Former Captain Steps Down For Good

Walpole, MA - Shocking the hockey community last March, Chris Eighmy relinquished his captaincy in the middle of an intense Penguins’ playoff bid in their first ever championship run. Today, Eighmy has done it once again by announcing his departure from the game of hockey, for personal reasons.

“At this time, I feel that it is in mine and my family’s best interest to step away from the game of hockey,” stated Eighmy, during a press-conference held earlier today. “In light of today, I am retiring all my nicknames; ‘Eggman’, ‘The Big Package’, ‘The Hairy Sack’, ‘Gimp’, and finally, the one and only, original, never to be duplicated or replicated … ‘Jefe Del Huevo’. From now on, you can call me Leon. Don’t ask me why, I just like the name.”

The announcement comes as a shock, as Eighmy has been an integral part of the team since 1991, when the team moved from Topeka Kansas to Walpole. At that time, the new ownership had built the team around Eighmy, who was the only player to remain with the team after the move.

“When we purchased the team, we knew we needed to balance out Eighmy with someone that was a complete opposite in every way,” said Bert Willard, one of the original owners of the Penguins, formerly known as the Walpole Mud Ringers. “We looked for someone that was fast, skilled and good with the ladies. We ended up with Youngblood. Hey two out of three ain’t bad!”

Eighmy would not say why he was stepping away from hockey, he would only say that lately he had that “not so fresh feeling” going on, and needed to get his PH balance back in-line. The news has concerned the Penguin front-office and players alike, as their team was built on Eighmy’s ability to motivate his teammates with a litany of abusive language and gestures.

“We will definitely miss him,” admitted Wilmot. “I thought he would eventually take back water-bottle duty. Does this mean I’m stuck with the bottles? Come on, are you serious?!”

The rudderless Penguins will be left to find their own way for the rest of this season, and beyond. Goodbye Leon you magnificent bastard! You will be missed!