Penguins Win, Team Doctors Concerned

East versus west. Good versus evil. Apple pie versus Golubzy cabbage rolls. Call it what you will, but when America’s team the Penguins takes on the mad-Russian Spartans team, it is bigger than hockey itself. It becomes one nation pitted against another nation, with this time America coming out on top! The two teams kicked-off the 2012 Summer Season in dramatic fashion, with the Penguins stealing a 4-2 victory in their first match-up of the season.

“It just felt good to get back out on the ice,” commented veteran defenseman Sean Kenney after the game. “I haven’t skated or exercised in easily six months, so just finding my skates was tiring! It is good to get that first game under my belt though, so now I can skip the next 10 or so games and miss the playoffs again!”

The game became volatile early on, when Russian fans threw Molotov Cocktails down onto the American fans, who in turn proceeded to beat the living crap out of the terrorist commies. Once the rebellion had been quelled, all eyes turned to the tilt on the ice. Although the Spartans had re-stocked their team with more communists, the Penguins had also re-stocked with the “Rhode Island Red” Nick Almeida. Almeida who turns 16 this Friday, is the youngest player to ever play in a men’s league without his parent’s permission.

“Actually I am 20,” Almeida explained. “And I do have my parent’s permission! I just don’t understand anything about this men’s league hockey! Does anyone actually play a position? Has anyone ever heard of puck-handling? Why does the old guy Wilmot keep asking if I want to take a shower with him?”

The Penguins proceeded to get on the board first when the Hickey, Hickey, Bilbo line took the ice and the Hickey’s played their favorite brotherly game, called; “Where’s the puck? Oh yea, it’s in your net bitch!”. They played this game twice in the night, with one coming off a solo-goal from big brother Sean.

All-American Youngblood took matters into his own hands during the game, scoring two goals, one off of a tremendous assist by Tragakis.”

“Who assisted?” asked Youngblood. “Was Tragakis even on the ice…”

“I want to thank my family, my friends and most of all my Squirt hockey coach,” interrupted Tragakis from his locker. “Sorry Youngblood let me take it from here. Yes I assisted on that goal, I’m sure I touched or saw the puck go by, but that is not important right now. As my Squirt hockey coach once said, Tragakis don’t hurt yourself…which I think he meant in a positive way. In any case, what an assist! I will be signing pucks all night!”

Sadly, a Penguins win is once again followed by serious news. This time Roode 2 is under medical evaluation, and not expected to play hockey ever again.

“I can’t comment at this time on Roode 2’s condition,” stated Doctor Pucker, at the Foxboro Medical Center. “He is currently undergoing a series of psychological evaluations. As we understand it, he was threatened and challenged to fight on the ice and he…well…backed down. We are on unfamiliar ground right now, and unsure of what this could mean. We would expect him to retaliate in some way, even if it were just a simple tomahawk stick to the challenger’s head. So clearly something is wrong…we even understand that he said he was ‘maturing’ after the game…so either his ovaries are enlarged, or we may need to call a priest in, as he may just be possessed! Our thoughts and prayers are with his family right now, who must be beside themselves with concern and utter embarrassment.”