The Penguins Advance

Foxboro, MA – Wearing nothing but a grungy jock-strap, dark-sunglasses and sporting a pipe, Rob Tenaglia took to the podium for his post-game press conference having just shocked the world. With just 1:16 gone in the heated over-time period, Tenaglia “Mr. Clutch” buried the biscuit in the basket, giving the Penguins their first win in five wins and a chance to move on in the playoffs.


“Mr. Clutch expects nothing less from himself,” began Tenaglia, speaking of himself in the third-person. “Mr. Clutch is a ‘gamer’. Why waste time scoring goals during the regular season? What an utter waste of time. Let’s not kid ourselves, this is why the Penguins recruited me…I mean recruited Mr. Clutch. I may choose to shut-it down again after this game, we’ll see. Only Clutch knows what Clutch does.”

The contest between the two teams was locked in a 1-1 stalemate after the first period, and Tenaglia’s goal sent a jubilant Penguins team onto the second round of the playoffs.

However, the team got to the OT period with a goal from Roode 2, who started the scoring off with a blistering shot into the top right corner in the 1st period. The goal was made possible in part by the screening-genius of Tragakis, who took in a rather large breath of air in order to block the goalie’s view of the entire rink.

“It’s all he’s got,” admitted Coach Douchey. “He can’t skate, he can’t puck handle, but he can screen like a mother-[expletive]! He seems to screen not only the opposing goalie, but our goalie too. In fact, he seems to screen our entire team…we have been working with him on that, but he just doesn’t seem to get it.”

The win gives the Penguins life, and moves them to the second-round of the playoffs where their opponent has yet to be determined. Unfortunately, the NESHL has once again created a playoff schedule that is unreadable by the naked-eye, and requires months of intensive archeological study of the Rosetta Stone in order to decipher. In short, the Penguins will play on Monday September 24th at either 9:20pm or 10:10pm.

Interestingly, a rookie player for the Penguins is taking credit for the win, and claims to have brought the winning touch into the locker room with his pre-game visit.

“I plan on bringing my equipment to every game,” stated Greg Shore, who showed-up to the locker room with his full equipment even though he was ineligible to play in the game. “That’s how much being on this team means to me. I will bring my equipment to the rink whether I am playing or not. They won didn’t they? Would they have won if I didn’t show-up with all my gear, only to leave after sitting for five-minutes?? I don’t think so!”