Penguins Win (and no this is not a typo)

Foxboro, MA – The Penguins win! Holy &^%$#@! The Penguins win! Glory, glory hallelujah! The Penguins finally win a game! With two goals apiece coming from Hickey and Sniper, and solo shot from Youngblood, the Penguins stopped the bleeding and won their first game in the last six attempts. Coach Douchey set the tempo with his pre-game speech that motivated not only the team, but all of America.


“I have just one request tonight,” stated Coach Jacques Douchey to his team before the game. “I'd like Jim Lawler, commissioner of the NESHL, right here tonight. I want him brought from his team's bench along with all the other Maple Leafs players and I want them brought to center ice, with a big ribbon on their heads, and I want to look them straight in the eye and I want to tell them what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shits they are! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?”

After the win, the Penguins legal team began fervently searching for a loop-hole, in order to end the season early.

“It is too much to ask our team to win two in a row,” admitted Jerry Rogers, Penguins attorney. “If we can find a way to end the season now, it will give the team a great sense of accomplishment, and give us a win heading into the playoffs. That’s just how we roll!”

Barring any legal loop-hole, the Penguins will look toward their next opponent, the nasty Narwhals, to continue their winning ways. The Narwhals may have a surprise in store, as rumors are swirling that Eggman, formerly Jefe Del Huevo, now referred to as Prostituta Del Huevo, may be rejoining the team. After undergoing a series of ‘minor’ operations including liposuction, laser hair removal, plastic surgery and the removal of his ‘junk’, Prostituta Del Huevo could possibly rejoin the team highlighting the co-ed brand of hockey that has been missing since Curchin left.

“The good news is I don’t’ need a cup anymore,” commented Prostituta Del Huevo. “Think of the savings? I used to go through 3-4 cups a game, and now I can save all that money and put it into more surgery to get a breast reduction and a butt reduction, so I look like a real woman! Hear me roar!  Prostituta Del Huevo has spoken!”