Foxboro, MA – The Penguins, like most teams in the NESHL, spent the long off-season rebuilding the team after what can only be called a disappointing summer season. After losing in the championship game to both the Maple Leafs as well as the referees, the Penguins team was in a state of disarray. What was once a team built on friendship and teamwork, the Penguins unraveled during the championship game, as the players turned upon each other during the fateful game, leaving everyone to wonder if the team could ever recover to its former glory?
“It was ugly, really, really ugly,” commented Lou Albano, writer for Senior Hockey Analysis Today (SHAT). “Those in attendance during that game against the ‘Leafs , were sick to their stomachs. Women, children, even grown men were Mearning [throwing-up] into the stands as they watched the Penguins unravel. I Mearned myself when I saw Dimock prison-rape Curchin on the bench. Oh my gosh, I just Mearned in my mouth thinking about it!”
But the long off-season allowed the Penguins to rebuild their team, and clear the air for the kick-off of the Winter Season which began in earnest last night, as the Penguins took-on the Old Dogs at the Foxboro Sports Arena. But this is not your father’s Penguins. This year’s team had some new additions, including the brother of the once prolific goal scorer Youngblood. Sporting the number ‘31’, Rob Tenaglia took to the ice for the first time in over 31 years. Considering that he is only 31 years-old, this was a huge step for the Penguins’ new offense man.
“Some people say that the double-runner blades will slow you down,” stated Rob after the game. “I didn’t notice any issues to honest, and my balance was great! What I was surprised about was my brother. In the past, every night he came home from a hockey game, he would tell me about all the goals he scored on defense. Yet last night he moved to offense and couldn’t get past the blue-line without losing the puck. If he keeps this [expletive] up, I’m going to need to be moved to a new line, because I need a little support out there. At a minimum I want to sleep in the top bunk tonight when we get home!”
Another addition to the team was the third Hickey, Ryan, who was a hold-out for last night’s game due to the issue over a contract extension.
“I realize I have only played one game with this team,” stated the third Hickey. “And that I only paid for half the season, but that should not prevent me from getting what I’m due. At a minimum I want the middle-bunk at home. It is only fair! Sean can have the top, and Pat can have the bottom since he is the youngest!”
As for the veteran goalie Roode 1, brother to defenseman Roode 2, the night proved to be a huge success.
“I’m just grateful that they were able to dislodge the puck from my trachea,” admitted Roode 1 after the game. “Those referees were really skilled with the forceps, so I did not need to throw any of my pads at them. They did a fine job. Next game I’m brining my own chiropractor, orthopedic surgeon and neurosurgeon. Hopefully that is all I need. After what I went through tonight, I deserve the top bunk!”
Penguins’ veterans and rookies alike put on a clinic for the fans by displaying some of the most awe-inspiring hockey ever seen at an NESHL game. However, since the NESHL now maintains all the statistics and game information on-line, all the information is wrong. According to the new website, Sean Hickey had two assists, and Sniper had two goals…which is odd since the game ended in a 4-4 tie, which means two goals were not accounted for.
“We were shooting for fifty-percent accuracy,” commented Doug Stanton, spokesman for the NESHL. “Clearly we proved that we can achieve that after only one night! This is a big win!”
So not only will players be fighting with the new, impossible-to-navigate Poinstreak website and the clueless referees, but the players will be forced to imagine what really happened on the ice, since it won’t come through in the on-line stats.
“It stinks and it sucks,” barked an angry coach Douchey. Douchey was the Penguins former coach, who returned this year on a one-year contract. “Can anyone tell me how to get to my team’s homepage? How do you see the games for just our team? When I called the support hotline, I got a support representative working at NASA. They are working on an algorithm now, which should indicate how to log-into the [expletive] system. Holy [expletive]! I’m losing my mind!”
Next up for the Penguins, is the hunt for the fourth Hickey brother. Until that happens, the Penguins will take on the Spartans on Monday October 17th at 10:10pm at Foxboro.
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