Penguins Scorch the Scorpions

WALPOLE – The Penguins continued their winning ways last night with a 9-1 victory over the Scorpions. Although the Scorpions came out strong, they were unable to keep up with the Penguins who had a season high 9 goals on the night.

“This is why we practice four nights a week,” stated Jacques Douchey, Penguins coach. “Oh wait, that is my other team. I don’t think the Pellicans practice. In any case, a solid win against a solid team. On a side note, I’m benching Wilmot…not sure why yet, but I will issue a statement later this week.”

Goals for the Penguins came from S. Hickey (5), Youngblood (2), Sniper (1), and Tragakis (1) – although it is assumed this is a typo as this would be a miracle if Tragakis actually scored.

P. Hickey Out For Game

Pat Hickey once again was reported as active for a game, but once again missed an important, perhaps the biggest game of the year. According to team sources, Hickey’s school ‘The Ronald J. McMuffin Day School’ had a mandatory field trip to Chucky Cheese’ for all students that coincided with the game. The students were shown a movie and given a presentation by Officer Norton about ‘Stranger Danger’.

“We felt it was important that he go,” admitted Mrs. Hickey, Pat’s mom. “The little fella keeps going up to strange people and asking them if they will ‘pet his monkey’. We aren’t sure what he means by that, since he doesn't actually have a pet monkey, and to be honest it has us a bit concerned.”

Eggman in Training

With the ‘Eye of the Tiger’ blaring through the circa 1980’s boom-box which was carefully set on his back deck, Hombre Del Huevo pounded out an exhausting skate on his homemade backyard ice-rink. This is the first official training session captured on film of Huevo since his agent announced he would be preparing for the upcoming Summer season.

Unfortunately, his backyard ice-rink is only 8’ x 8’and only allows Huevo to take one stride before stopping and turning around.

“Actually he can’t stop that fast,” confirmed Dougie Sanchez, Eggman’s agent. “There wasn’t a lot of room in his backyard, so we made do with what we could. He actually stole the sideboards from his neighbor’s deck, who is on vacation, and built it by hand. Since he can’t stop that fast, we lined the outside of the rink with pillows…we are pretty sure his wife is going to be pissed when she finds out, but he is determined to get back in shape for the upcoming season.”

The media was allowed to watch this training session, which lasted just over 14 minutes in duration, the majority of which time was spent choosing his workout music. For 10 of the 14 minutes Huevo struggled with the selection, going back and forth between ‘What a Feeling’ the theme from Flash Dance, and ‘Eye of the Tiger’ the theme from Rocky.

“Finally I just picked the cassette tape that was in the best condition,” stated an exhausted Eggman, after the training session. “I could have gone either way, as I am obviously training hard like Rocky did in the movie, but I’m also wearing leg-warmers just like the Flash Dance movie. Tomorrow I will kick-it-up a notch, and will probably train for 16-18 minutes, but we’ll see how long it takes to pick the workout music before I commit. I don't want to be on the ice longer than 5 minutes tomorrow. Besides I have only gained 78 extra pounds since I retired, so I’ll be fine!”