With the way Johnny Wilmont has been scoring, people have long suspected that there is a dark secret behind his success on the ice. That secret was revealed last night, after the Penguins beat the Maple Leafs by a score of 4-3.
“We did not feel that it was appropriate to make a public statement before the game,” stated Tony Delmonte, spokesman for the team. “We felt that it would have been a major distraction to the players and the coaching staff, and therefore we asked that the statement be made after the game.”
It was originally suspected that Wilmont’s awkward skating, and painful stick-play on the ice were a sure sign of a serious undiagnosed disability. However, as he has securely moved into 3rd place in the standings, directly behind the two Hickey brothers, many began to suspect that there was a much more sinister reason for his newborn foal-like antics on the ice.
“He is a damn sand-baggah,” commented one source with a heavy Boston accent, who wished to remain anonymous. “Wilmont is a sand-baggah and the whole friggin’ team is a bunch of A-holes! I wouldn’t be surprised if Wilmont played semi-pro, that rat-bastahd!”
Although this source voiced the opinion of many an opponent in the NESHL, the reason for Wilmont’s success is no evil plot at all, but a circumstance of origin.
“After conducting an intensive genealogical review or Mr. John P. Wilmont,” stated Robert Montgomery, Head of Hockey Genealogical Association. “We were able to determine, without a doubt, that Mr. Wilmont is actually a Hickey. To be more precise, he is 1/32nd Hickey. In our study, we determined that dating back to Medieval times, a young princess named Josephine Hickey, had an affair with a young gigolo at the time named Lawrence ‘The Luscious’ Wilmont. Of course at that time such things were unheard of, and Josephine kept the affair a secret.”
In Josehine’s journal, it was determined that she had given birth to a ‘gawky, awkward looking baby that had an uncanny ability to put the ‘biscuit in the basket’, when playing a game that loosely resembled an ancient version of hockey. The baby was so freakishly awkward, that Josephine left the baby in the woods, where a family of trolls took the baby in and named the baby ‘John’.
“This would have been John’s Great-great-great-great-great-great-great…great-great grandfather,” continued Montgomery. “It is really a quite remarkable story, if you think about it. Mr. Wilmont is 1/32nd Hickey, and therefore has the ability to score at will, even though he has no skill whatsoever. It really is amazing!”
After this announcement, it was all tears at the Hickey home, where the entire family packed their bags and has been in hiding ever since the news broke. Apparently the news that Wilmont was one of their own, will take some time for them to digest.
“These results are non-conclusive,” commented Benjamin Diamond, attorney for the Hickeys. “The Hickey family wants a recount…or another blood test…or something damn it! This is bull-[expletive]! There is no way that [expletive], son-of-a-[expletive], is even [expletive] remotely related to the Hickeys!”
After last night’s goal and two assists, it is becoming more and more difficult to disprove these findings.
“It will either be John Wilmont-Hickey, or John Hickey-Wilmont,” remarked Wilmont. “I’m not sure yet. I like them both to be honest! I could even change my first name to Hickey, and make it Hickey Wilmont-Hickey or something like that! I'm just so excited to be associated with anyone!”
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