Foxboro, MA – Penguins’ forward Almeida took the high-road last night, by turning the other cheek at the constant taunting and foul play by the grumpy old men on the Goochie’s Café squad, in order to step up his game and help the team to a 3-0 victory. This was the first game that Almeida did not see the inside of the penalty box, and marks a major shift in his hockey career.
“There is so much anger out there,” exclaimed Almeida, who was practicing the art of meditation after the game. “Just look at my fellow rookies, they are bitter, undisciplined…it is time that these guys took a page out of my book and just started ‘going with the flow’. Why can’t we all just get along and play some hockey?”
While a gentler Almeida took the ice, Andrews on the other hand channeled a combination of his brother “Sniper” and Lucifer and came down with a serious case of Tourette’s syndrome as he scored the first goal, and landed himself in the penalty box after an altercation on the ice.
“The old bastard on Goochie’s said he thought I was his son,” stated a disgruntled Andrews. “That [expletive] ain’t cool! I don’t care how old he is, I will beat [expletive] out of the old bastard! I hate old people…no offense to the really old guys on our team. The smell of mothballs just freaks me out, and the constant complaining of bladder control issues, erectile dysfunction and menopause on the bench is out of line! Well, to be fair, maybe that is just what I heard because I was sitting next to Wilmot, but in any case it is wrong!”
The night seemed liked it was heading in the wrong direction immediately after the puck drop, when Goochies Café came out firing on all cylinders, and gave the Penguins as much as they could handle. However, a well-timed ‘time-out’ was called by Roode 1, where he reminded the team something about something…no one is quite sure what he said, but it must have been powerful, as the team came out in the 3rd shift of the night going up 1-0 on Baby Sniper’s blast from the blue-line.
“I don’t know what Roode 1 said,” admitted Sherwood later that night. “No one does. And to be honest it really doesn’t matter because we don’t listen to him when he runs his suck-hole anyway. Blah, blah blah is all I heard. The reason we played better was because the Young Guns were on the 3rd line, so the minute they hit the ice the momentum shifted, because that is where the talent is.”
In the second period, Almeida added to the lead with a breakaway goal that put the Penguins up 2-0. Although the team was clicking there were still some points of confusion.
“I thought Youngblood yelled ‘Here’s the puck, ice it!’, so of course I let his pass go around the boards untouched,” stated Tragakis during his post-game press conference. “However, as it turns out I guess he said ‘Here’s the puck, ass-hole!’. In retrospect I should have taken the puck off the boards….but you can see my confusion. There is a lot of yelling out there and we don’t have any set plays, so the whole thing was scary.”
To cap the night off, Moura picked-up his first goal and point of the season by picking up the garbage in front of the net and cramming it into the top right corner of the net, off of blistering shot from Youngblood.
“It was beauty, heh?,” Moura was heard saying to Bilbo on the bench during the game. “Let us play some Celine Dion on the way home tonight, no! She is magnificent, much like my goal! We are lucky to have Celine! I am puck, heh!”
The Penguins next play the Scorpions, who beat the crap out of them with a 4-0 win in the first game of the season. The Penguins will have their work cut out for them if they want to continue their winning ways, especially if all the young guys are in the penalty box.
This is awesome!
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