Penguins Dismantle Sponge Bob Red Pants and the Scorpions

Foxboro, MA – Great moments are defined by greatness.  If all the great moments in the world were to come together as a single great moment, into the perfect storm of great moments, it would be the greatest moment on earth.   If the greatest moment was then transposed into a single hockey game, it would unquestionably be the greatest game in the world, or for those playing the game, the Greatest Game of Their Lives.

Last night the mighty Penguins beat the living tar out of the Scorpions, tearing out the Scorpions once menacing stinger, and jamming it into its still beating heart, until the beast was nothing but a remnant of its former self.   In short the Penguins beat the Scorpions with a final of 6-2 or 6-3, as of this writing no one knows because the data is still pending in the system.  This is the first Penguins win over the Scorpions this year.
“Take your top off,” screamed an ecstatic Wilmont from his locker after the game.  “Whooo…Take your top off!  Ahhhhh….I am a scoring machine beatch!  Everyone!  Team shower!”

Wilmont has been on a scoring spree, scoring a goal in every game for the last three games, clearly making it the greatest streak in Wilmont’s life.  But there are other reasons the team could be winning, including Kimp’s new pants, and Gugs releasing the demons before the game. 

“It was the greatest session of my life,” admitted Gugs, who was headed straight back to his shower after the game.  “I don’t know why I leave my house, or my shower for that matter!   I’m out of lube, anyone have some that they could spare?”

Additionally, Kimp sported new hockey pants.  Not only did he look sharp, but they gave him the edge he needed to block shot after shot to win the game.

“It goes without saying that these are great hockey pants,” stated Kimp, who was weeping with joy at the podium.  “There are hockey pants, and there are hockey pants.  These are the greatest hockey pants of my life!  Someone spoon me!”

Also of note on the night, Youngblood had two of the greatest open net goals in the history of open net goals, and Topher wiffed on the puck back at his own goal line, nearly giving the puck up for a Scorpion goal.   It goes without saying it was the greatest puck-wiff in hockey history!