Foxboro, MA – When the Penguins took the ice at Foxboro Ice Arena last night, long-time fan-favorite Todd Cronin skated with them for the first time, after having been sidelined for an undisclosed injury for the past 5 years. It is considered the longest rehab stint ever recorded in hockey, or in the entire history of sport. Although rumors have been swirling around the hockey community, the organization and Cronin himself have been tight-lipped over the reason for such a long absence.
“No one knows exactly what the issue seemed to be, or why he was out for so long,” admitted Greg France, reporter for Hockey Times Magazine. “What we do know is that he returned from California with a “friend” named Vishal, who was by his side the entire time and even helped him get dressed in the locker-room. The only differences we noticed with Cronin seemed to be he no longer had an Adam’s Apple, his ‘junk’ seemed to be removed as he no longer wears a cup, and his voice is about 8 octaves higher now. Oh yea, and he wears lots of women’s clothes. Other than that he skated very well!”
What Cronin brought to the game last night was a skill that had been missing from the team. Jumping into the first line, Cronin proved once again that it is not about scoring.
“Anyone can score,” noted Cronin after the game. “But to be able to skate an entire game and use your mad skills to not score? That is skill. That is what I bring to the game of hockey. That is why these fans love me. Any time I take the ice it looks like I’m going to score, but I don’t. I think that is what keeps the fans coming back!”
The addition of Cronin was a huge boost to the team, as a slew of players were unable to play due to injuries. Wilmot (back), Bilbo (I’m In now I’m Out Disease), Vaughn (hangover), Dimock (hangover) and Wallace (pebble) were all unable to play in the game.
“It was a really, really big pebble,” stated Larry Powers, Wallace’s agent. “The pebble was at least the size of a large splinter, so there was no way Wallace could play. The pebble got lodged in my client’s big toe and hurt like a dickens. The little fella needed a lollipop after that doctor’s visit I can tell you!”
The Penguins went into the game with high hopes, however they skated off the ice with their first 0-0 tie.
“It was a shut-out,” stated Roode 1 from the podium during his post-game press conference. “A shut-out is a shut-out. I tried to give my team a boost during the 2nd intermission, telling them all they needed to do was score some goals. I can’t do it all. I mean I can but it would not be fair to the other players. So I just shut those beatches down!”
Next up for the mighty Penguins is their vaunted rival Analog, who beat them with a score of 2-1 in their last match-up. All eyes will be on the team to see how they respond to Cronin’s new system of non-scoring; a system that will surely prove to be difficult in the coming years before his next return to the ice to skate with the team.
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