Canton, MA – The Penguins losing streak continued last night, as they were completely railroaded by the Herd, losing 6-2. The Penguins lackluster performance planted the team deep into a hole immediately after first puck-drop, and Phil the stand-in goalie was put to the test as he was peppered with shot after shot. Phil remained in the net even after players and fans alike volunteered to replace him.
“It was very sad,” commented Chad Buntington, an avid Penguins fan who was at the game. “Phil started weeping and urinating down his hockey socks. At that point I wrapped two towels around my shins and volunteered to get in net, but they wouldn’t let me.”
The loss marks the second straight non-win for the once mighty flightless birds, and was an absolute blow-out by all accounts. The only positive outcome of the game was that Wilmot scored both goals, with assists from Tragakis. Both players have gotten points in both of the last two games they skated on the same line.
“When Wilmot and Tragakis are teaming up to provide the scoring, you know something is wrong,” admitted Coach Douchey after the game. “That’s just plain awkward, that’s what that is. That shouldn’t happen. It kind of makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. I think I am going to hurl.”
The question at hand is how low will the Penguins sink before regaining their hockey prowess? The question has been discussed endlessly by the hockey community, with no answers forthcoming.
“It all comes down to babies and tattoos,” stated Roger Klinghizer, NESHL Sports Analyst. “The Penguins were a young team with young players. I mean aside from the really old guys on the team that is. Hell they needed step-up stools in the bathroom so some of the younger players could use the big-boy potty. But now they are all grown-up. Players are starting families and getting tribal tattoos. Right now their heads are not in the game; their heads are in the poopy diapers…and tribal tattoos.”
The Penguins have one week to get their heads out of their asses, and hopefully the swelling goes down on Almeida’s tramp-stamp, back tattoo so he can once again join his team on the ice.
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