Penguins Rock Iorio!

The world as we know it is gone. The stock market has been spiraling out of control, sources of energy are nearly depleted, fires are raging across the United States, and Roger Clemens all but walked out of the Senate Hearing Committee perjury trial with a dirty syringe sticking out of his ass cheek. But last night, one night, for a brief moment in time the chaos took a sabbatical as the Penguins pulled out the win of the century.


With a 1 minute and 50 seconds to go in the game, the upstart Narwhals tied the game at two-apiece, leaving the Penguins players reeling both on the ice and on the bench. All hope was nearly lost when 40 seconds later Pat Hickey was erroneously called for a tripping penalty, leaving the Penguins short-handed with a little over a minute to play in the game.

“I had faith in my brother,” exclaimed R-Tags, Youngblood’s older brother. “I knew as I sat there on the bench that if there was one person that could win this game for us, it was Hickey. But if Hickey couldn’t do it, there was always the other Hickey and Wilmot. Wilmot has been hot lately, and inspiration to all those who cannot skate. Then of course is my brother. Youngblood is my hero, and I knew that if all else failed, and if no one else stepped up, that he would!”

With 40-seconds to go in the game, Younglood delivered like never before. Short-handed and with their backs against the wall, Youngblood skated coast to coast, and snapped a wrist-shot over the goalies outstretched glove, giving the Penguins the lead, a lead that they would not relinquish no matter how hard they tried in the final seconds.

“I’m just one man,” stated Youngblood during his post-game press conference. “We have other guys on this team, it just so happens that tonight they don’t matter. What does matter is me…and my goal…which was awesome! I will carry this team on my back if I have too! It won’t be the first time, and it won’t be the last!”

The Penguins have improved their record to 5-1 and take on the scrappy Scorpions next week at the Iorio Ice Dome. With players such as Almeida and Curchin leaving the team, and rumors of Roode moving to Louisiana to start breast-feeding young Cajun children, the team must overcome all obstacles, including embarrassment.

“What is so embarrassing about a man breast feeding?” asked Roode after the game. “I have had milk-ducts surgically implanted into my breasts and can now feed hungry children, goats and kittens. This is what my girlfriend wanted, so who am I to question this decision?!?”