Unusual Suspects Deliver Big

Foxboro, MA – It was a night to be remembered. The Penguins took the ice to face a struggling Analog team, in a night that will be remembered as the ‘Greatest Tie in NESHL History on a Tuesday Night in November 2011 in Foxboro’. What made the night special is the way in which the Penguins were able to capture the illustrious tie.

After a scoreless 1st period, it appeared that any team that scored a single goal would walk-away the winner in the evening's tilt, but things weren’t what they appeared to be. Early in the 2nd period, the first of three unusual suspects put-the-biscuit in the basket for the mighty-Penguins. Surrounded by a hailstorm of gloves, sticks and utter Analog crease-violence, Hickey-3 dove in front of the net to deposit the first goal securely past the goalie to give the Penguins a one-goal lead. Both Hickey-1 and Hickey-2 were dumfounded.

“I may not be as well known as my brothers, but that is only perception,” stated an emphatic Hickey-3 after the game. Hickey-3 took the podium wearing dark-sunglasses, and was smoking a cigar. “I’m here to change that perception, and prove that Hickey-3 is number one! From now on, I want to be known as Veinte Cinco, ‘Twenty-Five’. Veinte Cinco has spoken!”

The confidence gained from the early lead was short-lived, as both teams went on a rollercoaster ride of emotions as the lead changed frequently throughout the game. Analog tied the game in the 2nd, destroying Roode-1’s hopes of a shut-out. With the game tied, once again an unusual suspect from the Penguins stepped up to score for the team.

Zipping around the back of the net, Youngblood-2 fought for the loose puck, and managed to flip it into the right corner of the net, beating the goalie and giving the Penguins the lead yet again.

“I may not have the skill or the strikingly good looks of my brother,” admitted Youngblood-2 when approached for an interview in the parking lot. “I may not have his sense of style, his penchant for cheap beer and weed. But I do have the ability to find loose-pucks, the same way my brother can find loose-women. So I’ve got that going for me…which is nice!”

But once again Analog roared back into the game, this time they not only tied the game, but took the lead with under four minutes to play scoring their third and final goal of the night. All seemed lost for the Penguins. Desolate Penguin’s fans began leaving the arena in droves, anticipating what appeared to be the first loss of the season for the Penguins. The fans that stayed however saw a much different outcome.

Backed into a corner with less than a two-minutes to play in the 3rd period, Bilbo sat his shift to allow the final unusual suspect, Tragakis to take the ice.

“I didn’t do this because I thought he would score,” laughed Bilbo when asked about this uncanny move. “I did it because Tragakis is a pain in the ass, and I was too tired to skate. So I figured it would get him off the bench so I wouldn’t have to hear him cry about not getting another shift. Hell, I just wanted a break!”

But the result was glorious. With mere two-seconds to go in the game, Sniper took a slap-shot to the chest, which Tragakis raked-up and managed to shovel the loose puck into the net, giving the Penguins and the world the ‘Greatest Tie in NESHL History on a Tuesday Night in November 2011 in Foxboro’.

“At best, these guys are low-level bench players,” cited Senior Hockey Analysis Today (SHAT) magazine’s Bert Gordon. “If you got a goal from one of them in a season you would have giggled like a little school girl, but to get a goal from all three of them, and not get one goal from the usual suspects of Hickey-1, Hickey-2, Wilmot and Sniper??? There is no doubt the world is ending in 2012! This is some crazy ass-[expletive]!”

With tears of joy streaming down his face, Tragakis was unable to answer questions or even comment on this most glorious tie after the game. Choking back the tears, he finally managed to fist-pump his chest and make a heart-symbol with his hands around the Penguin moniker on his jersey. His gesture spoke volumes to those in attendance, and showed the world the undying spirit this team takes onto the ice every night.

With all the excitement there was one glaring concern coming out of the festive night. Lutfy who said he would attend the game, did not attend. Local authorities were contacted, but the search came-up empty handed. Even the credible rumors of Lutfy singing in a karaoke competition in P-Town proved to be false. Although he still has not been found, the team has already enrolled him in a ‘Do What You Say’ program when and if he returns.

“This is a great program,” said Jim Coleman, spokesman for the Penguins. “They teach people to do what they say they are going to do. Like, let’s say you tell someone you are going to play in an upcoming game…this program will teach you to follow-through and actually do what you say you are going to do. Like actually show-up for the [expletive] game for example. It is a novel [expletive] approach, but we think it will pay dividends for Lutfy and the team.”