Foxboro, MA – When you have an offensive threat like Johnnie Wilmont, it is only matter of time before he comes up big…and gets his first POINT of the season! With a lead at 1-0 in the first period, thanks to a spectacular goal by Pat Hickey, Wilmont broke the game open in dramatic and humorous style when he crashed the net, did a pirouette, and stuffed the puck past the goalie. It was his first goal and point of the season, and was a clear indication that he is back to form after his recent sex-change operation.
“It feels good,” commented the ecstatic Wilmont after the game. “Both going under the scalpel to become a man, and scoring that goal! Both are definitely turning points in my life! And with the breast reduction I'm less top heavy and can actually stay on my skates for more than 3 strides. Now that I figured out the pirouette move, I'm on my way to reaching my full potential as a hockey player and a woman...er...I mean man.”
After Wilmonts score, the Penguins went to work on Analog, with more goals coming from Pat Hickey, Sean Hickey, Sniper and Sherwood, which put the game out of reach and gave the Penguins a 7-0 win over a vaunted Analog team. Sherwood, who had already scored a goal earlier in the season, took it all in stride.
“That’s just how I roll mother-[expletive]’s,” stated Sherwood, who was wearing shades and smoking a cigarette at his locker after the game. “When the ‘Wood is on the ice, everything is nice! I’m thinking of holding out next season until they give me a puck-boy, to carry my pucks to the game. When you are T-Wood, it is all good!”
The Penguins are now riding a three-game win-streak, which is a huge achievement for a team who struggled for a large chunk of the Summer Season. The win also catapults the red-hot Penguins into the middle of the pack in the standings, a position they have aspired to be in.
When asked about the team's victory, the Penguins former captain had nothing to say.
“Who are the Penguins?” he questioned, while lying on the massage table awaiting his daily back-rub. “My back is in real bad shape, and it is starting to affect my memory. I don’t remember anything about hockey to be honest. With my back in the condition it is in, I’ve had to completely change my lifestyle. I do Yoga and Pilates three-times a day, just so I can jump on the trampoline and use a jack-hammer a few hours each day. This is the sad state of my life now. Oh yea, and I do some canoeing, hiking, dirt-biking riding, sky-diving, gymnastics and bull-riding. That is all I’ve got now that my back is in such bad condition, so even thinking about hockey is out of the question.”
The game did not go off without the usual Analog antics. There was some rough play on the ice as a few Penguins were gang-raped in front of the net throughout the game. Surprisingly, only one penalty was called on Analog's dirty-style of play.
“They call me Lumber Jack,” said Tragakis after the game. “Apparently, if there is a loose puck on the ice, and you are on the ground, you are supposed to stop trying to put the puck into the net. I was actually trying to poke the puck into the net. I wish I had known you were supposed to give-up when there is a loose puck in front of the net, and the opposing players are jabbing you in the arse with their sticks. I must have missed the scene in Oz when they played hockey...I'll be sure to check it out on dvd!”
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