League Parity Prevalent

Walpole, MA – If getting a tie in a hockey game is analogous to kissing your cousin, the Penguins should hitch-up their double-wide and head-down to West Virginia for the eventual filming of the Deliverance II movie. The Penguins racked up their fourth tie of the young season, against the league pampered Maple Leafs, keeping them undefeated and giving them a 3-0-4 record.

“The Penguins need to find a way to win, that is for sure,” commented Brad Campbell, spokesman for the Penguins. “But when you are up against a team that is coddled and treated differently than the other teams such as the Maple Leafs, you have to be happy. The Leafs just have too many advantages and it is obvious that having the commissioner on their team does provide benefits. Such as preferred referees who turn a blind eye to the chippy-play by the Leafs when they should be calling penalties…you know, stuff like that!”

The Leafs had their way with the Penguins in the first period, scoring the first two goals of the game. It looked like the Penguins were headed toward their first loss of the season, until Ryan Hickey did what he does best by slipping the biscuit into the basket at the end of the 1st period.

“It was scary not having Pat on the same line as Sean and I,” admitted Ryan after the game. “At first Sean and I were too frightened to play our brand of Hickey-Hockey, but after we settled in it was lights out bitches, it was game on Hickey-Hockey style!”

In the second period, Sniper scored early tying the game, but the Leafs relying on cheap hockey tricks, scored once again to take a 3-1 lead.

“We needed a miracle,” stated Bilbo from his locker. “We needed a miracle so I channeled Tim Tebow, only I called upon Pierre Montcalm, the patron saint of Canadian hockey to guide us to a tie. Seems kind of foolish now that I prayed for a tie and not a win, but it is still beauty heh?!”

With Saint Montcalm looking over their shoulder-pads, none other than Johnny Wilmot skated into the crease to provide the Penguins with what can only be deemed the ‘second greatest tying goal in Penguins history’. The first of course, being Tragakis’ game tying goal with a mere 2-seconds to play in the most historic game against Analog earlier this year.

With nothing but his skill, and a penchant for finding the puck in the dirtiest-of-dirty places in front of the net, Wilmot buried the puck top-shelf to ultimately give the Penguins the game tying goal in the 2nd period.

“We are tying machines,” proudly stated Wilmot, who was busy cleaning-up the route 128 rest areas after the game. “I play hockey for one reason, and that is to tie. I think we have proven that we can tie with the best of them. This is neutral Swiss hockey at its finest, and I love it! And I’m not even Swiss!”