The White Dragon Strikes Again

Foxboro, MA – Coming off of last Wednesday’s demoralizing loss to Analog, the Penguins had a short week to get their business in order.  With every game taking on more and more significance heading into the playoffs, the Penguins needed to make dramatic changes to the roster in order to prevent a loss.

“We did what we felt was right,” stated coach Douchey after the game.  “After very little deliberation, we decided to move Wallace down to our minor league team, the New Orleans Hurricanes, we re-signed veteran forward Wilmont to a long-term contract, and we pumped Topher’s stomach and brought him back from his stint at the BBC.  This gave us the edge we needed, and ensured a tie in tonight’s match-up.”

Wilmont, known as the ‘White Dragon’ by his teammates and a handful of guys that frequent the local rest areas, cemented his place on the team’s roster by scoring an important backhand goal that gave the team enough to tie Analog, and gave the White Dragon his 5^th point in the last four games.

“Wilmont scores when Wilmont wants to score,” said Wilmont, talking about himself in the third-person.  “Wilmont can take the puck and bounce it off the post, off the back of the goalies pad, across the goal line, and into the net.  That is how Wilmont plays the game.  It should be noted that Wilmont was merely trying to pass the puck out front, and the rest was pretty amazing considering it was an accident.  But the White Dragon works in mysterious ways!”

Also on the highlight reel, Topher had a breakaway goal, which he scored with a style and grace never seen before on the Penguins hockey team.

“To be honest, Wallace just gets in the way,” admitted Topher, who was surrounded by the BBC fan-club and the staff from the Betty Ford Clinic after the game.  “There is not enough ice when he is out there, and when he is gone it opens everything up.   I love the guy, but if he stayed in New Orleans I’d probably be beating him in the stats by at least 17 points…oh wait…I am beating him by 17 points!  Never mind!  I hope he comes back soon!”

A third goal was scored by someone on the team, but seeing how there is just no way to get updated game stats within 48-hours, and the fact that the refs will give the goal to the wrong person, and the fact that Lawler will mess it up when he goes to enter the information anyway, we will give the goal to Rob Tags.  R-Tags played one of his best games of his life, constantly beating himself to the puck, and putting himself in harm’s way with every stride on the ice.  Here is a partial transcript of R-Tags post-game press-conference:

Reporter:  Can you tell us a little bit about yourself outside of hockey?

R-Tags:  I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I'm smarter than most of the people who go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard like half an equation and... I just figure it out.

Reporter: That sounds like Good Will Hunting?

 R-Tags:  No.

Reporter:  It sounds a lot like the plot of Good Will Hunting…

R-Tags:  Yeah, anyway. My best friend is Ben Affleck...

Roode ‘Screaming Buffalo’ 3 showed signs of his former self getting a major penalty with less than 5 seconds to play in the game.  It was a strategic penalty.

“This time I didn’t have to spend the entire time in the penalty box,” Screaming Buffalo explained.  “There was only like 3-seconds on the clock.  You go to the box, you know. Nearly two minutes, by yourself, you know and you feel shame, you know. And then you get free.  I tried to leave early to beat the traffic, but they made me sit.  Ah well, at least I was free in 3-seconds.  !”