Walpole, MA – After being tossed from the playoffs by the Scorpions, the poster-children for Erectile-Dysfunction, the Penguins entered the off-season looking to recharge their batteries and mentally check-out for a while and get away from the hockey grind. However, the initial joy of off-season relaxation can quickly turn to boredom, leaving the players chomping-at-the bit to get back onto the ice.
“I’m ready,” admitted Youngblood, who had spent his off-season relaxing at home. “It has been a solid two days off, and by the time our first game rolls around it will be a solid week. I’m ready to get back to hockey to be honest. We left it all out on the ice during the playoffs, and it has taken a while, but I am really looking forward to getting back on the ice and seeing the guys again.”
The Penguins’ championship dreams were crushed when they were unable to convert on their numerous scoring opportunities, and basically handed the game to the Scorpions who as noted before are the poster-children for Erectile-Dysfunction. The sadness that accompanied the season-ending game has now been replaced with electricity that can be felt throughout the entire facility.
“We are pumped and we are jacked,” stated a jubilant Wilmont. “The offseason just gets old after a while, and everyone, including our family just wants us back on the ice. As I missed the final game of the season, my off-season has been two-weeks, and that is way too long! I am looking forward to seeing everyone in the locker-room…especially in the showers!”
The Penguins have re-tooled over the off-season, bringing in new talent across the board, including Greg Shore, Mike Talbot and Nick Almeida. As the new players join the veterans for the Winter Season, all eyes will be on the team to see how they gel coming out of the gate.
“Those crazy bastards are just about the best thing I’ve got going on right now,” answered Roode 2, who spent his off-season meeting with a Lactation Specialist in order to fully understand the art of proper breast-feeding. “My contract is only good for half the season and I pray to the God’s of Hockey that I can continue after that. I don’t even know what I’m in for with changing a poopy diaper…but I’m damn sure I’d rather be playing hockey.”
With the upcoming season upon them, the NESHL has made it clear that they will not change their current setup no matter how asenine.
“Unlike the NFL we will keep our replacement referees,” commented John Galvin, spokesman for the league. “We never had real referees, so we are partial to these replacements. They have never had any formal training, or even a high-level overview of the game, and we want to keep it that way. Besides, who else will hire them? Additionally, the NESHL promises to continue its tradition of scheduling absolutely ridiculously late game times for all teams except for Lawler’s team. It is a tradition the league is very proud of!”
The Penguins will start their season off facing the Summer Champion the Scorpions, who will simply be referred to as ED from now on. There is no love lost between these teams and the expectation is that there will be a playoff atmosphere in the air when the puck drops next Monday night.
No comments:
Post a Comment