the ice, with the boys,” stated Johnny Wilmot, from his hospital bed. Wilmot who is recovering from season ending surgery, hopes to skate again for the 2015 season. “But I’m there in spirit. I’m glad to see they pulled this one out. If they lost another game, I would have had to start bringing the water-bottles again to help motivate them. Thank goodness it didn’t come down to that.”

The scoring started in the first period with three blasts from Sean Hickey, Tragakis and Sniper. Tragakis, whose name is never mentioned in the same sentence as the Firm, was elated.

“I’m just happy to be here right now,” admitted Tragakis during the post-game press-conference. “There was a time when I didn’t know if I would ever be able to skate. But look at me now! Forwards, and I’m even thinking of skating backwards. This is exciting!”

No one is quite sure of the number of goals by Happy Hour, because the scorekeeper never filled in a stat sheet. So for the sake of this article, let’s assume they got a goal or two in the first as well. But the Penguins would not be held back from another period of scoring. Sean Hickey, Sniper and Youngblood came through this time with three more goals, to give the Penguins a 6-to-something lead.

“I have this one move, where I pass the puck under the defenseman’s stick as I cross over the blue-line,” Sniper commented. “It never works, but I keep trying it anyway. Just because it never works, doesn’t mean it will…ummm…never work. Ah well! I score all the time anyway, so I might as well keep trying that move!”

With a huge cushion of a lead, the Penguins applied even more pressure in the 3rd period, with (yes you guessed it), more goals from Hickey, Sniper and Youngblood. This time the scoring trio tipped the stat sheet with five more goals. It was a real team effort, with assists on the night being provided from Sean Hickey, Pat Hickey, Youngblood, Roode II, Curchin, Lutfy and Sherwood.

This win keeps the Penguins in playoff contention, and gives them the spark they needed to right-the-ship.

“I was angry after our second loss,” admitted Jefe Del Huevo. “I said some things I’m not very proud of, including the fact I wanted to play for a different team. Maybe as a captain that was not my best motivational speech, and for that I apologize. Off the record, however, if we start losing again, I’d like some of the other teams to keep me in mind if they need a player. I’m not saying I’ll leave the team, but just call me, and let’s talk!”

Penguins Team Leadership In Turmoil

2010-12-03T08:51:00.000-08:00

Walpole, MA – The Provo Liquor Penguins may be looking for a new team captain, in the not too distant future. Amid a clash in the team locker room after last week’s loss, followed by massive fighting with the front-office, Chris Eighmy has demanded a trade. According to sources close to the situation, Eighmy was furious at the lack of effort from his team in their loss to the Iceholes. This subsequently fueled a series of heated discussions with the front-office.

One rumor has claimed that Eighmy had asked to be traded, while another rumor had indicated that Eighmy requested that nearly the entire team except for his self be traded. No one is quite sure of the exact scenario which caused tempers to fly; however all seem to agree that things escalated quickly. Punches were thrown, blood was spilled, and at least one person may have been killed in a series of closed-door discussion this past week.

“My client is like Lebron James, without the other two dudes down in Miami,” commented Bud Love, Eighmy’s agent. “But unlike King James, Jefe Del Huevo knows he cannot do it alone. We are not saying that this situation cannot be fixed, we are merely saying that Jefe is young, and there are other teams in this league. Being surrounded by feces all day is not fun, it sucks. Believe me I know, because I used to have a job sucking-out the poop in port-a-potties. Anyway, my client is surrounded with feces on the ice, every game. Simply put, trade everyone except Jefe and The Firm, or trade Jefe and The Firm. That is all we are asking.”

Eighmy was not available for comment, but player reaction was one of utter fear, panic and an overwhelming desire to know which team they would be traded too.

“Look, I like to win like the next guy,” said one player. “But my contract specifically states that I am to play at ‘40-50% of my ability’. Seriously, that’s what it says. To be honest, I think I am giving nearly 60% every game, so I’m actually breaking my contract. I'm not even asking for the extra 10% of my effort back, I just want it to be recognized that I’m giving a lot more than I am obligated to give!”

No one knows how this will end, as it plays out over the Penguins ‘bye week’, but everyone from player to fan is concerned. One witness claims that she even saw Eighmy at a laser tattoo removal clinic, having his Penguins logo tattoo ’tramp-stamp’ removed from his lower back.

“It was sad, really,” the fan admitted. “To see such a wonderful man, remove such an awesome tattoo from his lower back is sad. I am such a huge Penguins fan. I did ask him if he could get me Sean Hickey’s autograph! And that’s how I got this black-eye! I’m never washing my face again!!!

Penguins Ravaged by Injury and Disease

2010-11-30T05:14:00.001-08:00

Foxboro, MA – Another game, and another re-vamped hockey team. The Ice Holes, sporting new players and an ‘A’ level rent-a-goalie, beat the Penguins 7-3 last night at the Foxboro Sports Center. Riddled with injuries, sickness and suspensions, the Penguins were down five players, with another four guys sporting the flu on the ice, and were once again unable to convert on many of their scoring opportunities. This game put the Penguins on a two game losing streak, and is causing concern across the team and Penguins’ Nation.

“It’s really disappointing,” a visibly tired Penguins’ coach, Jacques Douchey admitted after the game. “I told the boys before the game, to ‘be the puck’. I think they thought I said, ‘play like you suck’. It might be my strong Canadian accent, or the fact I had a bad connection on my cell phone when I left them that message on the team voicemail. In any case, it sucked.”

The Penguins did manage to score one goal in every period of the game, with goals coming from Sean Hickey, Pat Hickey (assist Sean Hickey) and Tragakis (assist Jefe Del Huevo) in each period respectively. However, this ‘light offense’ wasn’t enough to overcome the onslaught brought on by the Ice Holes.

Amid the losing streak, rumors are running rampant across the league as the cause of the Penguins’ woes. Recently, concern has arisen over the change of duties in the locker room.

“There is a general concern by the team right now,” commented one source close to the team. “Jefe Del Huevo handed over the administrative duties and Sherwood is now bringing the water-bottles to the games, and it is causing anxiety in the locker room. Players don’t know which end is up anymore, and it is bleeding over to their performance on the ice.”

Adding fuel to the fire, Bilbo brought beer to the game last night, and it wasn’t even Canadian. This marks the first time he has brought beer to a game…ever.

“I’m frightened,” stated Wilmot from his hospital bed. “If Sherwood brings the water, and Bilbo brings the beer, what can I contribute? I thought I had job security, but I’ve got nothing! What is going on?! Who am I?! Will I have a job when I get back? Can I carry hockey bags? Sticks?”

Hombre Del Huevo responded with the following written statement:

"I am not an animal! I am a human being! I...am...a man! So why don’t you all take a step back and [expletive] your own face!"

The Penguins have a bye week next week, but will have their hands-full when they take on another revamped hockey team, Happy Hour on December 13th.

Penguins Offense Takes Sabbatical

2010-11-24T08:35:00.000-08:00

Foxboro, MA – With a different goalie, and at least four new players not previously on the ice during their first match-up of the season, the Old Dogs were able to beat the Penguins by a score of 3-1. The slightly re-vamped Old Dogs scored two quick goals in the first period, and never looked back, as the Penguins were unable to capitalize on their scoring chances.

The only goal for the Penguins came from Sean Hickey in the 3rd period. With an end-to-end trip that ended with Hickey doing a little razzle-dazzle in front of an otherwise phenomenal Old Dogs goalie, Hickey flipped the puck to his backhand and lifted the puck into the net.

“Tough loss,” the Penguin’s coach, Jacques Douchey commented, after the game. “We filled the stat sheet with penalty minutes, but that is about it. The Old Dogs played a solid game, and their goalie put on a clinic. We’d all like to have a do-over, but there are no do-over’s in the NESHL. You can bet your ass we will be working on a lot of [expletive] this week. We have to work on all facets of the game.”

The award for PIM King is now up for grabs on the Penguins team, as five players spent some alone time in the penalty box in last night’s debacle.

“We don’t plan on racking-up penalties during a game,” stated Captain Eighmy, during his post-game press-conference. “We were outmatched, and it is apparent. There were some really, really [expletive]’d-up calls and non-calls out there tonight. But that is sour grapes right now. We did not ratchet up the intensity, and the Old Dogs did. I hate everyone right now, and just want the pain to go away.”

After last night’s loss, Johnny Wilmot will hang-up his skates, marking the first time a Penguins player has volunteered for season ending surgery with no physical ailments to speak of.

“I just can’t go back on the ice,” the forward admitted after the game. “I’m going to have some plastic surgery, including; a tummy-tuck, a nose-job, and I will even have a few ribs removed while I’m at it. I plan on being extremely flexible and absolutely stunning when I return!”

The good news is that even with the loss, the Penguins will remain in 2nd place in the Lemelin Division. The Old Dogs who had been struggling, showed signs of scratching and clawing their way out of the basement, and are clearly on their way of making a bid in the playoffs. These two teams will meet two more times before the end of the season.

NESHL Could Be Outsourced

2010-11-17T08:20:00.000-08:00

A change of venue may be in order for the NESHL, as allegations have arisen that the entire operation may be moving off-shore. According to sources, the NESHL will be re-branded as the NISHL (New Indian Senior Hockey League) when it makes its transition to India next season. These sources claim that the multi-million dollar operation would be much more profitable in India.

The rumors have surfaced, because of concerns over massive schedule changes. As schedule dates, times and ‘bye’ weeks have flip-flopped constantly over the past few months, it can only be assumed that ‘something’ is going on in the NESHL front-office.

“When you see mass-changes and confusion in the schedule, you have to assume something big is going on,” cited one hockey insider. “Besides, if they can out-source the entire operation to India, they will save a ton of money, while still making a considerable margin. It was only a matter of time before they made a move like this.”

Allegedly, the first move will include only the NESHL operations group, along with the officiating. As of now, they have already begun a series of off-shore officiating prototype games, where officials in India monitor the games on 17” black and white televisions from Mumbai, and remotely blow a whistle mounted in the rafters for penalties and goals. This move is not sitting well with many of those involved.

“Are you kidding me?” questioned Rodger Blunt, a player who experienced one of the first games using the off-shore officiating. “There was a huge delay in between the actual penalty and the whistle blowing. In fact the whistle blew in the 2nd period for a slashing call that occurred in the 1st period. Then, you have to dial a 800# to figure out why, and this took another 10-minutes just to walk through the automated command prompts to finally get the penalty call. I couldn't even get to a live person! Somehow I accidently bought a Dell computer in the [expletive]-up process, too!”

One source admitted that there were glitches in the initial practice run, but that these will be worked out over time.

“Our goal is to bring the phone wait times down under 5-minutes,” commented a source close to the league. “There will always be a delay, hell the officials in India are actually Cricket umpires, and have never even seen a hockey game, but they are damn cheap. We can get ten of them for less than we pay one U.S. official here in the States. This is a win-win for the league.”

In subsequent phases, entire teams may be moved to India as well. This does not bode well for many players and their families, as they will be required to re-locate or find another league to play in. Sources claim that they can get more players at a better rate in India. Even though the quality of play may go down for the first 20-30 years, this is something the league is willing to live with.

“We are reviewing team names right now,” admitted Rhamm Babbu, an external consultant to the league from Mumbai. “We are preparing to change the team names to things that make sense to us here in India. For example, the Old Dogs will become the Slum Dogs after that great movie of the same name. We don’t have Penguins over here in India, so we may just change their name to Tikka Masala, which is a very good Indian chicken dish. I think a Penguin is like a chicken, no?”

In a list that was leaked to the media, other team name changes include; the Maple Leafs becoming the Delhi Mayapuri Nagar, and the Scorpions being renamed the Rajasthan Royals. The only name that will not be changed so far is Analog, which already does a lot of outsourcing in India.

Although all indications point to mass protest over this move, there has been no official comment over these allegations from the league. As of now, players are left wondering about their future in the NESHL or the NISHL if the transition takes place.

Penguins Roll Against Analog

2010-11-16T12:17:00.000-08:00

Walpole, MA – The Penguin’s roster reads like an emergency room register, with more and more players being put into an Injured Reserve category. With Roode 1 down with a torn labrum, Lutfy out with a fractured knee, Kenney sidelined with back spasms, and Tragakis out for chronic vaginosis, the Penguins had their hands-full in last night’s game against their arch-rival Analog. But lack of players did not keep the Penguins down; as they went on to win by a score of 5-3, in front of a sold-out crowd at the Iorio Arena.

“We are excited as a team right now,” admitted Jefe Del Huevo, after the game. “Leap-year happens, what? Every four years, right? And last night Youngblood brought beer*, for the first time in Penguin’s history. We are celebrating Christmas early, with the same gift I got on my 5th birthday, a 30-pack! This is big!”

*Note: There was no beer brought to the game, as this is against league policy. The above statement was made for comedic affect, and is no indication of any alcoholic beverages being brought into the locker room.

With their lineup depleted, the Penguins went into the game with all remaining guns blazing. The Firm provided the main attack with goals being scored by Sean Hickey and Sniper. Rookie Pat Hickey, who was seemingly absent from the scoring, was not available for comment after the game, as his parent picked him up early.

“The way I see it,” commented Curchin. “If I can get in the lineup with The Firm, I’ll probably score two-hundred goals, and have another thousand assists. Sometimes I just sneak out onto the ice, and hope no one notices I’m on the wrong line. Unfortunately, Eggman caught me last night, but there’s always next week!”

According to recent reports, many players on the Penguins team have reportedly requested a move onto The Firm. The latest report indicates that Mark S, the new Penguins goalie, was the latest in submitting his request to be transferred onto The Firm.

“Hell, I might make more saves on that line,” stated the rookie goalie. “I want in! Those guys are good, and just because I’m a goalie it doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings too!”

In a display of leadership, Eggman took it into his own hands to spark some scoring, by hitting Sniper in the back of the head with a slap-shot from the point. No one is quite sure how this tactic works, but Sniper did get two goals on the night, so no one is questioning his approach.

With all the focus on The Firm, Bilbo has silently put on a show for the OML, taking the lead in points for that line with a goal last night.

“I put the jelly in the doughnut,” the OML leader said. “I put the munchkin in the basket. I put the crawler on the top shelf. I…well you get it. I’ve got to go and make real doughnuts.”

Penguins Collar Old Dogs

2010-11-10T08:38:00.000-08:00

Walpole, MA – The Penguins continued their winning ways last night at the Iorio Arena, with a solid performance in their first match-up of the season against the Old Dogs. The Penguins skated into last night’s game plagued with injuries and suspensions, but were still a formidable force as they capped the night with a 7-4 victory over their division rivals. This win gives the Penguins a 3-0-1 record in their last four games, and puts them back in the hunt for the playoffs.

“I’m proud of those boys,” stated Penguins coach, Jacques Douchey. “When you go up against a team like the Old Dogs, you need to bring your ‘A’ game, and that’s just what they did. Besides, from what I could see, it was more of the Bitter Old Dogs, but what do I know? They just seemed a bit out of sorts. Maybe it was time for their Geritol break.”

Scoring came early and often for the Penguins, with goals from Youngblood and Sean Hickey in the 1st period. But the scoring did not stop there. Longtime Penguins fan favorite, Johnny Wilmot picked-up his first goal of the season, which left him weeping with joy in the corner of the rink.

“I want to thank my mom, and my dad,” rambled the ecstatic Wilmot after the game. “I dedicate my goal tonight to my lovely children Richard, Erich and Kate. I love you guys! You no longer have to bow your heads in shame as you walk through school. Your father is a winner! Your father is a champion! Someone spoon me, I think I’m going to faint!”

The Penguins took their foot off the accelerator in the 2nd period, allowing the Bitter Dogs to score two goals, and slash the Penguins lead to 3-2. Pat Hickey managed to score off of a Wilmot pass, once again giving the team a little breathing room.

“I love you Iorio,” shouted Wilmot from the rafters. “I got a goal and an assist and there is nothing anyone can do about it! I’m as giddy as a school girl! I’m as light as a feather! Thank you Walpole! Has anyone seen my pants?! Hell, who cares! I’m a man-eater, baby! Pants not required for this hockey-cat!”

But the Old Dogs would not put their tail between their legs just yet. Scoring two goals in the 3rd period, the Old Dogs cut the lead once again, leaving fans to wonder if this was the Penguins team of the past. A team that might take a lead, but could just as easily lose it under pressure. But this is not your father’s Penguins team, and the men stood tall under the pressure.

Youngblood, Sean Hickey and Sherwood all scored in the third, with assists coming from teammates Tragakis and Curchin. Like Wilmot, Sherwood's goal marks his first point of the season as well.

"That's how the Sherminator rolls mother-[expletive]," Sherwood stated. "Pop-goes the weasel, freaks! The Sherminator is ona bad-mother-{expletive]. Props!"

Curchin also picked up his first penalty of the season, and is now in the running for the PIM King Award.

“I know I’m a long shot,” admitted Curchin, during his post-game press-conference. “But if Dimock and Sniper get thrown out of the league, PIM King is up for grabs. Besides, I fall down a lot, so that should count for something.”

The Penguins have their work cut out for them next week, as they take on Analog, a team they lost to at the start of the season. Analog has been known to shoot heroine and take massive doses of speed before games, and this has proven to be detrimental to the Penguins in the past.

“We will start 4-a-days,” barked Jefe Del Huevo in the locker room. “I set the lines tonight, and I will set the lines tomorrow. I am your Jefe. We must prevail. Good must defeat evil, and Analog is truly evil. Jefe Del Huevo has spoken!”

Captain Regains Control

2010-11-09T06:15:00.000-08:00

Walpole, MA – As the Provo Penguins prepare for their match-up against the Old Dogs, captain Chris Eighmy has taken drastic measures. With his leadership being questioned last week, the Penguins front-office has taken steps to prevent a repeat performance for tonight’s game. Eighmy, formerly known as Hombre Del Huevo, will now be known as Jefe Del Huevo.

“It is time for the Man of Egg, to become the Boss of Egg,” stated Bud Manning, spokesman for the Penguins. “Last week things got out of hand, and although Roode has placed himself in the Betty Ford Clinic, there is no room for a repeat performance this time around.

With the new title comes more responsibility and pressure, but this does not concern Jefe Del Huevo.

“I am the Boss of Egg or Egg Boss, depending on how your brain translates crap,” commented Jefe. “Tonight, there is a new sheriff…same as the old sheriff, but new just the same. I will set the lines. I will order the team around like a bunch of beatches, and I will destroy anyone that gets in my way! The Egg Boss has spoken!”

Only time will tell if Jefe Del Huevo has fully gained the trust of the team, but all signs are positive as they head into what is being called a trap-game. Although the Old Dogs are only 1-3 on the season, they have a lower GA than the Penguins. With the recent injury to the Penguins starting goalie, along with his rehab stint, the Penguins will head into the lions-den with rookie Mark S.

“I do 70’s music, 80’s music, 90’s music and big band, swing-type music,” admitted Mark S, who is also a DJ. “When I am on the ice, and looking at the oncoming pucks, I am doing karaoke the whole time I’m in the crease. Sometimes I even do the moon-walk, but that is only when I’m at the top of my game. Bring it on, I say! What a feeling!”

Anarchy Reigns Supreme

2010-11-02T09:32:00.000-07:00

Foxboro, MA – Brad Childress the bumbling Vikings coach, has left the building, at least for the time being. Last night’s heavy-weight bout between the Provo Liquor Penguins and The Herd, nearly turned tragic, when Chris Roode attempted to take control away from the captain Chris Eighmy.

Only moments before puck-drop, an injured Roode, with arm in sling, began ranting and raving in the locker room, about setting the lines and taking control of the team. In a show of restraint, Hombre Del Huevo brushed off the injustice, and allowed Roode to take the lead, a move that nearly ended in the complete implosion of the team.

“It was embarrassing,” stated one player, who requested to remain anonymous. “There is only one captain on a team. For the Penguins that is the Eggman. You can’t have dissention in the ranks, and that’s what happened last night. It turned ugly.”

With a ranting lunatic at the helm, the Penguins’ team was visibly agitated. With the team in disarray, The Herd capitalized with two quick goals in the first period, leaving the Penguins bench reeling. Having won their last two games by a considerable margin, the Penguins were in unfamiliar territory, trailing at the end of the period. But just when things looked the bleakest, out of the fog came Jon Tenaglia, off a pass from Bilbo, to cut the lead in half with a blistering shot in the 2nd period.

That’s when the wheels came off the bus, or so it seemed. As both teams were racking up the penalties, ‘Coach for a Day’ Chris Roode stuck his head out a little too far onto the ice, and nearly had it decapitated as one of the Herd players drilled him off the bench, sending him into the wall. With eyeballs rolling in back of his head, play was stopped in the 3rd period, as players and officials tried to revive the injured Penguin. After some tense moments, Roode rose to his feet and was escorted to the locker room to the joy of everyone in the arena, especially the Penguins players.

“I just wanted him to shut-up,” admitted one player. “I mean seriously, he would not stop talking. About what I don’t even know. To be honest he was just standing in everyone’s way, and talking insensibly like a drunken Hari Krishna rocking back-and-forth on a sidewalk. It was really, really annoying.”

Within moments of Roode’s departure, the Penguins team came alive on the ice. With a mere 3 minutes to go in the game, Sean Hickey scored two back-to-back goals to give the Penguins a 3-2 lead. Although Tragakis wanted the Firm (minus Sniper) to get off the ice so he could get some more ice-time, Bilbo quickly jumped in, in another sign of dissention, and refused to allow anyone that was not ‘good’ onto the ice. As the players circled the net, trying to fend off the Herd onslaught, the Herd managed to put a biscuit in the basket at the buzzer to tie the score and end the game.

“I didn’t realize that we were playing until the buzzer,” admitted Mark S, stand-in goalie for the Penguins. “According to the Goalie Union, we get breaks in-between periods, as well as 10 seconds before the end of the 3rd period. Unfortunately, I was packing-up when they scored that last goal, so bad timing I guess. The good news is I’m available to DJ at weddings and Bar Mitzvahs, so call me!”

With the tie, the Penguins managed to stay one game ahead of the Herd in the standings, with a record of 3-2-1 on the season. Next up on the schedule, is a game against the Old Dogs on Tuesday November 9th, at 10:10 p.m..

“As of last night, we implemented a new rule for the team called ‘Roode’s Rule’,” said Hombre Del Huevo, after the game. “It is a two-part rule. First, all bumbling drunks must remain in the stands, in the locker room, or at Betty Ford Clinic at game-time. Second, anyone that messes with my lines will be fined thousands of dollars and suspended from the team for a minimum of 12 years. Shortly I will announce the Alternate Captains. That is all."

Penguins Goalie Out For Season

2010-10-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – After absorbing a three-player collision in last Monday night’s game between the Provo Liquor Penguins and Happy Hour, Penguins’ goalie Chris Roode has been placed on the DL. Roode, who let in two goals in the Penguins 11-2 victory, tore the rotator-cuff in his right shoulder, and may be out for the entire season.

“It’s my fault,” stated a tearful Brandin Andrews, during a phone interview yesterday evening. “I ran into him! I just couldn’t stop! He’s my best friend; I didn’t mean to do it! I love him! He is my little buddy! Hey, this won’t affect my points will it? I’m in second place behind Sean Hickey for points on the team, and I just wouldn’t want anything to happen to that. But I am so sorry!”

Immediately after the game, the team knew Roode was serious, when he exhibited difficulty in getting the beer to his lips, in both the locker room and the bar. A few players wept openly, when they saw him lap his beer like a dog to get to the frosty beverage.

“I’ve never seen him like this,” claimed his older brother Ryan Roode. “Even when I stole his beer…or did he steal my beer? I can never remember. Bottom line is, he has never, and I repeat never, had trouble drinking beer. This has to be serious.”

Doctors are slow to give any indication of when he will be back on his feet, but all signs indicate that he will be out for the entire season. Roode has been the most consistent player on the team, having missed only a handful of games when he was suspended for fighting. Even though he skated from his net, into the opposing team’s offensive zone to get into the fight, the suspension is still deemed unwarranted by everyone in the Penguins’ locker room.

“We are actively looking for a back-up goalie,” admitted Penguins’ coach, Jacques Douchey. “Hopefully we can find someone that can stand in the net as well as Chris. He was a hell of a player. Scrappy. That’s what he was, scrappy. I mean his Goals Against was nothing to write home about, but hell of a scrappy player.”

The Penguins have begun the search in earnest for a new goalie, and have scoured the Want Ads, and have even gone so far as to place an ad in Craigs List.

“We just need a body,” stated Ryan Curchin, back-up goalie for the Penguins. “It can’t be me. If the team thinks I suck out of the net….well, you know what I mean. I hope someone steps-up soon.”

Boychuk Slated For Rehab Start with Provo Penguins

2010-10-26T16:49:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA - Boston Bruin Johnny Boychuk, who suffered a fractured forearm in the loss to the Rangers on Saturday night, is scheduled to make a rehab start for the Provo Penguins upon his return. It has been longtime rumored that the Penguins and the Boston Bruins had been working on a formalized arrangement between the two teams.

According to sources close to the Penguins, the Boston Bruins had allegedly reached out to the senior hockey team, in order to formalize a working relationship, where injured Bruins’ players would begin their climb back to the NHL by working out with the Provo Liquor Penguins.

“The Bruins are excited about this agreement,” stated one source, who wished to remain anonymous. “They have had difficulty in the past, rehabilitating players after an injury. By the Provo Penguins allowing them to use their facility, and to join their team for official NESHL games, it really provides a great advantage to the Bruins players.”

Hockey insiders are mixed in their opinion of this agreement. While all would agree that this benefits the Bruins, many are left wondering what the Penguins actually get out of this deal.

“Don’t get me wrong, it looks good on paper,” explained Stan Croakley, from Penguins Insider Magazine (PIM). “Every senior hockey team would love to be affiliated with an NHL team, but for the Penguins they don’t gain much. In fact, there is some concern that the rehabbing players, might actually take the level of play down for the Penguins. You basically have a guy coming off a sprain or a fracture, and he is trying to compete at a senior hockey level with the greatest team in NESHL history. It has yet to be determined how it will affect the level of play.”

No other details have been made available to the public on the agreement, but both parties seem to be happy with the deal. Boychuk could begin playing at the end of November, and is slated to play with the Penguins either against the Maple Leafs or the Scorpions.

“Whatever we can do to help these guys out works for us,” commented veteran Penguins defenseman, Sean Kenney. “JB has always been one of our favorites, so if slapping some pucks around will get him back on the ice for the Bruins faster, than we are all in!”

Penguins Get Last Call With Happy Hour

2010-10-26T06:33:00.000-07:00

Raynham, MA – What a difference a season makes. During the Summer Season, when the Provo Penguins faced-off against Happy Hour, they were greeted by ringer after ringer, and ultimately suffered loss after loss. The Penguins were outmatched and outplayed by both college and Junior Hockey players, that had been recruited by the Happy Hour team.

Last night however, the tables were turned as the Penguins skated to an 11-2 victory over the non-ringer Happy Hour team, at CDL Arena in Raynham. This game marks the Penguins' second win in a row on the road, and gives the team their first winning record in two seasons at 3-2-0.

“We thought this was an over-30 league,” commented the Happy Hour goalie after the game. “There were a bunch of guys on their team that were young, and they skated all over us. I think it is bull-[expletive]!”

These comments come as a shock to the league and to the fans, as this has always been an over-18 league. The comments are also concerning, since they come from a member of the same team that stacked their roster with 18-20 year old, elite 'A' level players just last summer. Apparently, when losing, the team prefers strict adherence to an imaginary over-30 rule.

“This is a strange comment,” responded Penguins’ coach, Jacques Douchey. “Is it possible to have an over 30-league, than not have an over 30-league, and then have an over 30-league again? I don’t think so. We have always stuck by our roster, and have only 'C' level players on this team. We would expect others to do the same.”

The night started out on shaky ground for the Penguins, who in an attempt to catch lightening in a bottle for the second straight game, planned to skate with three-lines up front. However, there was dissention starting in the locker room, and things were turned on their side when Dimock switched himself to defense.

“Dimock doesn’t skate on a third line,” stated the Dimock, talking about himself in third-person. “Dimock skates when, where and how Dimock wants to skate. My 9-year-old knows more about hockey than Tragakis will ever know! I don't know why, I just like to state the obvioius. Pandas are furry, too!”

The Penguins went on a scoring spree early in the 1st period, scoring four quick goals, giving the team a 4-1 lead. All three members of the Law Firm (Hickey, Hickey & Andrews) scored, with the fourth goal coming from none other than Mr. Fabulous himself, Jon “Youngblood” Tenaglia. Youngblood would go on to score another goal, and along with the captain Chris Eighmy, went +11 on the night.

The Penguins added two more goals in the 2nd period off shots from Tragakis and Sean Hickey, giving the Penguins a commanding 6-1 lead.

Tapping into last week’s Blitz Krieg mentality, the Penguins went berserk in the 3rd period, scoring five more goals with three from Sean Hickey, one from Curchin with the final goal from Youngblood to end the scoring for the night.

Also, contributing on the night with assists, were; Pat Hickey, Sean Hickey, Sniper, Dimock, Bilbo and Curchin. There were also assists from imaginary players, with numbers 30 and number 5.

All around, it was a solid game for the Penguins, who take on the Herd next week in Foxboro. Some sad news did come out of last night after the game, when Penguins’ goalie Roode 1 checked into the hospital for evaluation on a possible torn rotator-cuff, or torn labrum in his right shoulder. This news has all of Penguins Nation waiting anxiously for the results, as the season depends on Roode 1 being in net.

“Actually, I think a [expletive] donkey could play net,” responded Andrews, after hearing the news of Roode 1’s injury. “I mean all you have to do is stand there, right? How hard could it be? We’ll be fine. I’ll bring my 3-year-old niece in to play net when Roode is out. Seriously…don't you just stand there?! How hard could it be?”

Penguins Put On Blitzkrieg

2010-10-19T06:27:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – The Germans used the term Blitzkrieg, or Lightening War, to describe a method of warfare, based on speed and surprise. Last night, the Provo Liquor Penguins demonstrated their own version of a Blitzkrieg, combined with shock and awe, as they skated to a 10-2 victory over the Iceholes in last night’s match-up. This win comes off a big loss last week, and brings them back up to .500 for the season at 2-2.

“I’m proud of those boys,” explained Coach Douchey after the game. “I’m going out on a limb here, when I say I’d bet on any hockey team that scores ten goals in a game, but that’s the kind of guy I am. Give those boys some credit. They looked like dog-turd the week before, so this is a pleasant surprise. I really hope to meet the players someday down the road. Not too soon, but down the road. Way down…”

A dribbler by Youngblood started the scoring off for the night, as Youngblood used deception and concentration, to will the puck past the goalie. It broke the previous record for the ‘slowest moving puck’ to actually get past a goalie, and was clocked at .001 m.p.h. As the goalie tried to play the barely moving puck, it somehow slipped past his stick into the net.

“I was using the Force,” stated Youngblood, who also had an assist on the night. “Sometimes I just mess with people’s minds, and make them do things they don’t want to do. It worked in college, which is why I got so many dates. Tonight I just made the guy miss the puck. If you heard him, he was repeating my mind-thoughts, and saying ‘miss the puck’ over and over, as the puck slid past him. Sometimes I use the same trick on Curchin, which is why he never is able to pass, shoot, carry or even touch the puck. It is kind of fun, although I probably shouldn’t do it to my own teammates.”

The Iceholes also scored in the first period, to tie the game, before the Penguins came alive. Tragakis managed the impossible, by actually getting a goal on the ice.

“I really scored,” an elated Tragakis said while at the podium. “I want to thank my parents, and all my friends, and my cousins, and hell, I want to thank the referees. Don’t forget the goalie from the Iceholes, I want to thank him too! I love you all!”

After Tragakis’ goal gave the Penguins the lead, the floodgates were opened and the team went on a scoring spree so violent, the Iceholes are filing charges. The Youngman Line, consisting of Sniper and the Firm (Hickey & Hickey), put on a hockey exhibition amazing players and fans alike. Sniper had four goals and an assist, Pat Hickey had a goal and an assist and Sean Hickey had two goals and an assist; giving the YML 10 points on the night.

The first of two highlight moments came when Roode skated out of the net with the puck, and made a nearly end-to-end pass to Youngblood to setup the first goal. This marks only the second time in NESHL history, where a goalie has provided the assist on a dribbler goal.

“That is how I role mother-[expletive],” Roode said after the game. “What do you think I’m doing back there in the net while the game is going on? I’m thinking of porn, and of how I can help the team. I mean it is pretty obvious that I am Tim Thomas and Tukka Rask combined…call me Timukka!”

The other highlight moment came when the captain, Chris Eighmy scorched a shot past the goalie from the point. Eighmy, who had been demonstrating his defensive prowess up until that point, decided to show the team a little of his offensive skills. Clenching his butt-cheeks, and winding up with all he had, he drilled the puck into the net, leaving the goalie with burn-marks on his arms and legs. The puck was clocked at 344 m.p.h., and tipped the scales on the other side of the record books, and is listed as the fastest goal to ever blow past a goalie in a regulation hockey game.

“Sometimes I just need to lead the team on offense too,” commented Hombre Del Huevo. “That’s just how I roll beatch! How does my slap-shot taste [expletive]?!”

Penguins Move Forward

2010-10-12T07:59:00.001-07:00

Foxboro, MA – In a heated match, the Provo Penguins took on their division rivals the Scorpions last night, at the Foxboro Sports Center. Both teams came out swinging, the result of which was a hard fought hockey game that thrilled hockey fans across the globe.

Next week, the Penguins will continue their quest for the cup, when they take on the Iceholes at the Walpole Iorio Arena. Although the Iceholes lost their first two games, they cannot be taken lightly. Rumors have risen in recent weeks, claiming that the Iceholes as a team had begun a radical campaign of ‘sexting’ NESHL referees. It has been reported that a number of players sent naked photos of themselves to the referees, in an effort to get more calls to go their way on the ice.

“Some people send naked photos to reporters,” claimed an anonymous source. “The Iceholes are taking a different spin on this, and are hoping that the photos will either sicken the referees enough to distract them during their games, or the referees will like the photos enough they will make calls go their way. In either case, it is win, win situation for the Iceholes.”

The Penguins have their own problems to deal with, considering their lack of team play on the ice. From players not passing, to the lack of back-checking, to playing finesse ‘girly’ hockey, the team needs to buckle-down in order to move forward.

“We cannot concern ourselves with other hockey teams sending pictures of their junk to referees,” commented team captain Chris Eighmy. “We have to play Penguins hockey damn it! It is time we play like a team, or I will personally crack some [expletive] skulls! Pass the [expletive] puck! Shoot the [expletive] puck! It’s really that simple. Get that [expletive] camera out of my [expletive] face!”

Puck drop is scheduled for 10:10 p.m. on Monday October 18th for the Penguins, and this is sure to be the greatest game of their lives!

Penguins Must Exterminate Scorpion Problem

2010-10-11T08:50:00.000-07:00

Foxboro, MA – The Provo Penguins take on an undefeated Scorpions team tonight, at the Foxboro Sports Center. Puck drop is scheduled for 9:10 p.m., and a sellout crowd is expected. These two teams have created one of the fiercest rivalries in the game of hockey, a rivalry that has been on the verge of all-out violence. In order to avoid an escalation after the game, Foxboro Mayor, Tony Manton, has called on the National Guard to be on-hand for tonight’s match-up.

When the subject for the game is not centered-around the violence expected, the discussion centers on how different these two teams actually are.

“Aside from the players,” commented Rick Speigel, NESHL Hockey Analyst. “Which are obviously different on each team, there are some major hockey differences between them. While the Scorpions are like a cold war, evil Russian empire, the Penguins are their antithesis, a struggling, kind-hearted American team that will prevail in the end…or all hope is lost for humanity.”

The stat sheet speaks volumes about these two teams, with one of the most lopsided stats being the Goals Against (GA) numbers. While the Scorpions have a GA of ‘1’, the Penguins are sitting with a big, fat snowman; with ‘8’.

“Don’t make fun of my friend,” yelled a visibly upset Brandin Andrews, referring to Penguin's goalie Roode 1. “GA has nothing to do with a goalie’s performance. It is just an indication of the number of goals the goalie let in, you can't blame the goalie for that. I mean where is the defense? Where is the back-checking? Where is my best friend?”

Andrews was not the first person to mention the problem in front of the net. Tom Thomas, third-cousin of Tim Thomas from the Bruins, noticed the issue throughout last season.

“They are a solid team,” stated Thomas during a recent phone interview. “The Penguins can take it to the next level, but they have to buckle down in front of the net. Let’s put it this way. While slashing, hacking and tackling are all considered illegal, the Penguins need to protect the front of their net any way they can. The team must form a frozen-curtain tonight against the Scorpions, and prevent anyone and everyone from getting a scoring opportunity.”

In the past, the Penguins have taken a more relaxed; ‘love thy neighbor’ approach to defending their own zone. In a recent game, one Penguins’ player actually laid down in front of the net, resting his head in his hands, in a display of non-violence.

“Tonight, we must defeat the Evil Empire,” responded Buddy Ryder, assistant GM for the Penguins. “They may be stronger, they may be bigger, and we know they use steroids, HGH , LSD and probably crack. But the Penguins must strap on a pair of over-sized, American testicles, and kick the crap out of anyone that gets in front of the net. This is our net damn it! Defend it at all costs!”

Roode 1 was not available for comment, however his brother Roode 2 was home during our call, and had this to say;

“Actually I don’t think it has anything to do with back-checking, or defending the net, I just think it is my brother’s fault. I mean honestly, the guy is the human-sieve, he lets in a lot of goals. He steals my beer, and he lets in goals. Or did I steal his beer? Anyway, it doesn’t matter. He lets in lots of goals, and I tell him that every night when he takes the top bunk.”

As both teams gear-up for the fight of their lives, all eyes will be on the Penguins to see whether they will step-up to defeat the evil Scorpions.

NESHL Random Thoughts...

2010-10-07T05:03:00.000-07:00

It’s another Winter Season in the NESHL, and with the mass exodus of the skilled high school/college level players there’s nothing left but us old guys with limited skill...holy crap it’s about time! Now the rest of us can shine…or at least not be so embarrassed!

As we get back in shape after a long, long off-season (longer for some of us than others), and jump onto the ice, we start thinking of ‘all things’ NESHL. For me, the same topics pop-up year after year as we enter into a new season. These random thoughts tend to hold us all back from getting our real work done…or is that just me?!

In no particular order, here are the NESHL Random Thoughts of the Winter Season:

- Is it physically possible for a human-being to ‘warm-up’ in the allotted 3-minute warm-up time before a game?

- Meeting players from other teams off the ice, could ruin the league. It is hard to pound a guy in the face during a game, when you just ran into the guy at the Toys R Us and met his kids. Let’s keep the violence alive…wear your jersey out on the street, and let’s keep to our ‘own kind’ going forward.

- How come it takes a lot longer for the standings to get updated after a Maple Leafs loss? It seems like the standings are updated in-between periods when the Maple Leafs win and it can take weeks after a loss…

- Are we the only team that loses half-a-dozen pucks before every game, during the warm-ups? Who has all the [expletive] pucks?

- Aside from a few hammered refs we ran into during a game in Dedham, they all seem pretty sober. How do the referees go a whole game at an NESHL ‘C’ level game without drinking? We all think we look like Ovechkin or Sid the Kid, but seriously…

- When the economy went into the hole, the NESHL team fees went up. I think the Obama administration has been wasting its time investigating big oil…

- Does Iorio know that there are toilets attached to the locker-rooms? Is splashing some ammonia or bleach onto the layers of urine and feces-caked floors and walls asking too much? I’m not expecting to see a guy handing out towels and mints in there, but they can put an end to the bubonic plague if they just douched the room once a month.

- Is the NESHL doing all it can to prevent ringers from being brought into the playoffs? Last season we submitted season rosters, carried ID’s in our hockey-bags, and declared our playoff roster 6-weeks before the playoffs. But is this enough? How about implementing retinal eye-scans and DNA testing? Is it too much to ask for mandatory blood tests in-between periods in order to keep this game clean?! This is serious, senior hockey damn it, we deserve to know if players are on the active roster list or not!

It is a lot to think about. See you on the ice!

Hickey Wins The Haley Head-Strong Award

2010-10-06T14:23:00.000-07:00

Over the past few years, the Provo Penguins, the heart-and-soul of the New England Senior Hockey League, have been forced to battle adversity at every turn. From star players moving out of state in the middle of a season, to the NESHL posting the wrong schedule for the team before a big game, it has been trail-of-tears for this team. But that is changing!

This year, in only the second game of the season, the Penguins posted their first win of the Winter Season. It took nearly six games in the summer for the Penguins to achieve this same feat, which was one of the longest win-droughts in team history.

But with the win in the second game, all that is behind the club now, and the future is paved with goals and assists for this franchise. In the spirit in which this team has battled back time and time again, the Provo Penguins will begin awarding the ‘The Haley Head-Strong Award’ to a key player that exhibits strength, leadership and sheer determination during a game.

This week’s Haley Head-Strong Award goes to Sean Hickey. Sean had been diagnosed with the flu earlier that morning, and looked like a definite scratch for the tilt against the Maple Leafs. But pushing the bedside nurse aside, and tearing the intravenous needle from his arm, Hickey rose to the challenge and arrived at the rink only a minute before puck-drop.

Sweating, spitting and hacking-up bodily fluids onto the ice, Hickey managed to score two goals, and provide an assist to end a dramatic night with 3-points and giving the Penguins their first win of the season.

Unfortunately, the entire team was infected with Hickey’s disease, and no one was able to attend the award ceremony. However, they all wished him well from their sickbeds.

Congratulations Sean Hickey! You are truly Head-Strong!

Penguins Pull-Off Upset Win!

2010-10-05T06:48:00.000-07:00

Foxboro, MA – Everything was on-the-line for the Penguins last night at the Foxboro Sports Center, with a match-up between division rivals the Maple Leafs. In what can only be coined the hockey "match-up of the century", the Penguins skated away victorious when all odds were stacked against them. Heading into the game, the talk on the street had the advantage going to the Leafs, but as they say, talk is cheap.

“We have been disrespected since day one,” the Penguins’ captain, Chris Eighmy (Eighmy has been on the team for a number of years, please check the roster) commented after the game. “A bunch of people said we revamped our team. That is bull-[expletive]! The last time I checked adding one player to the roster in three-years is not considered revamping! We won this game through pure determination!”

The captain shook-up the lines last night, when he introduced pick-up hockey style shifts. Players replaced one another, no matter the position, when they came off the ice. Although it caused great concern with Sherwood, the strategy worked, and the team went on to win.

Ryan Roode (on the team for many seasons as well) started the night off with a goal in the 1st period, with an assist from none other than Youngblood (his real name is Tenaglia, and he has played on the Penguins team since they were called the Walpole Flyers and later the Walpole Whalers…please check the roster). When the Leafs took a 2-1 lead later in the period, Mr. Lutfy from the OML tied the game with a little help from Big Matty. Both players have been on the team for many years (please check the roster).

It looked like the Penguins might run away with the game when Sean Hickey (yes…also on the roster for at least 2 years) gave the Penguins the edge in the 2nd period, after receiving a pass from Sniper (real name is Brandin Andrews, he has been on the team for two seasons, and played a few seasons before that). But the Leafs would not die, as they managed to tie it once again in the 3rd period.

“I knew I had to do something,” commented Tragakis (on the team for 3 seasons) during his press-conference. “And we all know it wasn’t going to be on the ice. So I did what any man would do, I bought new team water bottles. I know it sounds crazy, but I think that gave us the advantage we needed to win. I’m not sure it translates into any points, but I know the guy who writes the blog so I’ll see what he can do.”

Unlike seasons past, the Penguins would also not go away, scoring late with a goal from Pat Hickey (yes! Pat is new….he is the new guy!), with an assist from Sniper (again, on the team for a long time). The final goal was provided by Sean Hickey (…see above, on the team for a while), what made this last goal so special, was that the assist came from his brother Pat (yes, the new guy mentioned above). Their parents who were in the stands, both wept with joy. The joy continued as they got the two Hickey’s booster seats ready for the ride home, in the parking lot.

“We are so proud of our boys,” stated Mr. Hickey, the Hickey's proud father. “They are the ‘fo shizzle. I mean fo' sheezy mah neezy as their mother likes to say! Don’t get me wrong, we are all about the fo shizzle ma nizzle! We think it important to talk to our children in a language they can understand. Peace!”

This win puts the Penguins on a 1-game winning streak, and on the road to the playoffs.

“While every team makes the playoffs, that is true,” admitted Kenney (on the team for 5 years at least) from Austin, Texas where he took part in his rehab stint, and missed the game. “But a 1-game winning streak is pretty damn cool! I think it is the first winning streak we have had since I joined the team in ’05.”

The win marks a turning point in the Penguins season, but Penguins coach Douchey, advised caution going forward.

“It is only one win,” responded the coach. “There is still a lot of hockey to play. We have to improve on all facets of the game, including working on advanced skills like skating both backwards and forwards. Hell, of a good job on the water bottles though! That is truly the shiznits!”

Penguins Lose Home Opener

2010-09-29T06:19:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – The Provo Penguins dropped their home-opener against Analog last night, with a final score of 5-2. Although the team added new personnel during the off-season, the lack of practice and conditioning led to the Penguins demise. Sniper and Bilbo scored in the first period, keeping the Penguins toe-to-toe with Analog, but the wheels came off the bus in the 2nd, when Analog went on a three-goal shooting spree.

“I’m not sure what happened,” commented Youngblood from the Massachusetts Eye and Ear Infirmary. “I took a puck in the eye in warm-ups, so I couldn’t see a damn thing for the entire game. Unfortunately, I will have to postpone my ‘Cage-less Hockey’ tour, where I talk to kids at different schools, teaching them to remove their cages and masks from their helmets when they play hockey. It is a ‘freeing’ experience, and I recommend it to all the kids! I just want my broken cheekbone to heal first!”

Youngblood took a puck from an errant shot from Curchin during warm-ups, and had limited vision throughout the night. Unfortunately for Youngblood, he was nowhere near the net, which is the exact wrong place to be when Curchin is taking a shot. Because of his distance from the net, he got hit just below his right eye.

"We tell our players to stand directly in front of the net when Curchin is taking shots," said Roode 1 after the game. "It is the safest place to be. Unfortunately, Youngblood didn't get the memo."

The silver-lining in the loss, was that the OML proved once again that ‘younger is not better’ when it comes to hockey. The OML played solid throughout the game, while the young-guys seemed frightened and confused, playing a brand of ‘finesse’ hockey, which led to them constantly being stripped of the puck. Sherwood, Bilbo, Lutfy and Tragakis dominated throughout the game, and kept the score from getting out of hand.

“Look, I’m new to the team and the league,” responded the eighteen year-old Pat Hickey, the newest member of the team. “I’m not used to skating with really, really old guys. I wasn’t sure whether to break-out the defibrillator half the time, or to just call 911. These guys look like they are going to keel over at any moment!”

Unfortunately, the ‘YGL’ (Young Guy Line), went (-) 4 on the night, letting in nearly all the goals, and refusing to pass or back-check.

“We need to break-up the lines at this point,” stated Tragakis, during the post-game press-confernce. “We have threatened to do it in the past, and it is time. The OML is aggressive and scrappy, and the YGL has the finesse. If we marry these two strengths together, I think we will be better off. Besides, we need to carry the YGL for a while, until they get used to playing in the 'bigs'.”

The Penguins settled things down in the 3rd period, and although they were unable to convert in the period, they were able to blank Analog, rendering them scoreless as well. The team showed promise, and things can only get better as they continue to gel.

On a sad note, Ryan Curchin was escorted out of the rink after the 2nd period by the referee, as Curchin was having more trouble than usual staying upright while walking, skating and talking. Curchin was rushed to the emergency room to undergo a series of test.

“We have been conducting tests all night,” stated a visibly tired, Dr. Martin Connor of the Mass General Hospital. “We have come to the conclusion that Mr. Curchin is what you would call in layman’s terms an ‘idiot’. Originally we thought he needed a blood-transfusion, due to alcohol poisoning, however we soon realized we were wrong. At this point, all we can do is send Simple Jack...I mean Mr. Curchin back to the team to continue playing hockey. There is nothing we can do here.”

Next week the Penguins & ‘Simple Jack’ will take on the Scorpions in Foxboro. With the expected return of Hombre Del Huevo, the Penguins will have an opportunity to get back on track.

“On one hand I’m concerned we lost the game,” commented the captain, Chris Eighmy. “On the other hand, I’m just glad Curchin is getting the help he needs. Whether it’s the Betty Ford Clinic, or a frontal lobotomy, he will get the help he needs.”

Wear your face-masks, strap on your cages; it is time for more hockey!

Captain Out For Opener

2010-09-28T08:26:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – Bizarre circumstances, surround the recent placement of Penguins Captain, Chris Eighmy, onto the Penguins PUP list. With his contract extension in-the-air, and his recent public display of disappointment towards the organization, the timing couldn’t be more suspect for being listed as physically unable to perform. The season opener starts tonight, against Analog, and Eighmy will not be in attendance.

“As the captain of the team, he thinks he can do whatever he wants,” commented Phat Lyuh, spokesman for the Penguins. “Unfortunately for him, the organization does not agree. The Penguins front-office will fine Eighmy $3.50 per day until he reports back-in on the active roster list.”

Unfortunately for the organization, Eighmy has hired Rick Morris, the attorney who represents ‘The Player Formerly Known as Sally’, who now just goes by the symbol ¥. Morris is known as a cut-throat attorney, who has raked organizations over the coals during past contract negotiations.

“My client ¥, has not played for the team in a number of years,” stated Morris. “¥ and Eighmy are in the same boat. Although Eighmy is injured…or sick…and ¥ was just not asked to play anymore. Other than that they are in the same boat. ¥ and Eighmy will NOT play until they feel better, get a contract extension, or in ¥ case, someone just calls him and tells him he can play. If you guys are missing his number, I can give it to you!”

This news is disappointing, especially to a team that hoped to pick-up the pieces after being tossed out of the playoffs, like a rotting piece of tuna. With the captain out, the team will be forced to face one of their biggest rivals Analog, all alone.

“It is scary,” admitted Curchin from his home. “I mean, what if they want to have a captain’s meeting at center ice? Who goes out? I guess no one from our team. I’m a little concerned of how that will look. Besides, if there is only one captain on the ice, can he decide what happens for both teams, like who should play and not play? If he basis ice-time on performance, that could be really scary in my case. I want to play!”

According to sources close to the situation, the problem is much simpler, and there is actually no sinister plot at all.

“This has nothing to do with a contract negotiation,” responded Eighmy’s mom. “My little Eggy is sick! He has the sniffles and he has a tummy-ache, so I want him to get his rest. There will be no hockey for little Eggy tonight!”

Contract negotiations or tummy-ache, the Penguins are without their fearless leader as they head into the new season tonight in Walpole.

Are You Ready For Some Hockey??

2010-09-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – When you throw two teams from the NESHL’s Lemelin Division onto the ice, it is the equivalent of throwing gasoline onto a fire. But when those two teams happen to be the Provo Liquor Penguins and Analog, it is like throwing a canister made from C-4, which is filled with nitroglycerine onto a nuclear reactor.

On Tuesday night, these two teams will meet to kick-off the Winter Season, and there is a feeling of electricity running rampant across the entire country in anticipation.

“It’s not just fans,” commented Penguins Insider Magazine (PIM) columnist Dan Malone. “This is gearing up to be the biggest sporting event in American history, and everyone wants in! Tickets were sold out in April of last year, and people that have never even been to a hockey game are buying tickets. People have been camped out at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro for the past week, just trying to buy tickets to watch the live broadcast on the Jumbotron. This is crazy!”

With all the anticipation and excitement that has been building, the teams have been preparing in different ways. On the one hand, the Analog team has been on a continuous publicity tour, where the players have been taking part in a three-week ‘Dancing with Hockey Players’ event. The Analog players have been competing in pairs dancing, where players pair-up and compete against each other. The grand-finale is scheduled for Monday night, where the Analog dancers will perform a romantic dance wearing nothing but hockey socks and skates.

On the other hand, the Provo Penguins have begun a series of intense 3-a-day practices, held behind closed-doors. While past practices have been open to the public, the area has been secured by the Walpole Police, and players along with immediate family members are locked in the arena with no access to any form of media. Their only access to the outside world is through a series of Miller Lite trucks that have been rolling in on a regular basis, unloading kegs of beer into the player’s locker-room.

“This is a time to concentrate on the upcoming game,” stated Phat Lyah, spokesman for the Penguins. “From the front-office down to the individual player, there is a serious work-ethic in this organization. The Penguins realize that this is a big game, and they are leaving nothing to chance.”

While the teams are gearing up for the match, allegations in regard to both team sponsors as made it to the forefront of the news. In recent days, the relationship between Analog Devices and the team has been called into question.

“Analog Devices does not actually sponsor the Analog hockey team anymore,” admitted an anonymous source, who is neither close to the team nor to Analog Devices. “Currently, Analog is suing the team for copyright infringement, and will be terminating the employment of all employees on the team. What it seems to be coming down to, is that Analog has not sold any more devices through this sponsorship, and this has ticked off the company.”

With Provo Liquors, things could not be more different.

“Provo Liquors sells more alcohol if the Penguins win,” continued the anonymous, unbiased source. “They sell more if they tie and they sell more if they win. It is a win-win situation for the team and the store. Provo Liquors is a fine establishment to purchase, beer, wine and liquor! Feel free to stop by their store at 282 Dedham St (Route 1A), in Norfolk for some great deals on alcohol! And tell them Andy sent you!”

All eyes turn to the ice on Tuesday night to witness this amazing event, and only time will tell the outcome. There is nothing left but the waiting…

Here We Go...Again!

2010-09-22T06:03:00.000-07:00

Here we go again. After last season’s disappointing playoff run for the mighty Provo Liquor Penguins, the short three-week offseason has erased the feelings of dread and despair and replaced them with a sense of hope. It’s amazing how fast we forget! So here we go again. It’s another season, and another reason for Penguin’s fans to forget the past and to dream of future success.

Although the Penguins have struggled in the playoffs in the past, exiting early and often, the team has shown more than a glimmer of hope in each of its last playoff appearances. This small flicker of hope has led Penguins Nation down a path of ‘no return’ in the past, and the 2010 Winter Season is no different. Expectations are high, bordering on unrealistic, and the entire Penguin’s Organization from GM to player is feeling the added pressure.

In the offseason the team lost key players Mick O’Meara and Chris Boomer; O’Meara to injury, and Boomer to free-agency, which caused major concern with the team. But, when all seemed lost, the front-office made a 17-player trade, in which they finagled a first round pick in the draft, which landed them the child-prodigy Pat Hickey.

The young, eighteen year-old Pat Hickey, brother to the Penguin’s star-forward Sean Hickey, promises to be a rising star in the organization, and has already been compared to Tyler Seguin of the Boston Bruins.

WARNING! Comparing Pat Hickey to Tyler Seguin will give fans unrealistic expectations, and will eventually lead to heartbreak during the season.

Although Pat Hickey is taking the comparison in-stride, Penguins Nation has seemingly based the entire season on his performance. Aside from Tenaglia, who joined the Penguins (formerly the Walpole Flyers, Walpole Whalers) at the age of 10, no first-round pick has ever lived up to the hype, under such heavy expectations. Even Tenaglia started to show signs of wear in his rookie season, when he eventually was carted off to the hospital for an overdose on numerous, unknown narcotics. Eventually it was determined that he was just ‘partying like a rock-star’, however it was still concerning to all those around him.

Pat Hickey is about the same age as Seguin, but the comparison stops there. Pat Hickey is slower; less coordinated, has A.D.D. (Attention Deficit Disorder), can’t speak in complete sentences, and has chronic Narcolepsy, where he immediately falls asleep the second he gets excited. The narcolepsy has haunted him in the past as it has led to him falling asleep on his breakaways. He has actually never scored a goal because of it.

With that said, the addition of Pat Hickey has the team seemingly poised to go deep into the playoffs. In order to groom the young star, the team has taken special precautions. It is expected that he will be grouped with two members of the OML (Old Man Line), consisting of Sherwood, Lutfy and Tragakis. This will give the young kid an opportunity to learn the game from some really old guys. No one knows how this will help his game, but it is being done nonetheless.

Additionally, in order to prevent sibling rivalry between the two brothers, Mr. and Mrs. Hickey will drop-off and pick-up both kids for all games and practices, ensuring that a ‘pillow’ is properly placed between the boys in the car, and on the locker-room bench, to prevent fighting.

The new season is upon us, and only time will tell if the organization has made the right moves in the offseason. For now the Nation patiently waits, and hopes. Here we go again.

Penguins Schedule Announced

2010-09-19T16:58:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA - The first 5 games of the Provo Penguins schedule has been announced, and includes a game in the Raynham arena. Players as always, will be available to sign autographs before the game, and will be present for the post-game press-conference.

The 2010/2011 Schedule:

- 28-Sep TUE 10:10 NHL Analog vs Provo Penguins
- 4-Oct MON 9:00 FOX Scorpions vs Provo Penguins
- 11-Oct MON 9:10 FOX Maple Leafs vs Provo Penguins
- 18-Oct MON 10:10 NHL Iceholes vs Provo Penguins
- 25-Oct MON 9:50 RAY Provo Penguins vs Happy Hour

The schedule is not without controversy, as it is clear the Penguins once again have very few home games. This is discouraging, considering the signficant fan-base that the Provo Penguins have. It is apparent that this advantage was not overlooked by rival teams, and has resulted in few if any home games.

Hickey Lashes Out At Team

2010-09-16T16:44:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – Star-forward Sean Hickey has found himself in hot-water, after ill-timed comments about his contract situation with the Penguins. Hickey made the comments during a Penguins fundraiser to raise money for children suffering from MOD (Mick O’Meara’s Disease). MOD is an incurable disease where children unexplainably begin blowing-chunks into a barrel after skating on the ice for more than a minute. Hickey made negative comments about the organization, and about not feeling appreciated by the Penguins.

"I really don't think that personally I'm appreciated," he said during a 12-minute monologue, which took place while one MOD patient, little Timmy Horner was throwing-up in a waste-basket. "I mean [expletive] everyone! If the front-office doesn’t have time to talk to me about my contract then [expletive] them! On a side note, I could give two-[expletive] about little Timmy and this whole MOD disease! Let them throw-up all over there [expletive] faces as far as I’m concerned! Show me the [expletive] money damn it!”

Aside from the statements being completely ill-timed, Hickey still has 12 years left on his contract. His comments took the Penguins front-office by surprise.

“Honestly, who talks to a player about a new contract when there are 12 years left?” questioned Adam Dingle, Penguins attorney. “Our organization was quick to lock-up Hickey for an extended period of time because of his talent, but we are not going to be held hostage to his ridiculous demands. We just signed him to 12-years last month.”

Hickey’s agent was in agreement with Hickey however, and thinks that his client is being disrespected by the organization because his client is ‘too good’.

“I don’t care if there are one-hundred years left on Mr. Hickey’s contract,” responded Hickey’s agent, Burt Sticker. “When are they going to talk to us? In eleven years when his contract is almost over?! I don’t think so! I can say that we have made it clear at the start of this 12-year contract that we wanted to go immediately into negotiations for an extension. This is absolutely bull-[expletive]! It is obvious my client is too good for this team.”

When a reporter caught-up with Hickey in the parking lot after practice, Hickey would not back down from his earlier comments.

“I’ll drive over to the hospital and stick a stake in little Timmy Horners heart,” stated the angry player. “I’ll destroy all those up-chucking MOD sons-of-bitches! I want a contract damn it! I want another 12 years thrown on top of my 12 years, and then we can negotiate for an extension after that. I think that is fair considering how good I really am! If the Penguins don’t come to the table soon, I will be forced to sit-out training camp. I know that the fans are in my court on this one! They understand my predicament of only having 12-years of multi-million dollar security! I’m worried about feeding myself for Gods Sake! How can I do that on such a lame contract?”

Players, coaches and fans alike are actually shocked by Hickey’s comments. Hickey has been a fan favorite, ever since his first night on the ice for the Penguins, when he got a natural hat-trick (three goals per period). However these comments are rubbing some players the wrong way.

“He has a contract?” asked Curchin during a phone interview from his home. “I didn’t know we had contracts. Does he actually get paid? I’m pissed now! I’m not bringing anymore of my father’s aged 2005 beer to the locker-room! They can all eat [expletive]! I hate myself. MOM! Meatloaf!”

Coach Douchey was unavailable for comment, but Penguins forward Wilmot had this to say;

“I don’t care if Hickey wants a 30-year extension! Do whatever it takes damn it! Who is going to score our goals, the OML [Old Man Line]? Guertin? Me? Sign the crazy son-of-a-bitch now, damn it! I don’t want to be a loser anymore!”

When the smoke clears, there will surely be repercussions for the team that will spill over onto the ice. Many fans have begun burning their Hickey hockey jerseys in effigy. And little Timmy Horner has removed the #25 tattoo he had in commemoration of his idol Sean Hickey.

"Hickey tattooed my son damn it," cried Timmy's mom. "Who the [expletive]tattoos a sick child in his sleep? My son is only 8-years old...besides, his favorite player is Youngblood, not Hickey!"

Penguins Tour Update

2010-09-15T11:09:00.000-07:00

The Provo Liquor Penguins have officially begun their Angry Penguin Northern North American Tour, and are planning on making stops in six cities, including; Buffalo, Chicago, Des Moines, Rapid City, Miles City and Saskatoon Canada.

Senior Walpole Hockey Insider Magazine’s own Bud Rinkle, has been allowed the privilege of riding along with the Penguins and documenting the tour from the inside out. This is a never before seen insider view of a hockey team on the road, bringing you the sights and sounds along the way.

After missing for seven days the Provo Penguins bus miraculously appears in Saskatoon Canada.

Monday – After more than seven days lost on the roads of America and Canada, we somehow managed to find Saskatoon. The team kicked the referee, Dan Foglepotts off the bus, when he got the bus stuck in a swamp in Oklahoma. Foglepotts had been the driver for the team, and was responsible for one bad call after another, including throwing out the only map on the bus, and incorrectly putting the destination for Des Moines Iowa as Seoul Korea in the GPS.

The team managed to push the bus to solid ground and the tour continued. Unfortunately, there were no roads to follow, only logging trails, and eventually we found our way, after many days back on a highway. As food and water were low, the team had begun foraging for food in the woods. Wilmot shot a squirrel with his new 45 S&W pistol, and the team smoked it over the engine block and made squirrel jerky.

Somehow we made it to Saskatoon, Canada in time for the exhibition game with the Guatamalan Junior Hockey team. Everyone would be elated if they had been eating food. The team is very sorry they were unable to stop and visit with fans in the other cities that had been planned for the trip.

Tuesday

8 a.m. – After 12-hours at the Denny’s All-you-can-eat breakfast bar, the team was feeling better. Only one altercation occurred with the Denny’s wait-staff, when the waiter forgot to bring extra maple syrup for Sniper. Roode 1 snapped and pummeled the waiter, screaming ‘nobody forgets maple syrup for my friend!’ Coach Douchey apologized to management, and Dimock threw an extra $20 on the table to make-up for the broken nose.

9 a.m. – First skate for the team in over two weeks! A few players forgot their skates and rented white figure skating skates. Aside from the malnutrition and lack of exercise, the team looked good on the ice. Unfortunately there were no more pucks, so the team just pretended to pass and shoot – not unlike a real game.

12:30 p.m. – The Guatemalan team arrived at the rink. Come to find out they have never actually skated on ‘ice’ and had only recently been introduced to the sport of hockey in the past month. Taking no chances, Sherwood put on a Gun-Show exhibition in the lobby, trying to stir fear in the hearts of his opponents. The Guatemalan’s asked if he had only recently been introduced to ‘weights’.

2:00 p.m. – Boomer was thrown out of the rink for riding his motorcycle on the ice with spiked tires. One Guatemalan player was killed, and three others were injured.

5:30 p.m. – The team headed back to the bus and began burning incense for the coming exhibition game. Roode 2 wore the hide of the squirel killed in Oklahoma on his head. No on is quite sure why...

Tour Continues

2010-09-07T05:39:00.000-07:00

The Provo Liquor Penguins have officially begun their Angry Penguin Northern North American Tour, and are planning on making stops in six cities, including; Buffalo, Chicago, Des Moines, Rapid City, Miles City and Saskatoon Canada.

Senior Walpole Hockey Insider Magazine’s own Bud Rinkle, has been allowed the privilege of riding along with the Penguins and documenting the tour from the inside out. This is a never before seen insider view of a hockey team on the road, bringing you the sights and sounds along the way.
After many delays, the team finally arrives in Buffalo, New York.

Day(s) 4-7:
Update from Bud Rinkle – Although it was supposed to be an 8-hour drive, it took us six days to get to Buffalo, where we arrived Sunday night at midnight. Without internet connection, I was unable to update you until now. Here is a quick summary of the events that transpired:

We left Walpole, and made it only a five miles to Dedham where the bus broke down with engine trouble. We remained at the Amtrak station on Route 128 for five days. During this time, the players went ‘native’, and began forming ‘tribal units’ based on hockey jersey color. The ‘dark’ colored jerseys became the more violent tribe, who began attacking the ‘light’ colored jerseys who were more docile. A few of the ‘lights’ were injured, including Roode 2, who may have actually lost his kidney. The Lights finally formed an alliance with the ‘police’ in the station, and were for the most part left alone after that, and they went back to planting vegetables along the walkways of the terminal.

By day five, the players lost all sense of reality, and began lighting fires in the Amtrak station, and at one point even set a small dog on fire. I witnessed first-hand, Kenney offering-up a small child to the ‘Gods of Hockey’, in a very ritualistic sacrifice. At this point, there was blood and feces spread across the entire station, and disease was beginning to run rampant. If it weren’t for the bus finally being fixed, there would have been countless deaths. Luckily, the bus was fixed and everyone boarded the bus once again.

We arrived in Buffalo New York at midnight on Sunday night.

Monday –
No one actually booked a reservation, and ‘surprisingly’, no hotel could fit 17 players, plus me and the driver. We had a fitful sleep in the bus last night and woke-up to cheering fans in the parking lot, which was disconcerting considering most of us slept ‘commando’ style.

Unfortunately, some of the ‘fans’ turned out to be from the border patrol, who boarded the bus and took Bilbo into custody. Apparently he was being extradited back to Canada once again for bootlegging Celine Dion CD’s. Bilbo promised to catch-up to us once his ‘hoser of a lawyer got him off, heh!’.

At noon the entire team went to the HSBC Arena for an exhibition game against the Buffalo Mighty-Mights youth team, where the Penguins proceeded to hammer the 10-year-olds up and down the ice. Unfortunately they still lost 10-8.

After the game, the John Duggan, Mayor of Buffalo presented the team with a key to the city. Curchin spent the entire rest of the afternoon looking for the ‘giant door’ that the key would open. No one had the heart to tell him it was only a ceremonial gesture…besides it kept Curchin occupied for hours.

Everyone is excited about heading out to Chicago tomorrow. The team even called ahead to make a reservation for two rooms at the Motel 8. With only 8-9 people in a room, it should be a lot more comfortable than the bus.

North American Tour Has Rocky Start

2010-09-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

The Provo Liquor Penguins have officially begun their Angry Penguin Northern North American Tour, and are planning on making stops in six cities, including; Buffalo, Chicago, Des Moines, Rapid City, Miles City and Saskatoon Canada. The tour signifies the end of the Summer Season and marks the beginning of the upcoming Winter Season. The team is using this opportunity to celebrate the game of hockey with their fans all across America, and will play in an exhibition hockey game against the Guatemalan Junior ‘B’ side hockey team at the end of the tour in Saskatoon.

Senior Walpole Hockey Insider Magazine’s own Bud Rinkle, has been allowed the privilege of riding along with the Penguins and documenting the tour from the inside out. This is a never before seen insider view of a hockey team on the road, bringing you the sights and sounds along the way.

Day 1 –

8:00 a.m.

There was an excitement in the air at the parking lot of the Iorio Arena, when the freshly painted Penguin tour bus arrived in all its glory. The tour bus, on loan from Aerosmith, had gone through a series of alterations in order to customize it for the Provo Liquor Penguins, including the introduction of the Angry Penguin moniker painted on all sides, and pictures of each player carefully detailed around the bus. When the bus rolled into the lot, the fans began clamoring uncontrollably from behind the temporary chain-link fence that had been installed. The bus is set to take off at 10:00 a.m.

9:00 a.m.

The first of the Penguins players arrived, and were carefully escorted to the bus. A few players, including Youngblood, Hickey, Tragakis and Lutfy signed autographs and greeted the fans enthusiastically.

9:30 a.m.

The remaining players arrived, except for Roode 1. There are rumors swirling that Roode 1 had one more lawn to mow before his boss would let him go. If you thought he was angry in game 5 against the Scorpions last season you haven’t seen anything yet.

10:00 a.m.

Departure delayed still waiting for Roode 1.

11:00 a.m.

Roode 1 arrives and quickly greets fans. He punches-out one fan that got too close, but the fan took it all in stride and asked him to ‘sign his broken jaw’. These fans are great!

11:30 a.m.

The tour is still delayed. Apparently the players could not find the child-booster seat for Hickey. Luckily a fan decided to make her child walk the twenty miles home, and let the team use her child seat. Hickey was quickly strapped in and ready to roll with his Etch-a-Sketch in-hand.

12:00 p.m.

Tour bus once again delayed. The scorekeeper who had offered to drive did not show-up. Apparently he was the same guy that did not show-up for the three games during the season. Luckily, the referee that looks like the magician from Frosty the Snowman arrived and will drive the bus. As he hates the team, he climbed on board and warned the entire bus to ‘leave him the [expletive] alone’. There is some animosity on the bus, and Kenney began arguing with him over his planned route.

12:30 p.m.

Dimock left the bus. Apparently he has his own bus picking him up, which arrived moments ago. This bus is outfitted with pictures of Dimock all across the bus. Apparently, his bus will follow the tour bus, but he plans on dining with the team from ‘time to time’.

1:00 p.m.

Wilmot called in for a Walpole police escort. It was a lot of fun watching a few fans run from the cops, only to realize it was a police escort. Even Mearn ran to the bathroom and flushed something down the toilet. He was disappointed when he realized the police were there as an escort too!

2:00 p.m.

Finally! After a four hour delay, the tour has officially kicked off. A few fans threw rocks and bottles at the bus, and were quickly arrested. Appears they were from The Herd hockey team. With fans screaming, players drinking, the tour is finally under-way. Buffalo here we come!

More from Bud Rinkle in tomorrow's blog

A 'Perfect Storm' On Ice

2010-08-31T07:54:00.000-07:00

Foxboro, MA – It took a younger team to do it, but the teenage kids from the Icemen took the Penguins down in dramatic fashion last night at the Foxboro Sports Center. The Penguins put on a display of both hockey prowess, and cage-match style fighting. The debacle all began with a series of unfortunate events.

With over an hour delay to the start of the game, a few Penguins players were on their way to the 24-hour Foxboro Library, looking for books on hockey strategy. On their way, it appears that the driver got lost, and they accidently ended up at the Piccadilly Tavern. Additionally, with the average age of the Icemen hovering at 15-years-old, there was an excess of teenage hormones on the ice. A few Icemen players were also having adverse reactions to the heavy dose of prescription acne medicine that their doctor had prescribed.

In short, it quickly became a 'Perfect Storm' on Ice. All forces came together for one night, during one game, and led to a display never seen before by an empty arena. With no one around to see it, the fights broke out often, and left one Penguins player with a bloody lip, and an Iceman player with a broken nose. The blood was spilled freely, and feelings were hurt.

“I’m just happy we got out of there alive,” admitted one Icemen’s player. “When my mom pulled up in her car to pick me up, I ran out as fast as I could with my hockey-bag and jumped in the car. I don’t think she was suspicious, but she did smell my breath for alcohol, which cracks me up because I was completely stoned on the Whip-its, we were doing in the locker-room!”

With the Penguins season resting on the outcome of the game, the team put in a solid effort. But it was not enough to overcome little Jimmy from the Icemen, who scored 6 goals by himself. Jimmy is also the star forward for the Walpole Warriors High School hockey team, and an avid I-Carly fan.

“I’m not sure what happened,” admitted Sniper after the game. “One minute I was knee-deep in head bashing, and the next thing you know I’m on the outside looking in. I just wish there weren’t so much violence. I’m a lover not a fighter! To be honest, it was also tough to find my way out of the rink. There are a lot of doors!”

One incident did arise in the Penguins locker-room, when Curchin lashed out at the team for going after his peers. According to statements taken after the game, Curchin felt ‘closer in age’ to the Icemen, and that it was hard ‘skating with grown-ups and not friends’ during games. The team apparently took it all in good spirit however, and just gave him an Atomic Wedgie. According to his doctor, there should be no long term affects from the wedgie, and he should be release from the hospital later today.

The loss marks the end of the season for the Provo Penguins, but it also marks the start of something new for the team, bringing a new brand of Mixed Martial Arts to the ice. The Penguins have nearly a month to polish off their new brand of hockey, before the upcoming Winter Season.

“I don’t really know what to say,” stated a weary Hombre Del Huevo. “We are Penguins. Our angry penguin will rise again from the ashes, and will soar like only a penguin can! I mean, I know penguins can’t fly and all that, but I think you know what I mean. We will be victorious, or we will kill a few people trying!!”

Penguins 'Northern' North America Tour Back On!

2010-08-25T14:15:00.000-07:00

WALPOLE (AP) - Where there is a will, there is a way. And no statement holds more truth than that for the Provo Penguins, especially after last week's disaster. After a horrific plane crash destroyed the team's tour bus, the Penguins North American tour had been effectively cancelled. However, as luck would have it, the Penguins find themselves with a new tour bus, and a modified Northern North American tour.

After hearing of the disaster, Rod Krueger, roadie for Aerosmith, talked to front-man Steven Tyler about the team's situation. Shortly after the conversation, Tyler agreed to allow the Provo Penguins to utilize one of the bands tour buses so they can continue their tour.

"These boys need to share the love across America," commented Tyler after a concert Tuesday night. "The least we can do is give them some wheels! I'm a huge Provo Penguins fan, and hope to meet up with those cats on the road."

The tour bus is being customized with the Angry Penguin logo, the moniker for the Provo Penguins. The bus is scheduled to be completed in the coming days, in order to coincide with the end of the Summer Season. The Penguins will then go on what they are calling the 'Angry Penguins Northern North America Tour'. The tour includes stops in:

- Buffalo, NY
- Chicago, IL
- Des Moines, IA
- Rapid City, SD
- Miles City, MT
- Saskatoon, Canada

The Penguins plan on playing an exhibition round of hockey at their final destination in Saskatoon, with the Guatemalan Junior Olympic Hockey team.

"We are excited to meet our fans, especially the ones that don't live close enough to see us play," stated Hombre Del Huevo, Penguins Captain. "We appreciate everyone’s support, and now it is time for us to give a little back to the community. For me it is all about taking care of our fans, and taking our brand of hockey to America is the first step."

Penguins Now In Must Win Situation

2010-08-24T06:40:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – If the Provo Penguins played the Maple Leafs a hundred times, they would surely win at least fifty of those games. Last night the edge went to the Leafs. In a hard fought contest, the Leafs skated away with a 3-2 win, sending the Penguins home with a first round loss in the Summer Playoffs.

“As the Captain, I should say something motivational,” Chris Eighmy, Penguins Captain said after the game. “Unfortunately, I can’t think of anything! We suck! I’m sick of [expletive] losing! I hate [expletive] losing! Die! Die! You [expletive] scum-bags! Die!”

It was a scrappy game from the first face-off until the final buzzer at the end of the third-period. The Leafs took the lead in the first-period with a goal from Dolan, who would end the night with all three Maple Leaf goals. John Lutfy, a veteran on the Old Man Line (OML), scored the Penguins first goal, scrapping in front of the net and cramming in the loose puck, off of a Youngblood assist to get the Penguins on the board.

With Dolan playing hot for the Leafs, the Penguins had to come from behind again in the 2nd to tie the game, with a laser-shot just off the blue-line from Youngblood. The puck nearly took the net off the goal, and left heat blisters on the Leafs goalie’s arm. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. Dolan managed another goal in the third-period, and the Penguins were unable to convert multiple opportunities in order to tie the game.

With a double-elimination playoff format, the Penguins have a must-win game next Monday night opponent to be announced.

“This is all we’ve got,” commented Tragakis during the post-game press-conference. “We played the biggest game of our lives, only to have our backs up against the wall even more, forcing an even bigger-biggest game of our lives! We look forward to the challenge. Whoever we play it will be huge! Let’s do this thing now!”

Some bad news came late in the night, when it was reported that Mick O’Meara (aka., Mearn) was taken to the hospital for abdominal pains. It was later determined that O’Meara suffered from Acute Intestinal Botulism (AIB).

“We ran a number of tests, and Mr. Mearn is suffering from AIB,” stated Dr. Stanley Ping from Mass General Hospital. “The little fella’ is being prepped for surgery as we speak, and his prognosis is not good. We will be replacing both his large and small intestines with pig bowels, and then we will conduct a triple lung-bypass. I expect to be operating on him for the next 48-hours, unless I get an earlier tee-time, but that will depend on the weather and if there are any cancellations. I have a call in now to the golf-pro, who is a friend of mine, so we’ll see. Oh yea…and we are hopeful Mr. Mearn will make a full-recovery.”

According to the Walpole Forensic Department, an empty can of Bud Lite, left behind in the Penguins locker-room may offer some evidence to what happened. The can of beer had a sell-by date of 2005.

“Who the [expletive] would give a guy a five-year-old beer?” questioned Lieutenant Dan McArthur, Walpole Police Department. “I’ll tell you who! A [expletive] terrorist, that’s who! Someone poisoned little Mearn and we will not rest until we find the culprit!”

It was noted after the game, that on the same night that a 5-year-old beer was found, that Curchin brought beer for the first time in his career in the NESHL. There have been no warrants for his arrest, but rumors are running rampant in the club-house and the league.

“Everyone is a suspect at this time,” continued McArthur. “But honestly, who has beer sitting around for five years? If it was Curchin, and I’m not saying it is, why didn’t he bring in beer in the past? I mean if a guy has five-year-old sitting around, why would he get chastised for not bringing in beer? Seriously, there is old beer lying around your house and you get yelled at for being cheap and not bringing in beer? It just doesn’t add up. Someone will hang for this or my name is not Daniel James McArthur!”

You can be sure that the investigation will be on-going throughout the playoffs.

All attention must now turn toward the second game of the playoffs. This is a must-win situation, and all bets are off!

A Pre-Game Message from Coach Douchey...

2010-08-23T06:48:00.001-07:00

Gentlemen –

As you know, tonight marks the first game of the playoffs. And although I have never met any of you in person, I feel a very strong connection to each and every one of you. Tonight you skate! I would say ‘we’, but as you know I live in Toronto and don’t want to miss a very, very cool re-run of the 1995 Stanley Cup Playoffs that airs at the same time as your game. Of course I could just TiVo it, but that is never quite as much fun as watching the re-run for the first time!

So, tonight YOU skate! Some of you will make it through the night, and I fear some of you will not. As you know this is the biggest game of your young, impressionable lives! If you fail all is lost! There is no recovery from failure! You must bow your loser-heads in shame and NEVER, I repeat NEVER play hockey again!

Of course as I just learned moments ago, it is a double-elimination playoff venue. So don’t go so far as to maim yourselves, unless of course you lose game two as well. We can talk about maiming after the second game if you do end-up losing that game as well.

In any case – ‘be the puck’. Be a frozen, hard puck! And destroy whoever it is you are playing tonight! Destroy them All! Kill them! Tear ‘em up! Let no opposing player come off the ice, without the aid of a paramedic and a stretcher! Put them all in body-bags!

With that said, have fun, and let me know how it goes!

Sincerely,
Coach Douchey

Penguins North American Tour Cancelled

2010-08-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

Plainville, Ma – From the individual accounts taken from local bystanders, what happened last night was no accident. After twelve-months of intensive work, the Provo Penguins team bus was in the final stages of completion when the accident happened. Last night at 11:45pm, a small Cessna plane crashed into the lone workshop in the middle of a deserted field in Plainville, where the team bus was undergoing the final prep-work before it was to be presented at the end of the season in the Penguins Bus Ceremony.

“We were practically done,” stated Jess Jacobs, Plainville Custom Paint Works owner and operator. “We had just put the logo on the top of the bus, and were cleaning up some of images of the players. We might have had one more day of work, and it was ready to go. I’m speechless at this point. I have never poured my heart and soul into a project more than I did the Provo Penguins bus.”

According to at least one source who witnessed the entire event, an individual appeared to parachute from the plane seconds before it crashed into the workshop. This source also noted an odd Walpole Maple Leafs Hockey logo on the airplane, which could indicate it was a planned attack from a rival hockey team.

“I can’t be sure,” mentioned the anonymous source early this morning. “But I swear it was a giant Maple Leafs logo on the plane. But I was pretty darn intoxicated at the time, so it could have just said ‘Cessna’…but spelled in the shape of a Maple Leaf…but what do I know?”

Local law enforcement made a statement immediately following the crash, indicating that ‘nothing could be saved from the wreckage’, and that the bus was a ‘complete, and utter loss to the town, the community and the entire Penguins fan-base’.

The Penguins team had planned a North American tour on the bus, to promote the upcoming Winter Season. The plan was for the team to travel across the lower 48 states, and through Canada, ending in Saskatchewan for the Winter Ice Wars Hockey Tournament, where the Penguins had planned to play an exhibition game against the Swedish Olympic Hockey Team. With the team bus now in pieces, the tour must be cancelled.

“I feel bad for the fans,” stated Chris Eighmy, team captain. “This was supposed to be a fantastic event, where we could meet and greet all our fans across the U.S. and Canada. The players are obviously upset, but we know the fans are feeling it the most. Some of these guys have never seen us play, like little Billy Finkle, from Des Moines, Iowa. That little fella’ has been waiting for this tour his whole life, and I will have to be the one to write him back and tell him his dreams are ruined.”

Many fans are visibly shaken by the cancellation of the tour, and are planning an all night, candle-light vigil in the Plainville field tonight, overlooking the bus wreckage. Just some of the posts on the team website show the colossal loss for the fans:

“Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…..” ~Nancy K. - 40, Boston , MA.

“No Lord, no! This can’t be happening to me! All I wanted was to see the Penguins players, and follow them on the tour! Noooooo!” ~ Buddy Rickle, 10, Dallas, TX.

“There is nothing to live for anymore….” ~ Stan Finkle, 3, San Diego, CA.

“Who are the Provo Penguins?” ~ Terry Malloy, 28, Charlotte, NC.

As the fans and players regroup, people can only focus on the future. The NESHL has established crisis management centers across the globe, and have over one-thousand counselors standing-by to take calls and work with the millions of fans that are in mourning.

“We just have to take it one step at a time,” commented Luke Callister, spokesman for the Provo Penguins. “The organization had put all its money into that bus, the Provo Penguins are not going anywhere for a long time, they are completely broke. We ask that all fans send donations to the Jimmy Fund and to Curchin’s mom, instead of sending money to the team. We appreciate everyone’s support during this difficult time.”

Playoffs Set for Monday Night

2010-08-20T08:54:00.001-07:00

Walpole, Ma – Only the Hockey Gods could have imagined a match-up between the Provo Liquor Penguins and the Maple Leafs next Monday night at 8:10pm, to start the playoffs. With nothing but animosity and bitterness running rampant between these two teams, what happens on the ice next week could turn ugly fast, and could leave the ice strewn with battered, bloodied bodies.

The feud between these two teams started long ago, and has become one of the most historic rivalries in sports history; ranking up there with the Red Sox and Yankees, the Canadiens and the Bruins, and the Celtics and the Lakers. In recent years the feud was taken to a new level last year, when Leafs Captain and NESHL President Tim Bowler intentionally changed the Penguins schedule at the last minute, leaving the Penguins scrambling to contact players in order to get to the rink in time for the game. Most recently, Bowler and the league began tampering with the referees and scorekeepers schedules, leaving the Penguins without officiating or a scorekeeper in any of the last three Penguins games.

“We are hockey players,” cited Lou Penzolli, the new Penguins attorney. “What Mr. Bowler did goes beyond what we would consider to be healthy competition. This son-of-a-jack-wagon has hurt the players, the player’s families, the fans and the league as a whole. I would do unspeakable things to this man and his family…I mean if I were not an attorney. Of course we should just handle this in the court of law, I’m just saying there are times that cement-shoes may not be such a bad thing either.”

To add to the intensity, it was recently reported that the Leafs have been lacing the Penguins locker-room shower-water with battery acid, and had planned a hockey Jihad geared at the Penguins players and family. It is clear that these rumors are unsubstantiated, and are a complete fabrication of the truth, but they are still interesting to note.

“I would not put anything past them,” admitted an anonymous source. “I bet that some of those Maple Leafs players are on the FBI most wanted list, just below Whitey Bulger. They are a nasty bunch, and they are ugly.”

Amid all these allegations, there is good news coming out of the Penguins camp. After three players from the team flew down to Hickey’s ranch in Virginia, Hickey was seen boarding a plane back to Boston. Hickey had been contemplating retirement, however, remained undecided until recently. It is expected that Hickey will join the team for practice this morning.

“Hickey may be young,” stated Hickeys agent, Don Peck. “My client is only fifteen years-old. We can debate whether that is too young to retire or not all day long. What my client wants is respect. Until now the Penguins organization has not given that to him. When he wanted blue M&M’s in the locker-room, they put in red. Was this an accident or a slight on my client? No matter, as his agent I will not stand for such nonsense. Besides he is allergic to the red dye in the red M&M’s.”

Another key component to the team, John Lutfy, is also scheduled to make his return Monday night. Lutfy was listed in critical condition after contracting gonorrhea from a Walpole Iorio Rink toilet.

“In some countries, granted third-world countries, they use urine as a sanitizer,” stated Iorio facilities manager, Chris Talmeth. “Of course we could clean the bathrooms once in a while, but that would increase operational costs, and remove vital bacteria growing in the urine and feces that is on the floors and walls. We think this just adds a little something to the overall hockey experience. What would hockey be without things like gonorrhea and gangrene? I’ll tell you what it would be, it would be boring!”

The game is scheduled for Monday at the Iorio arena at 8:10pm. You can be sure that the two fans that were in attendance last week, will be on the edge of their seats at game time. All eyes will be watching to see if the Penguins go ‘two and through’, or if they can make it deep into the playoffs. With Bowler leading the Leafs, all bets are off.

Playoff Bound Penguins All Business

2010-08-18T13:02:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – There is an electricity running through the entire city of Walpole, as Penguins hockey fans across the globe brace themselves for the upcoming playoffs. In the standings, the Penguins ended their regular season in seventh place, and captured their first legitimate playoff berth in over a year. With this honor, also comes the responsibility of living up to the hopes and dreams of Penguins Nation. In seasons past, the playoff season was short-lived for the mighty team, and the reaction on the streets has been anything but forgiving.

“[Expletive]!” barked one fan that stood outside the arena to purchase tickets. “I don’t know if my friggin’ ticker can take it much longer. I’ve been a fan since the days these guys were the Walpole Whalers, and I’m not sure how much more I can take. I buy all their [expletive]. Jerseys, stickers, t-shirts. You name it and I have it. I even have a tattoo that says ‘Penguins Rule!’ on my junk. It is pretty awesome! But if they don’t go deep into the playoffs, I will have the tattoo removed with steel-wool…I mean it!”

The Penguins organization has been nothing but business after officially making the playoffs, and the players have been busy with their 10-a-day workouts. But amid this business veneer, lies some deep secrets that could lead to issues both on and off the ice for the team.

In Canadian Hockey Weekly magazine, it was recently reported that veteran forward Bilbo Raposo has been extradited back to Canada on the alleged grounds of espionage. According to one source, Bilbo had been spying for Canada and had planned to steal the recipe for American Bacon and bring it back to his homeland.

“Canadian bacon is more like ham than bacon,” commented Dickie Wood, owner and proprietor of the Woody Bacon Company. “I mean it is pretty bad, but who the hell steals a bacon recipe? You can just google that [expletive]! Is he Canadian or just retarded?”

As if this were not enough of a distraction for this playoff bound team, it was also rumored that Lutfy, who did not play in the last game, has been diagnosed with Ellsbury-itis. A rare and often season ending disease which can affect the desire to play sports, as well as the ability to stand while urinating.

“My toe is killing me,” cried Lutfy, during a recent phone interview from his hospital bed. “Leave me alone damn it! Can’t you just give me a [expletive] break already?”

Additionally, rumors are swirling that indicate that young Hickey, who has missed the last two games, and has refused to communicate with anyone on the team, was arrested at the Lowes Cinema in Bellingham. According to a ticket attendant, Hickey tried to use a fake I.D. in order to get into an ‘R’ rated movie.

“This is hog-wash,” responded Bud Munch, Hickey’s attorney. “My client did not, nor never has used a fake I.D. to get into any movie. Mr. Hickey knows that you have to be 17 to get into an ‘R’ rated movie, besides, his mom would kill him if she found out. We believe that my client was going to see ‘Furry Vengeance’ and that he was setup by the ticket attendant who is just trying to scam money.”

Whether these rumors remain unsubstantiated or not remains to be seen. In the short-term, the Penguins only have five days to get ready for their first playoff game. With such a short window of opportunity, the team must stay focused, a task that will be difficult for sure in the coming days.

Whack-Down in Walpole

2010-08-12T14:57:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – Some may have forgotten. Others may have tried to erase it from their memories. But not the Provo Penguins. Not this game. Next Monday marks the first time that the Penguins will play the Happy Hour hockey team since the night that the Happy Hour team stacked their roster with everything including NHL players. In the match-up in June, Happy Hour recruited 10-12 ‘A’ level players to fill their bench. At least three of those players had played in the NHL, and of those three, one was still in the NHL.

“I can’t tell you how the team feels,” admitted Penguins Assistant Coach Jeff Ramich. “Hell, until Coach Douchey walked into my office twenty minutes ago, I didn’t even know we were coaching a team in Massachusetts. I have never met this team personally. Along with Douchey, I have been coaching the Toronto Ice Tigers for the past five years. As you can imagine, it comes as a surprise to me that there is actually a Penguins team…and that somehow I’m their assistant coach. I’m angry. Mostly I’m angry at Coach Douchey for not taking this interview and instead throwing this [expletive] over the fence to me. Go [expletive]-yourself and get that [expletive] camera out of my face! Where the [expletive] is Douchey?!”

With less than a week to prepare for the match-up, the Penguins are taking nothing for granted. They have begun a steady diet of Ten-a-Day work-outs, which include preparation for the mind and body. The training is brutal and it is unique. Practice starts with a 26.2 mile marathon run, followed by hill sprints. The following session includes jogging with huge tree-trunks on their backs through the streets of Walpole, while each player is chained to his own school bus. This is all carried out before breakfast.

The afternoon session takes it up several notches. The Penguins rink management team has built a sheet of ice, the size of a rink, which hangs at a 70 degree angle. The players must skate up and back over 100 times, with an open parachute tied to their backs.

“We must prevail,” commented veteran Penguins forward John Lutfy. “We can’t worry about the other team cheating. We can only worry about ourselves. At this point, I’m really worried. I’m serious. I can’t feel my legs at this point, and everything is starting to go dark. I don’t think I will be in the hospital that long, just to get some electrolytes pumped into my ass, and then I’ll be back out for the evening practice. We must win!”

The League itself has been very quiet on the allegations against Happy Hour, and has refused to instate any investigation or any punishment against the team. There are wide-spread rumors in the Penguins locker room, that Chucky Bowler, the captain of the Happy Hour team, is also the illegitimate son of league president Tim Bowler.

“We cannot confirm nor deny any allegations at this time,” cited Happy Hour attorney, Jed Bowler. “What I can say is that there is no validity to anything they are saying. You can ask my other brother Lou Bowler, or my Uncle Jerry Bowler. Whatever the Penguins are saying is untrue. And a DNA test is uncalled for! What will that prove? Since when did DNA become used for determining if someone was related? I say [expletive]! This is another example of the man trying to keep little Chucky Bowler down! This is racist! They hate hockey players!”

Brace yourself for the Whack-down in Walpole next Monday night. While the Penguins plan to show-up with at least 8 players and a goalie, the Happy Hour team has already reached out to the Providence Bruins and the Boston Bruins looking for a little insurance. Wear a helmet! Keep the women and children home! This will prove to be the greatest game of the Penguins lives!

A Game To Remember

2010-08-10T06:13:00.000-07:00

Walpole, Ma – There was no controversy. There was no conspiracy. In fact, the game between the Provo Liquor Penguins and Analog could only be described as uneventful. Two teams played hockey, and one team won. Whether the Penguins, or Analog won, is not important. What is important is that each team walked away with a sense of accomplishment.

“Who really cares who won?” questioned veteran forward, and winner of the Beijing Crying Monkey Award for ‘Best Pipes’, Tommy ‘Guns’ Sherwood. “In the end the only thing that matters is that I put on a solid gun-show for the boys both before, and after the game. I like to get the team motivated, and nothing motivates them more than seeing the Tommy Guns!”

With images of the ‘guns’, fresh in their minds the mighty Penguins took the ice and never looked back. Youngblood started off the Penguins onslaught with a goal in the second period, leaving all to wonder what was next. And the wonder continued for the entire game.

“I can’t do it alone,” chided Dimock from his home. “I obviously cannot take this team to the promised land by myself, especially when I’m not actually playing in any of the games. It should go without saying that it is going to take more than me saying it, to get this team into the playoffs! It is bull-[expletive], but it is a fact!”

Surprising both player and fan, both Wilmot and Tragakis wore matching hockey pants from the Reebok Fall Collection. Wilmot also had on new gloves, which seemed to give him an extra bounce on the ice.

“They looked like models-on-ice,” admired one Penguins fan. “I can’t tell you who won or lost and who really cares? I was blown-away by how great they looked! I can’t wait to see them wearing something from the Winter Collection! I only hope that Tommy Guns flashes the ‘pipes’ when he skates by the stands!”

Amid the action on the ice, there were two moments that caused panic and despair in the arena. Both of them involved a young Ryan Curchin, who had just returned from summer camp. In the third period, Curchin shattered his new $10 dollar blade, causing a rumble in the stands.

“Are you [expletive] kidding me?” exploded one angry fan. “I paid more money on pop-corn than that dork paid on his blade! I mean seriously, you get what you pay for! Buy a real blade you [expletive] jack-wagon! We are out here spending our hard earned money in order to watch the game, and that [expletive] is trying to cut-corners by buying an already been cracked blade! [Expletive] him!”

The second incident was even more egregious. At the end of the game, while sitting in the locker-room, Curchin stated that he ‘does not drink beer, and therefore that is why he does not buy beer’. This statement caused shock and dismay among the team, and Captain Chris Eighmy (aka, Hombre Del Huevo), had this to say during the post-game press conference;

“I have never wanted to kill that slimy, mother-[expletive] more than I do right now,” admitted Eighmy after the game. “I have seen him drink 2-3 beers per game for the last 50 games…now I’m not good at math, but that is easily over a thousand beers! I will rip off his head and [expletive]-down his throat if he ever [expletive] makes that kind of [expletive] statement [expletive], [expletive], [expletive], [expletive], [expletive], [expletive], [expletive], [expletive] again! Buy beer you cheap [expletive]!!”

Next week will mark the final game of the season as the Penguins take on Happy Hour. As the Penguins sit fourth from the bottom or 7th from the top if you are a cups-half-full kind of guy, this next game will be the biggest game of their lives!

Penguins Win Streak Ends With Controversy

2010-08-03T08:48:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – The NESHL debacle continued last night at Iorio Arena, during last night’s bout between the Provo Liquor Penguins and The Herd. There was no love-lost in the match-up between the two teams, who have had a tumultuous past, full of animosity, hatred and utter disgust.

“It is only a matter of time before this thing escalates to the point-of-no-return,” commented NESHL insider, Bud Meister. “A game between these two teams is the equivalent of a cage-match on ice. My concern is that this will move from conventional warfare to nuclear weapons, and someone is going to get hurt. Why can’t we all just get along?”

The fun began when no scorekeeper was available for the game, leaving Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dumber to keep the game stats on a napkin in the back-pocket. For a good portion of the game, the score was incorrect on the scoreboard, and a penalty on The Herd was accidently reduced to 20-seconds due to the missing scorekeeper.

“I don’t know if it is really a big deal,” commented Tweedle-Dum after the game. “So what if the score was 3-2 and the Penguins could have had a power-play. I don’t think a situation like that could really affect the outcome of a game.”

The Penguins however disagree, and the Penguins front-office is looking into a potential lawsuit against the league.

“I cannot comment on a lawsuit at this time,” commented Nick Pantos, Penguins attorney. “What I can say is that I would not rule out the fact that we won’t be filing a lawsuit. I hope that is clear. It is not our indication to definitely not file a lawsuit. I have no further comment at this, time…except what the [expletive]! I mean seriously, I have no comment but what a [expletive] joke!”

The silver lining is that the OML (Old Man Line) of Tragakis, Sherwood and Lutfy combined for four-points. The scoring was started on a goal by Lutfy in the first period, with an assist by both Tragakis and Sherwood. Another goal came in the third period, although we don’t know who scored it because there was no scorekeeper, but we do know that Tragakis got the assist.

Penalties were awarded to Tragakis for an egregious high-sticking call, and Roode 2 got 2 minutes for fighting. There may have been more, but there is no stat sheet….

“There are only two games left?” asked Dimock the veteran Penguins forward. “Wow, and to think I have not attended one game this year! I may have to make one of these last two games. We’ll see…I don’t want to over-commit to the Summer Season.”

Cheaters Never Win, But They Sure Can Tie

2010-07-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – It is hard not to think of the movie ‘300’, when you think about last week’s game between the Provo Liquor Penguins and the Iceholes. The Penguins came out with all cylinders pumping, and never looked back. But aside from the fact that they won the game with a score of 5-4, the Penguins were left to fight it out by themselves, outnumbered by ineptitude and lying.

The Penguins took the lead in the 3rd period with a goal by none other than Youngblood himself, who once again proved that he can hang with the Young-Guns of Hickey and Sniper. But the scorekeeper, playing the part of Bobby Brown, vanished from the ice for a ten-minute crack-break. With the goal not being recorded, the referees continued to bumble around the ice, refusing to fix the situation when the scorekeeper returned from getting his fix.

“I’m not a strong scorekeeper,” admitted Gordon Mucus, the stoned scorekeeper, after the game. “In fact I have never done it before. It seems easy, but the referees are yelling numbers and stuff at you all night long and it really frayed my nerves. So I had to take a break. Besides, I got bored and wanted to take a hit off the ‘ole pipe. I hope I didn’t miss anything!”

The OML, led by Sherwood and Lutfy, began attacking Mucus as he tried to leave the ice, only to find out the hard way, that there is no reasoning with an 18-year-old who is laced with narcotics.

“I nearly lost my [expletive],” stated an angry Lutfy. “When I saw Hickey weeping in the corner, I knew I had gone too far. The young guys get upset when we lose our cool. They are not used to us parents losing it. I later apologized, and bought him an ice-cream sundae, so I think we are cool now.”

Throwing gasoline onto the fire, in an attempt to straighten out the fiasco, the league asked the Iceholes captain if they had actually lost the game. With all respect, dignity and decency on the line, the Icehole captain reported that he had ‘no idea what the Penguins were talking about, the game ended in a tie’.

“It is a philosophical question really,” responded Tim Bowler, the grand-Poo-Bah of the NESHL. “Much like the age-old question ‘If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is around, does it make a noise?’ We have to ask ourselves, ‘If a player scores a goal, and no one is around to record it, is it really a goal? In this case, the answer is clearly ‘no’.”

With luck these two teams will meet up again in the playoffs. You can be sure that the Penguins will be ‘foiling up’ before taking the ice, because this time, it is personal.

Penguins Rake The Leafs

2010-07-20T07:01:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – Despite 8-minutes of penalties, the Provo Liquor Penguins managed to defeat the Maple Leafs in dramatic fashion last night at the Iorio Arena. With a sell-out crowd in attendance, the Penguins won their third game in-a-row, with a score of 3-2.

“This is what we play for,” commented Lutfy, who was unable to attend the game, and was in the middle of a diaper change at his home in Norfolk. “We have rallied all season long, and all year long. It does not surprise me that we won. I nearly tossed a poopy-diaper in the air when I got the news. I am very happy for the team, and only hope I can get back on the ice next week.”

Although the Maple Leafs took an early 1-0 lead in the first-period, the original Old Man himself, Tom Sherwood humped a puck into the net in the second period to tie the score. With Sniper behind the net with the puck, Sherwood stood tall in front of the net, and he took Sniper’s elevated pass in the genitals which he somehow managed to put into the net.

“It may seem like a coincidence,” admitted Sherwood. “But I actually practice that move all the time without wearing a cup. When I saw the puck heading toward my junk, I quickly turned toward the net and gave the puck a quick dry-hump and sent it into the right corner of the net. I have to admit there is much less pain with the cup on.”

The Leafs again took the lead in the second period, only to have the game tied-up once again in the 3rd, on a blast from Brandin ‘Six Goals’ Andrews. Playing the role of a pinball, Sniper stood his ground in front of the net and managed to hack, slash and club anything that looked like a puck in front of the net. It paid-off when he connected with the puck and poked the puck into the net. Although there is absolutely no evidence to support this, the assist was awarded to Tragakis, who may have been on the bench at the time.

“Last week I had six-goals,” stated an exasperated Andrews. “This week I only had one goal. It is a bit frustrating to say the least. The good news is that I heard they are sending up a personal assistant to help carry my hockey bag and wash my jock. I think his name is Pickey or Hickey or something like that. Anyway, it will be nice to have a little extra help with the equipment.”

After his six-goal game last week, Andrews was asked ‘Now that you scored six goals, what are you going to do?” To which the young star replied “I’m going to buy a Vespa!” Recently, Sniper was seen cruising the streets of Foxboro on a yellow and pink Vespa with a pretty basket in the front.

“We want to reward remarkable performance,” cited Dick Long, Vespa CEO. “We were happy to give Mr. Andrews his brandnew Vespa. Now he will get great gas mileage, and be able to go to speeds upwards of 30-mile an hour.”

With the game knotted at 2-2, Mike “Pukey” Mearn blew-chunks all over the bathroom as well as the Leafs goalie, when he scored the game winning goal late in the 3rd period. This is Mearn’s 17th career game winning goal, which ties a team record that was previously held by Mookie Croakley, who recently died in a tragic blimp accident last year.

Mearn was unavailable for comment as he had his head stuffed halfway down the barrel in the locker-room.

With the win, the Penguins bring their record to 4-5-2, and are now on a three game win streak. Unfortunately, the win was met with some bad news, as it was determined that veteran forward Matt Dimock, who has not attended a game this season, is suffering from a yeast-infection.

“I’m having a not-so-fresh moment,” said Dimock during a phone conversation. “I hope to be back soon, although I’m running out of ideas on how to clear-up the rash and the yeast-infection. Seriously, if anyone has any ideas please let me know!”

Old Dogs All Bark and No Bite

2010-07-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

Walpole, Ma – The Provo Liquor Penguins tamed the Old Dogs in dramatic fashion Wednesday night, with a 6-2 win. This win marks only the second win for the Provo Penguins, and gives them a 2-5-2 record on the Summer Season.

“Those guys are old, real old,” stated veteran Old Dogs forward Rick Speagle, referring to the Penguins notorious Old Man Line (OML). “Don’t get me wrong, our entire team is a lot closer to eating soft foods and wearing Depends ™ on and off the ice, but those guys are older than the players we normally see on the ice. It was nice to feel like we were only one generation older than the other team…even if it was just the OML line.”

The Penguins began the scoring early, starting the night off with a goal from Tragakis early in the first period. Tragakis took a miraculous pass across the crease from Youngblood and managed to lift the puck into the top left corner, giving the Penguins a 1-0 lead in the first shift for the OML. Guertin and Wilmot also provided scoring in the first, each providing a goal and an assist on the night.

“I think Wilmot was playing on a different level than the rest of us,” commented Hombre Del Huevo. “Apparently some female inmate from Cedar Junction turned him down on an in-cell date…I guess that doesn’t happen much when a man is carrying a gun and handcuffs into a woman’s prison cell. In any case, I think he was a bit upset, but it really helped with his game.”

Roode 1, fresh-off of a 3-week suspension, stood on his head throughout the entire tilt, providing a dazzling display of skill in the net, and limiting the Old Dogs to only two goals on the night.

“It was great to be back,” added Roode 1 from the toilet. “Dude, I totally apologize for being locked-up in the Iorio bathroom, but I’ve been working in 105 degree weather for the past few days and I’m completely backed-up. Not to mention that I stole my brother’s beer and he is looking for me! Shhh…I think I hear him!”

The scoring continued in the 2nd period, with two goals from Youngblood, who blasted the puck past the goalie from over 20 feet out. Sherwood fed him the puck on his second goal, which hit his stick in stride and gave Youngblood the opening he needed to score again.

“That’s just how I roll,” Sherwood remarked. “I want the guys to call me Killer from now on. So far there are only two or three cool nicknames on the team, and I want one too! We’ll take a vote next week, it will either be Killer or Mongo or Puff-Grand-Daddy.”

The Penguins were limited to only one goal in the 3rd period, however the final goal broke the back of the Old Dogs, who were left whimpering on the ice. Sniper went coast-to-coast and knocked the goalie to his knees with a blast that nearly tore the net from the goal posts.

“I don’t know what kind of pompous, bullshit power play they were trying to pull out there,” Sniper chimed in after the game. “But Iorio is my territory! So whatever they were thinking; they better think again! Otherwise, I will continue to rain down upon them in a Godly [expletive] fire storm! They are going to have to call the [expletive] United Nation to get a [expletive] binding resolution to keep me from [expletive] destroying them! I Am Talking Scorched Earth Mother [Expletive]! I will Massacre Them! I WILL [EXPLETIVE] Them UP!”

Sniper’s anger landed him a three game suspension a few weeks ago, so for the sake of all Penguins fans, let’s hope the Hockey Anger Management course along with the work-release program he is currently on, helps to keep him in check the next time on the ice.

Penguins Players to Re-Join Team

2010-07-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – The struggling Penguins get a much needed boost tomorrow night, when two players wrongfully suspended for excessive violence, return to the ice Wednesday night. After a harrowing three game suspension, where the Penguins continued their bizarre transformation into the Bad News Bears with an 0-2-1 record, Sniper and Roode 1 will join the team as they face-off against the Old Dogs.

“This is a big week for us,” stated veteran Penguins Captain, Hombre Del Huevo. “Those goofy bastards are just about the best thing we’ve got going in this…crazy world. I mean, I’m not looking for a win out of the gate, but a nice tie or a close loss would be very cool!”

With news of the return, comes news that may negate the effect either of these key players might have on the outcome of the game. Due to HVAC issues in the Iorio building, there is no longer any ice in the rink. Unfortunately league rules do not allow the game to be postponed, or rescheduled at another venue.

“It is unfortunate,” commented Mike Hurley, attorney for the NESHL. “But the games must go on. It is a league rule that would require both teams to play the game in full pads and no skates, so that they don’t ruin the rink surface. Players would run around in socks and use a Nerf puck. This happened once before in ’75, and the Walpole Warthogs beat the Foxboro Maggots 15-1. It was an incredible game when you consider there was no ice.”

The news does not sit well with some players.

“I don’t have any clean socks,” replied Curchin from his home. “If we are going to play in socks, I want to look good. I use my socks for…ummm…other things. Let’s just say they are a little stiff right now. Maybe my mom will do laundry before the game.”

The only question that remains, is whether the Flyers, Whalers, Penguins sanctions have worked out their differences in order to play like a real team.

“I am a total team player!” shouted an angry Matt Dimock. “When I hear about cliques, or inner groups fighting against each other it makes me sick! If this keeps up I might just show up and play a game damn it!”

Penguins Troubles Continue

2010-06-29T06:15:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – Even with the ground-breaking news that the Provo Penguins franchise would remain with their sponsor Provo Liquors (a supplier of fine wines and spirits), the Penguins were unable to overcome the Dead Rabbits in last night’s tilt. With a final score of 7-5, the Penguins continued their frustrating ways and came up short once again. The only good news to come out of last night’s game, is that Roode 1, the star goalie, and Sniper, their offensive juggernaut would be returning from their three-game suspension next week.

“We pulled in Prodanas in the last minute to play goal last night,” commented Penguins coach Douchey, referring to Sean Prodanas who played in net for the suspended Penguins goalie. “He played outstanding for us, but we still came up short. Unfortunately, Prodanas was only used to stopping 60-80 shots a game, and lately for us that can happen in the first period.“

Although the game remained scoreless into the 2nd period, things opened up quickly with goals from Cronin, Youngblood and Wilmot.

“I actually had my eyes closed,” admitted Wilmot after his second goal of the season. “I find if I close my eyes and just imagine some good old fashioned police brutality, it really helps to settle my nerves and puts me into a happy place. The best thing is that I had been using the wrong end of my stick for most of the night, but managed to figure it out just before the puck hit me and went into the net.”

Tragakis and Curchin provided the potency for the 2nd period onslaught by getting the puck in position for these goals, with both getting assists on the night.

“I’m all about sharing the puck,” said Curchin. “I learned long ago, that it is not a matter of who actually scores the goal, but who can look really pretty in a tight, pink leotard…I mean who can actually keep the ego in-check and help others score. I’m all about that. I don’t know why I said ‘pink leotard’ that is just weird…”

In the 3rd period, it was once again all about Youngblood who managed to dazzle the fans with two hard-hitting goals. Unfortunately it was still not enough to put the Penguins in a position to win.

“It’s all about me,” cited Youngblood from the podium during his post-game interview. “I mean it really is. I’m the best. I know I’m the best, the team knows I’m the best, and the fans obviously know I’m the best. Hell, I think I may be better than the best!”

The game was not without controversy however. Late in the 3rd period, the offensive line decided that Tragakis would go in when the goalie was pulled, and apparently the defensive line decided that Roode 2 would go in. Unfortunately, with the vast distance between the two groups on the bench, no communication was conducted and the Penguins were called for a too-many-men penalty.

“This is a big day for me,” commented Tragakis, who was cited for the penalty. “I have been studying every facet of how NHL players succeed in the game, and lately I have been concentrating on Marc Savard. He is a fantastic player. The things he did in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference semifinal series were amazing. This penalty just helps to reassure me that I am doing everything exactly like Marc Savard! I think it is a big win for everyone!”

Penguins Poised For Playoffs

2010-06-15T05:43:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – The Penguins record speaks for itself. No one can doubt that the Provo Liquor Penguins are living up to the hype, after last night’s match-up with the Happy Hour Hockey Team.

“We play with the actual players on our roster. We don’t use steroids. We don’t payoff officials, and we don’t sell ourselves for sexual favors,” commented Richard Weed, Penguins new attorney. “That is not to imply that there is anything wrong with how the Happy Hour team conducts itself, but it is what it is. We are not cheaters, we don’t beat our wives or girlfriends, and we surely don’t skate with minor-league hockey players. Again, we are not accusing Happy Hour of doing any of these things. I just want it known that if there is an investigation into illegal drug-trafficking; there is no need to investigate our team and that it would be a better use of time to look at other teams we have played in the very, very recent past.”

The Penguins took their 1-3-1 record onto the road last night, and managed to play to their ability. Throwing all caution to the wind, the Penguins put newcomer Mike ‘Don’t Call Me the Monster’ Lewis, who stepped into the net for the first time in his career.

“I’ve never actually played goalie before,” admitted Lewis, who was wearing a ‘Monster Mike’ t-shirt after the game. “I mean, I played goalie for the Penguins once before, but up until that point, I had never been in net…hell, I’d never been on ice. But when Tragakis called me, it sounded like fun, so I figured I’d give it a whirl! I might even wear skates next time!”

Stopping over 1000 shots, Lewis proved to be an excellent replacement for Roode 1, who was recovering from PTSS or Post Traumatic Suspension Syndrome. Both Roode 1 and Sniper had been given a 3 and 5 game suspension for fighting, and were last seen weeping together in the back seat of a car. Although Lewis stopped over 1000 shots, he let in 5 goals and the Penguins could not answer with their offense.

“I can’t do everything,” Todd Cronin stated, after the game. This was the first game of the Summer Season that Cronin was able to make with his busy schedule. “Youngblood has lost the edge, and I mean really, really lost it, and unfortunately I cannot do everything. Where is Hickey? Where is Sniper? I’m out there skating on Mearn’s Mom’s figure skates, and wearing her panties, and I can’t be expected to fly-in from San Diego and just win the game for these jack-asses. I’m not paying for last season if these guy’s keep this up! If you want to know how I really feel, please visit my website at shitshow.com!”

Cronin’s comments were harsh, but the team took them in stride.

“Who the [expletive] is Todd Cronin?” questioned Wilmot, who accidently locked himself in the back of his police car after the game. “I’m the schiznit now mother-[expletive]! I am only days away from being able to skate backwards, so no one walks into my house and starts blasting my team and my game! I didn’t run out to the screen-printers and put a ‘C’ on my jersey for nothing! [Expletive] Cronin! If you want to know how I really feel, please visit my website at schiznitshow.com!”

With the playoffs around the corner, the Penguins may not appear to be in a great position to make a run for the NESHL Cup, but don’t let their 1-4-1 record fool you.

“Why does everyone have to look at a team’s record to figure out how good they are?” asked Sherwood. “What is a record? It is just an arbitrary measurement of how one team compares to other teams in their league. Who really cares? Why can’t we all just get along? It seems like players are out there trying to score more goals, get more assists and win games. Let’s just take a step back and remember life is a journey, and hockey is about love and peace, not scoring and winning. If you want to know how I really feel, please visit my website at poopshow.com!”

Hockey Game Ends In Violence

2010-06-08T08:18:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – Bad blood quickly turned to spilled blood Monday night, during the match-up between the Provo Penguins and their vaunted enemy Analog. The game turned violent in the second period, when Analog’s Cusack was ejected from the game for ‘malicious spearing’ and harassment of the referees. Cusack was furious with the call, and showed his anger as he swore at the referees and left the rink door open upon his departure. It was a childish but effective way of showing his disregard for the game and the call made by the officials.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” admitted Mearniac after the game. “Those guys did not come to play hockey, they came to rumble. It is what it is, but we are a hockey team first, not a goon squad.”

This temper-tantrum set the stage for the events that transpired next. With the scoring getting out of hand, Analog took a substantial 4-1 lead in the 3rd period, and was poised to take the win. However, Analog’s Hall turned a breakaway by Penguin’s forward Sean Hickey into guerilla warfare. After losing his stick trying to catch Hickey, Hall dove into the Penguins player wrestling him violently to the ground. Purely in self-defense, Hickey turned to hold-off his attacker, only to be pelted with blows from the Analog pugilist.

With his life on the line, Hickey held his opponent to the ice, all the while trying to calm him and get him to understand it was ‘just a hockey game’. But Hall would have none of it, and Hickey had to resort to violence in order to protect himself, and ended up showing his attacker who his daddy was.

When things calmed down enough, the referees stepped-in, and began pulling the players apart. This is when Hall made a fateful, miscalculated move by taking a very, very late swing at Hickey, hitting him in the back of the head as he was clearly defenseless. Yet the referees did nothing. With the inaction of the referees, Todd Cronin, who was in goal for the first time, made a mad scramble across the ice. Cronin gave a mighty roar, and pushed Hickey’s attacker to the ground, a move that may have saved Hickey’s life.

“We are here to play hockey,” responded Chris Eighmy. “But if another team chooses to use violence, and scare tactics we will fight back. We would prefer these matters to be resolved by the referees. Unfortunately that did not happen.”

Following the game, referees issued suspension notices. Analog’s Hall got a five-game suspension, and the Penguins players Hickey and Cronin (wearing different numbers during the game) were each given suspensions.

“We will fight this suspension,” claimed Dustin Rhodes, Penguins attorney. “Our players were clearly victims in a gruesome, violent attack by Analog. They were acting purely in self-defense, and somehow the blind-eye of the officiating just threw both attacker and victim into the same bucket. It is wrong, and it is a sham. We will not rest until Hickey and Cronin’s names have been cleared! We were hit by terrorist tonight, but we will not be scared. We are Americans! We fight for freedom! We do not run and hide from terrorist hockey players!”

Youngblood Injured...Again

2010-06-07T06:52:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – An injury is never a good thing for a hockey team, but the timing of the injury to Jon “Youngblood” Tenaglia, star-defenseman for the Provo Penguins, could not be worse. Last week, Youngblood took a 100 m.p.h. slap-shot to the face, completely shattering his jaw and nose. The injury came in the 2nd period of a game, where Youngblood was playing for his ‘real’ team.

“Youngblood is in the hospital right now,” stated his agent, Buster Klondike. “There is no need to be discussing who is right and who is wrong, and whether or not my client plays for two, three or four other teams. What is important is that Youngblood heals quickly, so he can help the Walpole Mud Cats make it to the playoffs…oh, and helps the Penguins too!”

Youngblood is listed in critical condition, and is scheduled for double-kidney replacement surgery at the Beth Israel Hospital in Boston. According to his doctor, he had already undergone triple-lung bypass and an appendectomy, and doctors were waiting for him to regain his strength before beginning the kidney replacement work.

“The injuries Mr. Tenaglia suffered from the impact of the puck were significant,” responded Doctor Jay Cutler from the hospital. “The puck was moving at such a great speed, it actually caused internal bleeding and what I like to call M.S.A., or Medical Shock and Awe to his entire body. At this point we will need to replace all of his internal organs, and potentially put him down completely if his body does not respond. Because of Mr. Tenaglia’s skill, we have to treat him like we would a race-horse at this point in time.”

This is the third significant injury that Youngblood has suffered to the face, with the last injury being the loss of all his teeth from a high-stick. Interestingly, Youngblood is a huge opponent of helmets and face-masks. According to Klondike, Youngblood is just about to release a book entitled ‘Damn The Helmets – Play Like A Man!’. The book focuses on how the use of helmets and face-masks is ruining the game of hockey, and real players shouldn’t wear any pads.

“These injuries have nothing to do with wearing a face-mask,” added Klondike. “What if it had been a bullet and not a puck? He probably would have died. So let’s not jump to conclusions here and say the mask would have prevented the injury. Besides, book sales start next week, and dates for a book signing will be set once my client has recovered from his injuries. We’ll see you at your local book-store real soon!”

It is still questionable whether Youngblood will play in tonight’s match-up with Analog, and fans can only wait to hear any news coming out of the Penguins front-office.

“I’m a huge Youngblood fan,” said a gleeful twelve-year-old Ricky Johnson from his hospital bed. Ricky is recovering from injuries he suffered during a recent youth hockey game. “After reading an excerpt from Youngblood’s book, I removed my helmet during my last game. But just because I hit the boards with no helmet, and suffered a severe concussion, it doesn't mean the helmet would have helped. Youngblood is right! Helmets and face-masks are for the losers!”

Negotiations At A Stand-Still

2010-06-04T07:25:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – The Penguin's struggles continue both on and off the ice, as recent word from Walpole indicate that contract negotiations with forward, Matt Dimock have come to a screeching-halt. Originally it appeared Dimock would be a late sign for the summer season, however, Dimock, has missed the first four games of the season and the discussions have completely broken-down. According to his agent, Lou Stools, his client had only been holding out for a ‘fair contract’.

“Mr. Dimock is just a hockey player looking to be treated fairly,” stated Stools during this morning’s press-conference. “This organization refuses to recognize my client’s needs, which frankly is insulting. We are only asking for basic living-essentials and the ability for him to feed his family.”

Stools comments are at odds with a recent report of Dimock’s demands, and causing issues with the Penguins front-office.

“Normally we would not be discussing individual contract negotiations in a public forum,” added Penguins attorney, Buck Nekkid. “However the statements made by Dimock’s attorney are completely erroneous. We do not consider any of Dimock’s demands to be reasonable, and unless his camp begins reevaluating their demands, these talks are over.”

A source close to the discussions commented that there were 'many' areas of concern in the latest contract, which the Penguins organization considered to be ‘unreasonable’. Among the areas of concern are the following:

- A personal locker-room, complete with a masseuse and a personal skate-sharpener
- His own bench, with heated seats and a doorman who opens and closes the doors when he comes on and off the ice, and hands him heated hand-towels
- Dimock’s own penalty box, with snacks and multiple high-definition televisions
- A personal ‘official’, who is responsible for any calls for or against Dimock during games
- New skates in-between each period
- His own score-board that is brought to each game and hung in front of the 'actual' score-board
- A personal ice-caddy, who follows him along the ice with a bag of different, personalized hockey-sticks for each game situation
- Game pucks with the words ‘Dimock Rules’ and his picture on them
- Changing of the team name from the “Provo Penguins” to “Big Matty Dimock and a Bunch of Other Guys”
- A portable ‘rink’ that can be brought to Dimock's house during games

“You have got to be [expletive]-me,” raged an angry Hombre Del Huevo. “We are a [expletive] hockey-team for [expletive]-sake! We are playing some of the worst hockey we have ever played, and this is nothing but a [expletive] distraction!”

The talks will continue late into the weekend, but according to our source, the Penguins refuse to budge with any of his demands. Penguin Nation can only hope things are resolved soon, as the next game will surely be the biggest of their lives.

Penguins Dominate The Tie

2010-05-25T05:37:00.000-07:00

Foxboro, MA - With the playoffs on the line, the mighty Penguins pulled-off what might be one of the most lopsided ties in hockey history. Dominating the entire game, The Herd were no match for the Penguins, which was obvious from the Herd's players faces as they left the rink.

"I've never felt so all alone," claimed Sam Peeman, longtime center for the Herd. "Those guys are amazing and proved that they are the team to beat. I only wish the results turned out differently. They really tied us good!"

The Penguins struck early and often, which resulted in goals in the 1st and 3rd periods by the only two guys on the hockey team with cool nicknames; Youngblood and Sniper. This scoring barrage allowed the other Penguins players (whose nicknames are really just based on their last names) to continue dominating the game and break The Herd's backs with the tie.

"It was decisive," admitted Hombre Del Huevo (who actually also has a cool nickname, which should have been mentioned in the previous paragraph). "We decisively tied that game and struck fear into the hearts of our opponents and the league. We don't like to talk smack, but we tied the [expletive] out of those mother-[expletive]!"

The fan went crazy in the stands when the final buzzer sounded and the Penguins raised their arms in neutrality. This tie puts the Penguins in the run for the playoffs, and proves that they are the team to beat.

"Two-two, three-three, it does not matter," stated Sherwood. "A tie is a tie, and we actually felt bad for the Herd. Hell, some of their players got hurt in warm-ups, just knowing we could tie them at will. We can tie them any time we want, and this gives us the edge going forward."

The Penguins move into the bye week at 1-2-1, and have two weeks to enjoy the greatest tie in hockey history!

Roller-Coaster Season Continues

2010-05-24T06:40:00.001-07:00

Foxboro, MA –The 2010 Summer Hockey Season is already off to a tumultuous start, with allegations of inappropriate and illegal behavior running rampant across the league. From age-tampering, to use of illegal performance enhancing drugs, the NESHL is riddled with rumors and hyperbole that are causing a major impact at the ticket-office. Attendance for games was down by over 43.8% over this time last year, and there are indications that things could get much worse before they get much better.

Amid all the issues, the NESHL has once again begun ‘Schedule-Hiding’, a trick used by the league to confuse players on certain teams in the league. Usually, schedule hiding is used on those teams that pose a threat in the standings and who could make a run for the NESHL Athletic Cup at any time. One such team is the Provo Penguins, who with a 1-2 record, have struck fear into the hearts of the league, and have recently fell victim to schedule-hiding.

“If you look at the schedule,” responded Penguins legend, Sean Kenney. “You will see the ‘Penguins’ have games in the month of May. If you take a closer look, you will also notice that the same team with the name ‘Provo Penguins’ has games starting in June. If a player did not spend 6-hours in front of the schedule trying to figure out why there were no games for the Penguins in June, you would have no idea this was happening. We have fallen victim to schedule-hiding in the past, and it appears the league is once again out to disrupt our 1-2 record.”

At the beginning of the season, the Provo Penguins name was changed to just the Penguins, which cause issues with the Provo Liquor sponsor. Instead of changing the entire season to reflect the actual team name, the league has just decided to change the name randomly.

“We are in process of writing a very sophisticated model,” Tragakis added during a recent phone conversation. “This model will scan the NESHL schedule looking for any team with the name, Penguin, Provo Penguins, Provo Liquor Penguins…hell, if it starts with the letter ‘P’ this algorithm will pick it up. We are hoping once the model is developed, our team won’t miss any games, but to be honest it is still a crap-shoot. Who knows what name the league will use for us next week?”

The league was unavailable for comment, but Las Vegas had 100:1 odds that the Penguins would miss a game this year due to the schedule-hiding. That’s one bet this reporter will gladly take.

On a side note, the Penguins / Provo Penguins will be taking on The Herd tonight at 9:10pm in Foxboro. This match-up will prove to be the biggest game of the Penguins / Provo Penguins lives as The Herd has been under allegations of Gender-Tampering, having pulled in three ex-Polish National hockey players who do not have Adams-apples, and who refuse to change in the same locker-room as the rest of the team. In their defense, it was noted that the three players in question were bigger and had more facial hair than the rest of the team combined.

Rumors Running Rampant

2010-05-17T09:52:00.000-07:00

Game three of the young Summer season kicks-off tonight, with allegations of cheating once again being at the center of the conversation. As the struggling Penguins take on the Iceholes tonight in Walpole, multiple sources are reporting that the Iceholes are privately under investigation by the league.

"It has come to our attention that the Iceholes have done some things that are suspect," commented Herb Stickler, NESHL attorney. "However any illegal activity by the team will stay within the walls of the team and the league. We do not handle these matters publicly."

Although the league would like to keep this matter under lock and key, rumors have already begun to leak on the allegations facing the Iceholes. One such allegation involves age tampering, where in at least one case a player’s age was intentionally modified by the Iceholes.

“This is nothing new for the Iceholes,” stated a source close to the team. “They have been listing players with the wrong ages for years now. One of their players is listed as being 73 years-old, and according to hospital records, he is clearly 68 years-old. What is really strange is no one is quite sure what advantage they are getting for tampering with the age of someone that old. But clearly it is a violation of league policy.”

Additionally, it has been rumored that the team has been consistently using banned substances such as HGH and steroids in order to get an edge on the competition. Many of their players have failed numerous blood and urine tests.

“Where does this [expletive] come from?” questioned Bucky Meister alternate captain for the Iceholes. “We ended the season with 5 wins and 17 losses last season, how can we possibly be taking performance enhancing drugs? This is bull-[expletive]!”

However according to at least one source, it is a known fact that the team is completely ‘juiced’.

“The problem is that they don’t actually exercise or workout,” responded the source. “If you take steroids and HGH and don’t workout it doesn’t do your body any good. But they are popping horse-grade steroids like they are going out of style. These guys have a Pez dispenser in their locker-room with all kinds of performance enhancing drugs, if only they worked-out!”

Tonight’s match-up will surely be a test for the Penguins, as they are coming off back to back losses and are not taking performance enhancing drugs…yet. There is always next week…

Penguins, Maples Leafs Match-up Could Turn Ugly

2010-05-10T08:30:00.000-07:00

Foxboro, MA - The last time the Provo Penguins played the Maple Leafs, they lost 3-2 in OT during the first-round of the playoffs. Where is the Penguins closed out their playoff hopes early, the Maple Leafs forged on to the bitter end, but also came up short.

"We are the better team," stated Butch Hymman, Maple Leafs owner. "Our team is better at every facet of the game against the Penguins. We can skate better, puck handle better, and we play better. We actually feel sorry for the Penguins actually."

These are tough words coming from an organization that had lost in the two prior match-ups before the playoffs, and only won in OT with a goal that could be disputed. According to sources, game film clearly showed Maple Leafs forward, Phillipe Chouinard, using a police taser gun on the Penguins goalie only seconds prior to the OT goal. Surprisingly, the film cannot be located in the NESHL archives, only adding fuel to the already blazing rivalry fire. The Penguins have refused to push for an investigation.

"Film or no film it does not matter," responded Tragakis at his locker. "Getting tased while in goal is how we train, so it is no excuse for Roode to let up a goal. We have spent countless hours tasing him in the eyes prior to a player taking a shot. Most times he just goes into convulsions, but we are hoping he can use this to his advantage in the future. In any case, our only focus is on tonight's game."

One concern for the Penguins is that with the Bruins plagued by injury, that players such as Hickey and Youngblood could be called up to play at the Garden. This could leave the Penguins vulnerable, as they only skated with 7 players in each of their last two games.

"Younglood does not need additional players," commented Youngblood from his home. "Youngblood can skate for the Bruins and skate for the Penguins. Bottom line is that Youngblood is a one-man wrecking machine, additional playes only get in Youngblood's way!"

Tonight's tilt has all the components of a back-street brawl, and it does not appear that either team will back-down.

"The Leafs are pulling out all the stops," commented a source close to the club. "I would not be surprised if IED's are used by the team, or if they slip a little 'something' into the water bottles of the refs. Anything is possible."

Scorpions Scorch The Penguins

2010-05-04T01:20:00.000-07:00

Foxboro, MA – With nothing but a pair of chafed nipples to show for his effort, Hombre Del Huevo (HDH) once again tried to will his team to victory. But chafed-nipples were not enough to win the game for the Provo Penguins, who started the summer season off with a loss to the vaunted Scorpions. The Scorpions were the Winter Season winners of the Athletic Cup (the NESHL equivalent to the Stanley Cup), and proved to be too much for the Penguins to overcome.

“My nipples are killing me,” commented the Eggman after the game. “Here I am skating my ass off, only to have half the team, not show. We have been down this path before. I can’t be the Oprah Winfrey of the Penguins hockey team, damn it! I need some friggin support out there, I can’t do it all!”

With barely enough players to field a team, HDH did everything in his power to start the season off with a win, but the odds were stacked against him. Players such as Dimock, Kenney, Curchin, Sniper and Tragakis were no-shows for Monday night’s tilt, which sadly ended in a 6-3 loss to the Scorpions.

“I didn’t know skates were required,” said Wilmot, who was one of the eight players to show. “I’m not a strong skater. In fact, I can’t really skate. But I have the heart of a lion, and a dream of learning to skate backwards. I know it is a fantasy at this point, but I’m close to being able to change direction on the ice as well. It is all good!”

Wilmot spent most of the night with his skates on the wrong feet, but even when he got the issue corrected, the lack of players led to the Penguins downfall. Not even the talent of Youngblood could provide the spark necessary to win the game.

“I am hockey,” responded Youngblood in the locker-room. “Youngblood likes coochie and hockey. And he is good at both. Youngblood scored a goal tonight, and he plans on touching his monkey late-night to celebrate. Youngblood will score more goals than anyone in the world. I love Youngblood!”

Miraculously, Sherwood also scored the first goal of his career, making him happy even though the team lost.

“Sherwood likes goals,” added the only scoring member of the OML. “Sherwood likes coochie and hockey. And he is not good at either, but it is fun just the same!”

Roode II also contributed to the scoring, by slipping the puck past the goalie with his one good arm. Roode II had a shoulder boo-boo, which kept him out of the scrimmage last week, but did not keep him out of the game. His brother, Roode I, also contributed by stopping 44 shots while only allowing 6.

Sadly, Curchin did not show for the game, because he was grounded by his parents.

“Ryan needs to stop playing with himself,” replied Curchin’s mom, who was visibly concerned. “He is going to go blind the way he pulls the thing day and night. I told him I would not write him a check to play hockey if he keeps it up, and I grounded him as well. Unfortunately, we did not think it through since the grounding only gave him more time in his bedroom with his jar of Vaseline. I’m afraid he will damage himself if he doesn’t stop!”

Penguins send Tragakis back to Minors

2010-04-29T11:05:00.000-07:00

Thursday, 04.27.2010 / 9:26 AM /
News By Mike G. Morreale

Provo Penguins forward Steve Tragakis is headed back to the minors.

For Tragakis, 68, being returned to the Berlin Bombers in Germany, a minor hockey team for the Provo Penguins is no surprise. Tragakis appeared in one scrimmage with the Penguins last night, in which Tragakis had no points and a minus-53 rating in just over 34 minutes of ice time during the scrimmage. It was later determined that Tragakis suffered from a Ben-Gay overdose, which may have affected his ability to stand on his skates.

"I suck," Tragakis told Ben Wright of Senior Hockey League Tribune. “There are all different levels of sucking, and my suckability was pretty high last night. But I can’t believe they are sending me to Germany! I will miss the first official game of the season next week, and I’m totally bummed. My goal is to play in Germany for the week and get my game back…err…I mean to get a game…hell I just want to be accepted for my limited abilities!”

Tragakis made no mention of comments he made after the scrimmage, where he could be clearly heard saying ‘I think I’m your dad’ to one of the short, stocky bald-kids playing for the Icemen. His attorney also refused comment, citing that a blood test would be conducted in the near future, and that the similarities in appearance and the fact that the kid’s mom went to the University of Maine with Tragakis, were ‘purely a coincidence’.

"I've been in this situation before and there's a fine line between skating and not being able to skate," Tragakis said. " That's why you need some skill, and some endurance, and some knowledge of the game. I’m hoping to get some of that while in Germany. I’m also hoping that the players over there pay the ten-bucks to play and not come up with some lame bull-[expletive] excuse for not bringing the money to a scrimmage!"

Tragakis told Wright how depressed he was with the number of talented young players the Icemen had on their team.

"It's a good group of kids, but I messed up by allowing them to play us during the scrimmage," he said. "I can look bad all by myself, I don’t need a bunch of fifteen-year-olds skating up and down my ass to make me look even worse. I think the next time I schedule a scrimmage, it will be against the Shady Oaks Senior Center Geriatric Hockey Team, so I can at least skate with my peers. I blame The Icemen for sending me back to the minors, those [expletive] bastards!”

TIME CHANGE FOR SCRIMMAGE - 9pm

2010-04-23T06:08:00.001-07:00

The Penguins take on the newly formed Ice Men on Wednesday August 28th at 9pm. This hockey exhibition will be held at the Walpole Iorio Arena. The Ice Men are part of the ECHL, and will use as a warm-up before their playoffs begin.

Here's the info:

- When: Wednesday April 28th @ 9pm
- Where: Walpole Iorio
- Cost: $10 per player - please bring $10 (not $20 or $100 dollar bills)
- Uniforms: Penguins will wear home White Jerseys/Ice Men will be wearing dark colored jerseys

Bring Beer, Bring a grill (Curchin please bring 4 patties for the team) - any last minute additions will have to be added to the roster so please contact swt08@live.com if you are planning on attending but did not already respond.

A Message From Coach Douchey's Admin Assistant

2010-04-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Gentlemen,

It has come to my attention that many Pelican’s players have been neglecting their off-season training regimen, and instead have chosen a path of ‘fatness’ and ‘neglect’. I don’t have to tell you who you are, and since I don’t know your names anyway, it doesn’t really matter. But you know who you are!

With the season only weeks away, I encourage you to get off your fat, disgusting asses and begin training in earnest. This is the time gentlemen! This is the time! Considering you are only a ‘C’ level team in America, I can only imagine how bad you actually are. This is something a local, on-site coach would work to overcome every day. Since you only pay me for my off-site, hands-off, non-involved coaching style from afar, I have to assume you suck and take it from there.

In short I am embarrassed to be your coach. If you think your beer drinking, pot smoking ways have gone unnoticed they have not! You are a disgrace to the NESHL and if I had the authority to cut you I would!

There are mandatory public hockey session at the Iorio rink at 12:30pm every day. Go there! Drill yourselves until you puke! Learn to be hockey players! You are what you are, so try your hardest to be different. Remember gentlemen, you suck very much and I mean that!

Sincerely,

Coach Douchey’s Admin Assistant
Chuck Tamponne

League, Penguins Agree to Compromise

2010-04-18T09:41:00.001-07:00

Walpole, MA – After spending fourteen hours behind closed-doors, both the NESHL and the Provo Penguins representatives emerged tired, but happy. When the captain of the Penguins, Chris Eighmy, announced his retirement, the league mandated that the Penguins disband the team. This of course immediately drew criticism from the Penguins front-office, and closed-door meetings began early yesterday morning. On behalf of the Penguins, Bruno, Nick, Chris, Steve and Lou Palmero, Provo Liquors attorney, were all in attendance. The NESHL was represented by Jim Mowler, Paul Rubenson, and Andrew Campbell, attorney for the NESHL.

“We were prepared to fight this with everything we had,” commented Bruno after the proceedings. “We can understand why they [NESHL] instated this rule, but it was just not a case of bringing in ‘ringers’ as far as we were concerned. This was merely a case of a player, who happened to be the captain, stepping down and moving on. Although we did not get everything we wanted, we were happy with the compromise.”

Based on the league ruling the Penguins will be forced to disband the team. However, since the placement of all players across the division would not be possible at this time, it was agreed that the old team would come together as a completely new team in the division.

“In the end all parties are happy,” stated Mowler as he left the proceedings. “A rule is a rule, so the team has to disband. The good news is that they can form a new team with all the same players.”

According to the statement released by the attorneys, all players for the former Penguins team will be forced to immediately disband, and re-join the league as a new team. One sticking point was the naming of the team, which was finally settled just before midnight.

“It is important for Provo Liquors to feel it is getting the full marketing potential out of this sponsorship,” said a tired Lou Palmero. “It was finally decided that the new team would retain the original name of Provo Liquor Penguins, which made everyone on this side of the table very happy.”

The new Provo Liquor Penguins team will make its debut this summer, with the start of the summer season slated for sometime in May.

“We had to disband,” Tragakis commented from his car in the parking lot. “But within twenty-four hours the new team will come together with all the same players, making it a partial victory for us. Additionally, we get to keep our original name, so in the end we can once again play as Penguins.”

Also reported during the late hour, ex-Penguins captain Hombre Del Huevo (HDH) will become the new team captain. Del Huevo had stated under no uncertain terms that he would not make a comeback, as it was against everything he stood for.

“Since we are now a new team, it makes a lot of sense,” responded the team captain from his home in Plainville. “I did not want to be a Brett Farve-like person, retiring and un-retiring every season. I was looking for a new challenge, and now I have it. Since this is a new team, I am officially not making a comeback, but instead I’m becoming the captain on a new team in the division. This will provide a new challenge for me, and I’m looking forward to being captain of a new team with all the same players!”

There is an excitement in the air, as this new team bonds and merges into the NESHL. With it will come new challenges and obstacles, which could prove to be tough for any new team. But since this new team will be comprised of all the same players, and will retain its original name and captain, they are positioned better than most to make it in the division. Only time will tell if the new Provo Liquor Penguins are up for the challenge.

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:

2010-04-16T06:03:00.001-07:00

We just got a call from Jim Mowler from the NESHL. Apparently there have been issues in the past where team Captains have allegedly ‘stepped-down’, when in actuality they are switching roster names in order to bring in ringers.

Last season, the NESHL instated a rule that any team who’s captain leaves, for whatever reason, would not be allowed to play as a team and would be disbanded. Based on this, the Penguins players will be disbanded and dispersed across the league.

Jim has asked that I reach out to the team and ask everyone to submit one team that they would absolutely NOT play-on. Jim will do everything in his power to make sure you don’t end up on that team. You can also pick one ‘buddy’ from our team that you would like to be paired with on your new team.

Additionally, if you no longer want to play he said he would return ½ the playing fee – it seems we still have to pay the fee since we planned to play and the league needs its money.

***This is still being contested. Expect final word shortly.***

Captain's Vacancy Leaves Team in Turmoil

2010-04-15T07:20:00.000-07:00

Walpole, MA – The name-plate has been removed from the locker-room wall, leaving a dark, black outline where the prominent plate once hung. With the recent departure of hockey legend Chris Eighmy, the Penguins organization has been left in a tail-spin. From front-office down to the individual player, the organization is looking for direction during this tumultuous time, and according to some, it can’t come quick enough.

“This has been tough,” admitted Lenny Chandler, Penguins General Manager. “In the past, we looked to Del Huevo for direction and guidance for the team, and we don’t have that now. Can we rebuild? Of course, but it takes time. Right now guys are lost in that locker-room, and if we don’t get things on track soon, we could be in trouble at the start of the Summer Season. Players are weeping, and some are even holding all night vigils in honor of their missing comrade…it’s really sad. Hell, I even saw one player spooning his hockey bag.”

With Hombre Del Huevo now concentrating on bonding with his family, the Penguins are quickly trying to fill the gap that was left behind. As Chandler indicated, these things take time, but time is one thing this team does not have. The Summer Season kicks-off in under 3-weeks, and the first (and only) practice is scheduled for April 28th. Time is running out. With no guidance from Coach Douchey, in-fighting has begun, and numerous players are stepping up in an attempt to get the Captain’s ‘C’ stitched onto their jerseys.

“Just because I’m in San Diego now, and play for a different team, doesn’t mean I can’t be Captain,” replied Todd Cronin from his apartment. “I feel a connection with the team, and since I have my own website dedicated to showing the world my [poop], I’m a natural-born innovator. If Coach Douchey can coach the team from Toronto, I can be a captain from San Diego! And please go to [poop]show.com and check-out my latest San Diego Bowl-Choker!”

Cronin is not the only one stepping up to take the vacant spot. Child prodigy Sean Hickey is also throwing his helmet onto the rink in order to become the newest Penguins Captain.

“The way I see it,” commented Hickey from his parents basement. “I will outlive the rest of the players by 20-30 years. Based on that fact alone, forget about my mad-skills, I should be Captain. I turn 16 next week. I think Bilbo turns 75, and Tragakis is probably turning 100. It’s ridiculous. It would be nice to announce my selection to Captain at my prom, so hopefully we can wrap this up soon!”

Coach Douchey has been unavailable for comment, but according to his assistant coach, Anull Wartz, the in-fighting has to stop.

“We are thinking of selecting a captain from the Toronto Razors,” responded Wartz, referring to the other hockey team, which Wartz and Douchey are also coaching. “We would hate for all the fighting to cause a rift in that team down there, since it is really not in their hands right now.”

Others would disagree, as the team captain has never been decided by the Toronto coaching staff. As much as the coaching staff would like to make this decision for the team, opportunistic players continue to raise their hand to be the team leader, and some of them are even local.

“Clearly, I should be captain,” replied John Wilmot, newest member of the Penguins. “I can skate forwards and backwards…a little anyway, and I can bring a fresh perspective to the team having never played organized hockey. Besides, I’m from Walpole, how convenient is that?”

But even as more hands are raised, rumors continue to run rampant across the league, indicating that Hombre Del Huevo will come out of retirement and take back his role.

“I told you already you stupid mother-[expletive], that I just retired,” barked an angry Eighmy from his cell phone. “If you ask me one more time about coming out of retirement, I’m going to shove this phone up your [expletive] ass!”