Penguins Struggles Continue

Canton, MA – The Penguins dropped their game last night against the upstart Goochie’s Café, making them winless in the first two games of the Winter Season, and leaving the team scrambling to find its identity on the ice. New players are trying to fit in while old players are left wondering what line they are supposed to play on. Losses can build character, and give a team the sense of urgency that it needs in order to overcome complacency and give the extra effort required to succeed. Losses can also tear a team apart, as it is in the case of the Penguins.


Last night the Penguins solidarity quickly eroded in front of a sold-out crowd, with player turning on player leaving all to wonder if they would make it off the ice alive. Roode 1 began chastising the team early telling everyone that the fact they were losing by one goal was ‘embarrassing’.

“Roode 1 is a very passionate player,” stated Jonathon Summers, spokesman for the Penguins. “Sometimes he calls out players….well, actually he always calls out players for their lack of performance, or sometimes just because he has thrown back a few too many beers before the game. It is his way of saying ‘hey, don’t worry about the number of goals I let in, it’s not me, it’s you!’.” It really pisses off the players to be honest, and doesn’t motivate anyone, but he doesn’t seem to know any better.”

Even though the Penguins were in the hunt for the entire game, the wheels came-off emotionally with no one knowing which line they were on, and the five-man rotation causing trauma on the defensive end of the bench. The offense was no better, with players unable to gain control of their bodily functions with all the confusion.

“Sandusky is innocent, Sandusky is innocent,” players heard a catatonic Wilmot mumble over and over again while sitting on the bench. Wilmot missed eight shifts on the night when is abacus broke and he was unable to crack the code on shift rotations. Both Tags 2 and Wilmot’s bowels let loose in the 2nd period, as they lost their will to survive when newbie Roode 3 got off the ice early, leaving all lines in influx, and Almeida jumped in to play offense.

“In Tags 2 case, it comes down to a very unique situation,” continued Summers. “He has a friend named Talbot…well to be clear he has an invisible friend named Talbot. We put his name on the roster, and act like he is real, but of course it is causing some issues with the rest of the team. But Tags 2 talks to his invisible friend on the bench, and they talk about hockey and plotting the deaths of the rest of their teammates. We are not sure if it is healthy, but so far it has kept him off the crack-pipe.”

Another issue is that rearing its ugly head, is that the new guys (Sniper 2 and Roode 3) were brought in to provide scoring power, and so far they have been unable to find the back of the net.

“Actually, they were brought in because we needed the money,” stated Tragakis. “If they pay in full that would be huge, if they can score that would be a bonus!

Two games into the season and the fans, players and entire organization are struggling to put the puzzle pieces back together. All are left wondering if this is the end of an era, or if like the Phoenix, the Penguins will rise-up from ashes and soar once again.

“It is time for this team to pull together,” demanded an emotional Coach Jacques Douchey from his office in Toronto. “It is time for the Penguins to put down their differences, stop pointing the finger at the other guy, and come together as one single Penguin. This game is supposed to be fun. Win or lose this team must come together! The only thing missing is the 12-pack of beer. Who is bringing the beer next week?”