Foxboro, MA – The Penguins shat the ice last night in their season opener against the Chiefs. This loss marks the 2nd time in team history that the team has lost its first game of the season, and clearly highlights a concerning trend. Coach Douchey addressed the negativity head-on after the game:
“Hickey is not skating through that door, fans. Vaughan is not skating through that door. All the negativity that's in this town sucks! I've been around when Wilmont was booed. I've been around when Tragakis was booed. Hell I even booed them…I booed them tonight. I always boo them, and I’m booing them now. But if you think I'm going to succumb to negativity, you're wrong. You've got the wrong guy leading this team.”
Amid Coach Douchey’s rant on negativity, concern has been rampant as the trending losses appear to be medically or at least physically related. According to sources close to the organization, there is growing concern that a player or players may be suffering at this point from an unknown ailment.
“What we are seeing is completely shocking,” admitted Mitch Humpstein, Penguins spokesman. “Players are reporting in an hour before the game in peak-physical condition. However, it appears that approximately 20-minutes before getting to the locker room there is a significant drop in male testosterone. We have never seen this before and it is very alarming.”
Although these initial reports have yet to be fully analyzed, the issue seems to be rampant with at least one standout player. Typically this players is a first-line, top-notch player. However, there seems to be a lack of aggression and pure physicality on the ice as of late with this player, and it is causing concern.
“Seriously?!?” stated one visibly angry player who requested he remain anonymous. “You don’t expend “testosterone” before a game. That is a post-game thing. Everyone knows that! This is just [expletive] ridiculous! Who the hell does that??”
The issue is undergoing vigorous scrutiny within the organization, as all attempts are made to find the issue causing the drop in testosterone.
“All we know is this,” confided Dr. William Pocheman, team physician. “The players report in an hour before the game ready to play. Approximately 20 minutes before reporting to the locker room their testosterone counts are down. It really is perplexing.”
Most players refused to comment on this issue, however one player opened up.
“What?” questioned a visibly upset Gugs from his home. “Is it really so wrong? Why is everyone staring at me? What did I do? I can still play hockey!”
In what may be an unrelated matter, a number of Penguins’ players have reported missing hockey socks and t-shirts from their hockey-bags, and in some cases the locker room toilets have been clogged with various clothing articles immediately before game time.
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