Hickey Announces Departure

First there was Tim Thomas who decided to take the season off and now it is Sean Hickey. Thomas sited the three F's - family, friends and faith. For Hickey it is the three B's - booze, babes and bestiality.


"We never saw it coming," admitted Tragakis when he heard the news. "I mean we clearly knew about the bestiality, but we never saw him even talking with a girl or even looking at a beer without getting sick! I still don’t believe it!"

Hickey announced he would be leaving the Penguins after next week's game, heading to Virginia where he will also begin writing his manifesto.

"Apparently he has been having some really, really dark thoughts,” stated Burt Glaser, Hickey’s former psychologist. “He is feeling the pressure for what he has called ‘carrying the team’, and in short it has caused major psychological issues. He is moving to Virginia to live in a cabin in the forest, where he will write his manifesto about how he will destroy the NESHL, player by player, starting of course with the Penguins. I have already contacted the authorities.”

Hickey has been unavailable for comment, and his agent is now in the Witness Protection Program, and also unavailable for comment. However, the agent’s agent had this to say:

“I really don’t know what I am talking about at this time,” admitted Lou Jacobsen. “I’m not even sure who I represent anymore. At this point, and based on the threats I am getting from Hickey, I will also be entering the WPP.”

Although Hickey had been a well-respected player on the team, it is believed that the environment in the locker-room is now ‘toxic’. It was originally thought that this was due to a lack of communication across the organization, but now sources have indicated that it is because of Hickey.

“It is definitely Hickey,” said Curchin, from his new home in Houston. “You can see that things are better now that he is gone, or going I should say. It just so happens that the toxicity level got better when I left, but it is clearly Hickey’s fault. I wish I were there to witness it in person.”

This year marks a mass exodus of players from the Penguins, including Almeida, Curchin and now Hickey. Rumors of a Roode 1 departure are also running rampant in the Penguins hallways. 

On a side note, Hickey also announced his recent engagement, leaving all to wonder if he is now ‘whipped’ and forced to move to Louisiana or Virginia, like other players on the team, in order to make his fiance happy. No one knows. The only thing that the Penguins are sure about is that they will need to play at a higher level in order to avoid a move down to the D level.