Penguins Tame the Herd

Foxboro, MA – Amid a melee of violence, the Provo Penguins endured unparalleled anarchy on the ice in order to beat the Herd in the first round of the playoffs. With a score of 5-4 the Penguins skated off the ice victorious after what is now being called the “Devastation in Foxboro Nation”.

“We were called in to the Foxboro arena before the puck was even dropped,” stated Dick Hertzhim, Foxboro Chief of Police. “Apparently things got ugly in the parking lot, strangely the exchange took place between players on the same team. We are still going through the details, but it appears that a Penguins player, Kenney, wanted to play in the night’s game, but did not play in enough games during the season. In any case, he was screaming in despair and running around the parking lot naked, rubbing himself on his teammate’s hockey bags, and pulling out his own back hair. He left quite a mess over there, and they are still cleaning it up now.”

Youngblood started the scoring off with a run down the entire length of ice, and sending a blast past the goalie, giving the Penguins a lead that they would never relinquish.

“I was maybe 20 yards behind him,” admitted Tragakis after the game. “I’m not sure why he did not pass the puck to me, I was yelling for it the whole time. Next time it might make sense to pass the puck backwards to me, so I can take the shot. Who cares if I haven’t crossed the blue-line when he gets up ice that fast? I’m still in a good position in the neutral zone to take the shot!”

With the first goal deposited, the flood gates opened, and in between the on-ice assaults, the Penguins continued to score early and often.

“I was in the zone,” Hickey remarked while he sat huddled in a dark corner of the locker room, sharpening his stick-blade, and smearing what appeared to be goat’s blood on his face. “What is reality? I've seen hockey... hockey that you've never seen. You have to play hockey with morals... and at the same time be able to utilize your primordial instincts to play without feeling... without passion... without judgment... without judgment, because it's judgment that defeats us!”

With the win the Penguins will next face the Old Dogs at 9:20pm in Foxboro. This next game will surely be the biggest of their lives!