The Game that Never Was

Foxboro, MA – Hoping to get back on-track, the Penguins who were on a two-game losing streak, took on a chippy Analog team in what is now being called the ‘game that never was’. In front of a sold-out crowd, the Penguins dominated the ice from the opening puck-drop until the end of the game, and still managed to squander the win.

“If you look at the big picture,” commented Jacques Douchey, coach of the Provo Penguins. “Hell, never mind, this team never looks at the big picture. We just dropped a giant deuce in our own glove tonight. No need for anyone else to do it for us, we just did it to ourselves! Of course we have to remember to bring our gloves to the game in order to crap in them, but that is another thing!”

The Penguins scored four goals in the first period, two from Sniper and two from Hickey-1. Analog managed to tack a goal on in the 1st period as well, but the Penguins were well on their way to winning the game.

“How is scoring goals like my little toe?” asked Wilmot who was sporting a giant, fake red nose, after the game. “I bang my little toe into the coffee table, just like I bang the puck into the net! Ba-da bing! I’ll be here all week people! Thanks for coming out tonight, drive carefully, and don’t forget to tip your wait-staff!”

But this game just wasn’t meant to be, and conspiracy theories abound. At least a handful of witnesses claim that Roode 1 intentionally left his blocker-glove at home, replacing the more durable and protective glove with a non-protective latex doctor’s glove.

“It seemed like the right thing to do at the time,” admitted Roode 1, who was being treated at the Newton-Wellesley hospital for a stress-fracture. “I didn’t want to be weighed down with all the extra padding and it seemed like I would have a better feel for the puck with a thinner more maneuverable glove. And to be honest, in some ways I feel like I am surgeon in the crease, so the latex glove seemed to make sense. However, in retrospect, my hand really, really hurts. I can’t feel anything below my elbow, and the bone is exposed. I think my idea might have backfired, but only history will know for sure!”

With a fractured hand, and a substantial lead, Roode 1 changed the direction of the game when he decided he had enough jive-talk from Analog. With the enemy in his crease, Roode 1 struck back with a flurry of punches, and was immediately ejected from the game. With no goalie, the game was over, and the Penguins will forever remember The Game that Never Was.

“The good news is we are getting some great discounts on Anger Management Training [AMT],” exclaimed Chris Stattler, Penguins HR administrator. “Apparently they have a rewards program. If a player goes to AMT three consecutive seasons, they get a hell of a break on the fees. At this point Roode 1 is pretty much going for free. I’m pretty sure he will reach platinum membership this time around!”

Although the game was called due to this altercation, one shining moment came when the referees were ready to call the game and Tragakis mentioned that the team had another goalie. Much to their surprise, the referees agreed to allow the Penguins to continue if they could get someone dressed quickly. With the go-ahead from the ref, all eyes turned to Curchin.

“I think his exact words were ‘you have to be [expletive] kidding me, I’m not playing [expletive] net’,” remembered Tragakis after the game. “He was laughing pretty hard and said we were pretty [expletive]-up to think he was going to change over and play net. At which point, I think he started humping the boards, I'm not sure why he just seems to do it a lot. Anyway, it was pretty powerful. It actually brought a tear to my eye. If there is one thing you can say about Curchin, it’s that he puts the team first!”