Penguins Win Attracts Buyer

Foxboro, MA – The Provo Penguins dismantled the once league-dominant Analog team, by a score of 3-2 last night at the Foxboro Sports Center. The victory marks two in a row for the Penguins, and marks the first time the team has won back-to-back games since January 3rd. Goals were scored by Wilmot, Youngblood and S-Hickey, much to the delight of players and fans.

But what is most interesting about this win, is the attention it has raised with a currently unknown suitor who has allegedly emerged, looking to buy the team and move them to Dedham.

“If you have the cash, this is the team to be looking at,” commented Tom Kankers, Senior Hockey Insider Times Magazine (S.H.I.T.M.). “Here is a team with players like Rob Tenaglia, who proved his dominance going both ways last night. He is as strong offensively as he is defensively, which is very cool. And of course you have players like Wilmot who are scoring at will on other teams. These two are the future of the franchise.”

The alleged purchase of the team was leaked to the media last night, however very little is known about the deal at this time.

“It appears that a very rich, very eccentric person with the initials EBJ has reached out in order to make a deal and purchase the team,” stated a source close to the Penguins. “What we know is that he owns many car dealerships in the local area and plays in a band. However, we have no idea who he is at this time.”

Along with the potential purchase, a few specifics were leaked to the media, and the following options are apparently on the table and under negotiations at this time:

- New Penguin’s jerseys every 6-weeks for the entire team
- A dental plan that excludes coverage of all front teeth on the top and bottom of the mouth
- Team charter bus to all Thursday night games in November
- Free annual back ‘waxing’ hair removal (Kenney not included)
- 10% off ADHD medicine (Curchin not included)
- Free demo rides in a used Hyundai with each purchase of a new car at any number of “EBJ” dealerships
- Colonoscopies administered weekly at Walpole’s Cedar Junction
Massachusetts Correctional Facility

Although the terms have not been finalized, and the deal is nothing more than rumor at this time, at least one player expressed some disappointment with the deal.

“New team jerseys every 6-weeks?” questioned the player, who wished to conceal his identity. “How is that different than today? Every time we turn around Tragakis is buying new team jerseys! If that is seriously a part of the deal than it is a joke! Everything else sounded pretty good, though!”

The Penguins find themselves in the middle of the standings, and in the middle of what is sure to be a very tumultuous few weeks.