Penguins Are Flightless

Foxboro, MA – The Penguins took-on an a typically cheap and chippy Analog team last night at the Foxboro Ice Center, and held their own for much of the 1^st period.  In other news...

The Penguins front-office is under-fire after not making a move at the trade deadline yesterday, leaving fans reeling with disappointment and dissatisfaction.  This is the 12^th season in a row that the Penguins organization has refused to make a move at the deadline, even though it is $5.75 below the cap.

“Players are buying new hockey pants, and smelling salts like it is going out of style,” stated a disgruntled Lou Gourdo, longtime Penguins fan.  “If these bitches can dress in new clothes and buy this kind of stuff frivolously, why can’t the Penguins bring in new players who can skate forwards and backwards?  Is that too much to ask?”

This fan’s comments, along with numerous others of a similar nature, appear to be directed at one player in particular, and the player in question is not taking the comments lightly.

“Screw them all,” lashed out an angry Tragakis from his locker after the game.  “Do you know how hard it is to skate backwards with double-runner blades, while holding a stick and leaning on a milk-crate for balance?   Those bastards are moving fast out there, you can’t just expect me to change direction during the same shift.  Maybe if we all agree to skate in the same direction for a shift at a time it would work!”

Not only are the fans upset, but some players are reacting negatively to the organizations refusal to make a move at the trade deadline.  Three players in particular asked for trade just days ago, only to revoke the trade due to feelings of inadequacy. 

“Look, we joined this team to win,” admitted Wallace after the game.  “Three of us in particular joined the team to win.  If they are not going to bring in B level players we will go elsewhere and find B level players.   With that said, we will stay for one more season or until we find a better B level team.  Hey, what can we say, we love these guys?“

Another player had this to say.

“I am Canadian, eh?  Can you guess who I am?” asked Bilbo during his postgame press-conference.

Times are so difficult, that one player has even resorted to Beer Bitching, the act of bringing in beer only for themselves.  This is the first time in team history that a player has only brought in single beer can for their own selfish use.

“We had players in the past bring in a 6-pack, or even a handful of bottles,” stated Bob Nobbers, Penguins head of Player Relations.  “But no one has ever been so donkey-shit selfish and cheap to only bring in one beer.   We call this type of player “a selfish prick”.   We will handle this internally.  Publicly, I will just say he can die the pig-scum monkey-turd!  This is unheard of!”

According to team policy, ‘it is illegal to Beer Bitch during any game, practice, or in real life’.  As this is also a league rule, officials are looking into Beer Bitch Gate ’14, and will have a ruling later this week.  A fine could be levied or the player in question may be brought in front a team of doctors to verify that his testicles are still intact.