Penguins Pour the Concrete

Walpole, MA – The Walpole Penguins steam-rolled division rivals A1 Concrete, in their third match-up of the season. In last night’s tilt, the Penguins took a commanding 4-0 lead, only to have the lead dwindle to only a one goal lead, however the surging Penguins would not be denied as they managed to fend-off A1 Concrete to take the game by a score of 5-3.

“That’s what this team is all about,” stated a drunken Bart Connors, team mascot. “I love those f’n Penguins! Yeaaaaa….tease my nipples! Wooooo….I freak’n eat Penguin for breakfast! AAAAAAHhhhhhhh….touch my bung-bung! I’m so hot in this Penguin suit, I have to poo…”

Although Connors was later transported to the Norwood Hospital Emergency room to have his stomach pumped for alcohol poisoning, his sentiment was felt by Penguins Nation (except the part about “poo”). Everyone in the building stood on their feet, clapping in unison for the entire game, chanting, “Mike, Mike, Mike”, when once upon a time they chanted, Roode, Roode, Roode. This was not only an obvious tribute to the new goalie, but perhaps a slight upon the team’s previous goalie. Many fans watched in disbelief as the Penguins once again managed to win without Roode 1 in net.

“Who? Roode, what?,” asked a very confused and inebriated Youngblood. “Name does not ring a bell. I mean we have Roode 2 and Roode 3, but Roode 1? Nope. I know we got Mike in net, and we have won every game with that crazy bastard between the pipes. I’m going to raise my bong tonight in Mike’s honor! Hell I’ll just raise my bong to drink the water! I’m center.”

The Penguins went on a goal scoring rampage with goals coming from everyone, except Tragakis. It should be mentioned that there are no excuses in hockey, but Tragakis’s skates were very dull and he had accidently left his new gloves at home.

“Yea buddy!,” exclaimed Tragakis from his home. “I got some new gloves! That’s what the issue was. I will tear it up out there mother-f’ers next time I skate! Skill is over-rated, I’m going to take it to the house with my new gloves!”

Even with the equipment issues, and unable to find the stat sheet once again, Tragakis was heard saying after the game that; “This was the GREATEST game of our lives!".

Pinching his ass off and attempting to skate through 14 people instead of passing it to anybody except occasionally to Roode 2 to avoid what he would dub as "family tension", Roode 3 managed to score two goals on the night, and in return he let-up all three goals due to his steadfast game strategy of “pinching at all times without a care”.

 “I think I am at a +15,” commented Roode 3 after the game. “I’m not good at math but if I was on the ice for my two goals, and they scored two goals, and I brought the water, and I pinched the entire game, oh yea and I did have anal warts, so I think that makes me a +15 on the night. I’m really happy and can’t wait to tell my parents!”

Missing from the game for reasons unknown was Matt "Wrong Rink" Gugliotta.  This marks only the second time in the season that the team had to go Gugless, but it did allow for the sexy teen sensation line of Young-but-really-middle-aged-Blood, “Bam Bam Empty Net” Wallace and Toph "Im mad about something" Mccauley to be reunited. All three would score goals in the game resulting in jubilation from Youngblood and Wallace; however, Toph not being able to score every goal unassisted was upset stating: "There’s no “Me” in Penguin, but there’s an “I” you assholes!"

It should be noted that Toph was the first and ONLY person to ever be thrown-out of the face-off circle during an NESHL game.   After the game the ref had this to say about the incident;

“I'm going to be honest with you. I don't like that kid Topher, probably never will. He’s a smug unhappy little man and he treats referees and players like they were idiots.  I heard him yelling at players the whole game for the love of Pete!”

With the two-game win-streak, one would think that the Penguins would shy away from making any changes, however that does not seem to be the case as far as the front-office is concerned.

“We lost Roode 1, we lost Sherwood, Gugs is probably sitting in Rayham waiting for the game to start, Almeida is MIA, Vaughn won’t set skate on a rink anywhere near the Penguins, and Kenney’s equipment got eaten by squirrels,” stated Stan Steamer, Penguins Assistant General Manager of Team Strategy, Operations, Personnel and Player and Family On-Boarding and Development (PAGMTSOPPFOBD). “Of course we want to switch it up! This team only wins when it is facing adversity. Next week we will bring Wilmont back…a naked Wilmont. We will put him in net with puppies behind him. As we all know he loves animals…at least that is what we keep hearing from pet owners, local farms, the petting zoo, animal rights activists, concerned citizens…and the State Police. We figure if he loves animals that much he will do anything to stop the puppies from being harmed. It is a win-win!”