Although the Penguins organization has been abuzz with excitement
due to their recent back-to-back road victories, not everyone within the
organization is thrilled with the reaction of the players and fans. It was reported in yesterday’s blog that the
fans ‘joined in unison’ to chant the name of the new goalie, and at least one
player couldn’t even remember Roode 1’s name when asked if he had any thoughts
on the Penguins goalie’s absence. Roode
1 has been the goalie for the Penguins for over 15 years, and has been, until a
recent injury, the face of the organization.
“Let’s keep this in perspective,” exclaimed an agitated Rico
Feldman, spokesman for the team. “There
was one fan, not every fan, but just one fan chanting Mike’s name. It happened to be his mother, and to be
honest with you she wasn’t even chanting his name with much enthusiasm. She seemed kind of board actually. As for the player in question, let’s just say
that player was completely stoned and he can’t recall his own name when asked,
never mind his goalies!”
Roode 1 recently went down with a torn Gradial Krowshank
muscle on both of his thighs and groin.
The injury has left him sidelined, and according to at least one source
close to the goalie, it has left him very frustrated.
“He is obviously agitated that he is not on the ice,”
admitted the source, who wished to remain anonymous. “When he can’t skate with his team, he goes
into a deep dark depression. It is not
healthy. Additionally, he can no longer
throw his legs over his head when he is treating himself, so that has probably
caused the most frustration for him,”
According to rumors, when Roode 1 heard about the fan and
player resentment, he took matters into his own hands. It has been reported that Roode 1 has moved
his training and rehabilitation to Suchi, an underground training complex
along with long-time Russian trainer Vladmir Pountang.
“To be clear, this is not Sochi Russia, where the Olympics are
taking place,” reported Buster McGhee, political scientist from Jimmy Dean
College. “It is Suchi in Wrentham. They are not even spelled the same. Suchi is an underground bomb shelter located
beneath the Wrentham Development Center.
Why he is there, I have no idea.”
The sources have claimed that Roode 1 was so hurt by the
misplaced resentment for his absence that he put himself on the strictest
training regimen possible in order to be ready for the Summer Season. It has been reported that he has restricted
his diet to only include ground-powder from dried Yak testicles, and the urine
from the elusive Asper Mountain goat.
Apparently the Asper goat eats only a steady diet of mountain asparagus,
giving his urine the most horrific and pungent odor in the world. Sources say he believes this diet will get him
stronger faster. A local nutritionist threw-up when she heard what he was eating, so was unavailable for comment. It is also rumored that
he is taking Russian a military grade horse tranquilizer to ease the pain, and to
help him throw his legs over his head when he is snapping it.
In response, the team has reportedly decided to hoist his
jersey or ‘someone’s jersey’ to the top of the locker room for the next game,
or someone will just bring a 12-pack, either way the team will come together to
show its solidarity for their long-time goalie and friend. Roode 1 has been the face of the Penguins,
and that isn’t something this team will take lightly.
“I think we said he has a face like a Penguin,” admitted Feldman. “Not that he is the face of the Penguins. But either way he is our Penguin. He belongs between the pipes, not on the
pipe! There is always a spot for him in
the crease!”
Roode…Roode…Roode…
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