Foxboro - John Lutfy put on a hockey exhibition last night, scoring his first hat-trick, and leading the Penguins to a 7-5 loss. Sources close to the team admitted that Lutfy had been holding back on scoring until the appropriate time in the season, and according to those sources, the return of Sniper was just the right time.
“He is very short,” noted Lutfy after the game. “I mean he is the shortest guy on our team at 5’ 8” tall, so I wanted to give him a boost. By scoring three goals I must have made him feel as tall as Tragakis. I think that will give him a whole new perspective on things!”
Youngblood also put on a scoring clinic with two goals of his own, giving the Penguins a total of five-goals – giving the team the two-goal deficit that they would need in order to not win the game.
“I did what I had to do beatch!” shouted a jubilant Youngblood, who was busy pounding beers in the parking lot. “Sniper this, Sniper that! Youngblood is also 5’ 8”, but scores like he is 5’ 9”! I will not be denied!”
In net for the Penguins was third-timer Mike “Give Me a Break” Lewis, who managed to stop over one-hundred shots and only let in seven. According to the statistics, Lewis has racked-up more saves (475) in his three games with the team, than any other goalie in the history of the league.
“His contract is very clear,” stated Lewis’ agent, Don Pardeaux. “He needs the team to provide some form of defense throughout the game. Time after time, he is getting shelled in there! He is suffering from PTGS [Post Traumatic Goalie Syndrome], and has been in and out of therapy since his first game with the team. At night he screams a lot, and kicks his wife as he blocks imaginary shots in his nightmares. It is really sad!”
The Penguins are currently at .500 on the season and determined to turn things around.
“Sean Hickey is not walking through that door, fans,” stated coach Douchey from his home in Toronto. “Nick Almeida is not walking through that door, and oddly enough Pat Hickey is not walking through that door. And if you expect them to walk through that door, you are a jackass. What we are is an old, hard-working, less skilled team and we might improve. People don't realize that, and as soon as they realize those three guys are not coming through that door, the better this town will be for all of us because there are old guys in that locker-room playing their skill-less asses off. I wish there was another way to get some ringers, I wish we could buy the world. We can't; the only thing we can do is work hard, and all the negativity that's in this town sucks. I've been around when Ryan Curchin was booed, and believe me that was a lot. Hell, even I booed him! I've been around when Curhin was booed…er…did I already mention that? He was booed a lot! But it stinks. It makes the greatest town, greatest city in the world, lousy. The only thing that will turn this around is being upbeat and positive like we are after the game when someone remembers to bring beers... and if you think I'm going to succumb to negativity, you're wrong…at least in front of the media. I mean honestly, this sucks and I wish those crazy bastards were walking through that door!”
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