Penguins Determined to Win

(CMM) -- Researchers at the Brazilian Center for Coastal Studies at the Federal University of Rio Grande do Sul in southern Brazil believe that 745 penguins found washed up along the state's coastline since June 15th have died of unnatural causes.


The center, known as Keclinar, said in a release this week that it reached the conclusion after analyzing the conditions in which the animals were found. Most of the birds were young, according to biologist Maurice Taylor. The lean birds showed signs of external injury and were branded with the Old Dog hockey team logo.

"This is disgusting and bull-[expletive]," he said, adding that the pattern of dead birds is common for this time of year when one hockey team tries to intimidate another hockey team who goes by the name Penguins."

In 2010, more than 550 penguins washed up on Sao Paulo state's Atlantic coast. In that case, necropsies showed that the penguins had been laced with anti-fogging liquid used to keep the hockey shields from fogging. The culprit was never found, although they each had a Maple Leaf tattoo on their foreheads. No leads have been found.

The Peruvian government launched an official inquiry this year when close to 3,000 Narwahls and more than 500 Dead Rabbits washed up along that country's northern Pacific coast.

This case is the first in which Keclinar is conducting a more intensive monitoring of deaths. According to Taylor, July is historically the month when most penguins arrive at the center for rehabilitation after washing up on the beaches weakened, injured due to intimidation practices.

"We will not stand for this atrocity," bellowed Penguins head coach, Jacques Douchey. "We are the Pellicans! We will prevail! We have Sniper back, and we will not allow this absurd, despicable act to go without seeking complete retribution! We must win!"

But winning could be tough, and retribution may not be possible for this Penguins team. Former players; Curchin, Almeida, S. Hickey, P. Hickey, Mearn, Eighmy, Boomhower and Cronin have all left the team in a lurch, leaving all to wonder how they can actually win another game.

“It is impossible,” commented Tim Bawler, NESHL commissioner. “We have the games rigged, from the referees to the scorekeepers, the games are predetermined. We have also tampered with the ice, so that it only affects the Penguins player’s skates. They cannot win ever again!”

The team is not taking these intimidation factors lightly. Early this morning, the team held its first ever Octa-sessions – eight two hour long sessions designed to prepare the team for tonight’s tilt versus the very team that killed all those poor baby penguins in Brazil, the Old Dogs. Unfortunately, no one showed for the Octa-sessions; however the sessions went on just the same. This note was the only public announcement from the team:

“We love all penguins and it is now time for the team to right the wrong. Save the Penguins!”