Penguins Man-Up

Walpole, MA – The Penguins didn’t make things easy for themselves last night, when they spotted the Scorpions five goals in the first period, leaving little wiggle room in their attempt to continue their non-losing ways. But living between a rock-and-a-hard-place is how these Penguins’ players roll, and the five goal deficit did nothing to fluster these veterans.


“Are you [expletive] kidding me?” stammered an angry Sniper after the game. “If the Scorpion’s goalie would have just left the net open to check his fuzzy ball-bag during a face-off, like my boy Roode-1, I could have had a goal! Not sure why they didn’t leave the net open like we did. It would have been a nice show of solidarity!”

In the first period the Scorpions racked-up goals with Roman and Sparks each getting a goal, and Marchant greedily grabbing a 1st period hat-trick with three goals of his own. One of the goals came off the face-off, where Roode 1 decided to leave the net to either adjust his nut-sack, or because he was having a relapse from his 17 concussions this season. There is also a rumor that he was practicing his proposal to his girlfriend, although none of these reasons can be confirmed.

“Something is really wrong with that man,” stated Tragakis during his post-game press conference. “Don’t get me wrong, no one was really upset that he left the net since it is debatable how much he does in the net anyway. The problem is he brought warm beer. Who in their right mind brings warm beer to a locker room? It is beyond me.”

At the end of the 1st period, the Penguins finally got on the board when with 22 seconds to play in the period, Sherwood on the Old Man Line scored to drop the deficit to four goals. In the 2nd period, Tragakis, also on the Old Man Line, scored a goal to bringing a glimmer of hope and making the score 5-2.

But the momentum swung back the Scorpion’s way when Levine scored the 6th and final goal for the Scorpions. Some teams would have crumbled. Some teams would have withered and ripped their scrotums off and died. But not the Penguins! What the Penguins did was beyond comprehension to an ordinary man. With their hands tied securely behind their backs and the blind-fold in place, the Penguins appeared to be ready for their eminent end. Instead, the Penguins ripped the shackles from their bodies, and tore the blind-folds off their eyes in order to go Ninja on their unsuspecting opponent in order to rip the still beating heart out of the Scorpions chest cavity.

In the 3rd period, Hickey, Youngblood, Bilbo (Old Man Line) and Lutfy (Old Man Line) kicked the living [expletive] out of the bewildered Scorpions, with each man scoring a goal, and shoving a stake into the flailing, decrepit body of the once powerful Scorpions team.

“Anyone can lose a game,” admitted Coach Jacques Douchey. “In fact anyone can win a game too. You can score less goals you can score more goals, that is easy. But to score the exact same number of goals as your opponent? That is talent. This team can tie like a mother-[expletive]! And that is what we want to see damn it!”