Penguins’ Mass Exodus Continues

At the beginning of the season, it looked as if ice-time would be a rare commodity for the Penguins’ players. With fifteen players listed on the roster, it was looking like there would be three full lines on offense and another three full lines on defense, resulting in two shifts per period for each line during a period.

“I was concerned,” admitted Mick Dolan, Penguins General Manager. “We were looking into installing heated benches and a Jacuzzi hot-tub behind the bench so players could stay warm and wouldn’t tighten up in between shifts. We even looked into having a certain Canadian player rub everyone’s Cruller during the game to keep them warm, but I guess that is not necessary anymore.”

Instead of overcrowding being an issue, it is now more likely that players will require oxygen on the bench, as a mass exodus of players has plagued the organization. Players such as Almeida, Curchin, and Sean Hickey had already announced their departure from the team, when Pat Hickey also threw in the towel with his announcement last night.

“At first I said I was in,” stated the youngster Pat Hickey, from his home. “But then I realized Sean wasn’t going to be there, so I decided to bail. I’m not comfortable skating without him. He is the wind beneath my wings. Not to mention that I don’t have my license and I don’t have a ride to the rink without him.”

Coupled with this news, the latest to come out of the organization is that other players are leaving the team as well, including big Matty, who apparently played his last game last night. According to team sources, Dimock decided to hang-up his skates, after breaking a team record.

“I want to thank my family and friends for all their support,” said Dimock during his post-game press-conference. “As I have now been thrown out of a record twenty-seven games, which beats the previous record by around twenty-four games, I will no longer play the game of hockey. I will now turn my attention to my other passion, baking and flash mobs. I am planning on combining these hobbies with an amazing one-man flash mob to be held at a Walpole bakery in the coming future.”

Dimock’s departure makes a total of five players to leave the team in the past few weeks, but much to the dismay of the Penguins’ players, this may not be all. The latest rumor to come out of the organization has indicated that Rob Tenaglia is tired of playing in his brother’s shadow, and has also decided to call it quits. Although this rumor cannot be corroborated, he did not show for the game last night and gave no reason for his absence.

“The team grew too big too fast,” stated one source who wished to remain anonymous. “There was no way the Penguins could maintain that growth without some form of backlash. It is the end of the world as we know it.”

The Penguins are down but not out completely just yet. If they can get a handful of more players, there is a chance they can get into the 3-on-3 hockey league that plays on the mini-ice at Boch arena in Dedham.