Foxboro, MA – The Penguins won in dramatic fashion last night against their vaunted division rivals Goochies Café, giving the Penguins their first win of the season.
“Holy [expletive],” exclaimed Penguin’s Coach Jacques Douchey, from his home in Toronto. “They won? I mean we won?! What day is today? Is it there a November Fools Day down there in the U.S.? They actually won a [expletive] game?! I think I just soiled myself!”
With the NHL lockout, more attention than ever has been paid to the Penguins, and fans and players alike reacted with similar disbelief over the team’s hard fought win. The Penguins had been winless in their first five games, leaving all to wonder if the end was near for the storied franchise.
“We took a look at all options,” admitted Tragakis after the win. “More beer, weed, crack, you name it and we looked at it to stop the pain. In the off-season we even acquired some young talent, however these young guys were racking up PIM instead of points. It wasn’t looking good. Now that we got a point out of Sniper 2, hell we can check-out of the Betty Ford clinic and play some damn hockey!”
Goochies got off to an early lead, scoring their first and only goal of the game four minutes into the 1st period. But Sniper 2 refused to roll-over and die like all the previous games, and got his first point of the season, with a blistering slap shot from the blue-line which tied the game. The laser-beam of a shot rocked the goalie back in his skates, and nearly took the netting off the posts.
“Please refer to me as President Roode from now on,” stated Roode 1, who was asked for his comment on the goal. “After thirteen grueling years of umpiring 3-year old girl’s T-Ball games, I have been elected President! It is strange that it only took everyone else six-months to get elected, but never mind that, this T-Ball league will never be umpired as well as when I am officially in place!”
The game remained tied until the 3rd period when Roode 2 got into the scoring mix to give the Penguins the lead. This one goal lead was all that remained between a tie and the Penguins first win, until Wilmot scored an empty netter to close out the game.
“Heyyyyy,” chanted Wilmot from the podium. “I cannot continue to carry this team. I am going to need other players to step up and help out. I am leading the team in points…holy [expletive], I’m leading this team in points! Take me to a rest stop at three-in-the-morning, I am a point leader!”
Although the team was elated with the win, disparaging news has surfaced in the midst of the widespread joy. It is rumored that a certain player on the team has not only frequented Goochie’s Café, but is also the head of the the Goochie’s Café fan club, known as Goochie’s Gonads. The Penguins’ front-office would not comment directly, but had the following written statement:
“We have reason to believe at this time that one player is a Goochie Gonad. This player may be responsible for trying to throw the games by intentionally playing a rather old-man-esque style of hockey lacking skill, agility, speed, endurance and motivation. It was assumed that he was just a really bad hockey player, but then we remembered he is from Canada, so we are now thinking he is intentionally sabotaging the team. The name of this player will not be revealed until we have had sufficient time to speak with him at one of the Dunkin Donuts stores that he owns.”
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