Walpole, MA – In the match-up of the century, America’s favorite hockey team; the Provo Penguins, dismantled the once dominant Herd hockey team in order to advance to the championship game. For the second season in a row, the Penguins have knocked the Herd out of the playoffs, and will take on either the Scorpions or the Maple Leafs next Monday night to establish ownership of the cup.
“I’m so excited right now, I could cut diamonds with my nipples,” screamed a jubilant Wilmot during a post-game interview from his locker. “Am I dreaming? Somebody pinch me! ”
As their opponent has yet to be named, the Penguins will be forced to a rigorous training regimen, which is intended to prepare them for either adversary.
“These teams are completely different,” stated former coach Jacques Douchey, from his home in Toronto. “If they skate faster and play better than the other team, and score more goals you would expect them to win. Well that approach may work against one team but not the other, or vice versa. In any case, the Pelicans need to strategically train for the unknown.”
How a team prepares for the unknown is…unknown, however, an inside source close to the team, believes that the Penguins will begin psychological training which will include both POW training and post-Apocalyptic conditions. According to the source, it was difficult for the training staff to find a location which would allow for such drastic training conditions, however, they eventually just settled on the bathrooms at the Iorio ice rink.
“It appears that the feces, and urine-laden bathrooms at Iorio met the criteria required for the ultimate post-Apocalyptic training exercises,” admitted the inside source. “Originally, they were going to use the Raynham ice rinks bathrooms, but that was just way over the top! You would pray for the Apocalypse before using them!”
Before the training however, the team celebrated in style last night, complete with doughnuts and bagels, and the sounds of Mearn erupting into any and every receptacle he could find within a 9-foot radius.
Amid the excitement of the upcoming game, at least one player was less than thrilled. Only moments after scoring the open-net goal to cap-off the 5-2 victory, Penguins’ forward Steve Tragakis was notified that he would be sent down to play for the Penguins’ minor league affiliate, the Deutschland Ducks. Tragakis is scheduled to depart for Germany on Monday, just before the start of the championship game. This move marks the first time in hockey history, in which a player was sent down to the minors during playoffs.
“Apparently, the Ducks haven’t paid for the season,” said a saddened Tragakis, during a phone interview. “So I need to help them get their payments in before the deadline for the discounted amount. As sad as I am to not be playing in the championship game, I also recognize the magnitude, and importance of my task. It won’t be easy to get the payments in on-time, but it is a really cool job, and very rewarding!”
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