Three Hickeys Don’t Make a Right

Foxboro, MA – With the Penguins undefeated season on the line, a brash decision was made to call-up Ryan Hickey from the Penguins minor league affiliate the Providence Penguins, in order to bring the power of the Tri-Hickeys together for one night. In the end however, the decision to unite the Hickey clan ultimately destroyed the Penguins dream of an undefeated season, and handed them a devastating loss against the dreaded Dead Rabbits.

“We made a decision based on the best interest of the hockey team,” stated Penguins HR representative, and veteran forward Tragakis, during his post-game press conference. “We make decisions all the time and unfortunately we don’t have the luxury of going back in time, and changing the bad ones. I wish we did. When you invent a [expletive] time machine, give me a [expletive] call! I’ll hop in it and change the [expletive] decision to bring Ryan Hickey up! This interview is [expletive] over!”

The Penguins started off strong with a goal in the first period by Curchin, assisted by a visibly wobbly Youngblood. The shot overwhelmed the Dead Rabbits goalie, Teddy Pendergrass, who was left weeping in the net. Later in the first period, Mearn displayed his own brand of awe-inspiring skill by going end-to-end with the puck. His solo scoring drive resulted in a highlight-reel goal, once again leaving Pendergrass blubbering on the ice.

But the scoring came to a dramatic halt, when the Hickey-trio sauntered onto the ice. The Hickey brothers, whose chauffer inadvertently drove them to the wrong rink, showed up late and disheveled. When they arrived, the team was confident that they would easily score between 15 and 20 goals on the night, but unfortunately that did not happen.

It became apparent that it would not be their night, when scoring attempt after scoring attempt by the Hickeys was thwarted, and the Hickey brothers ended the night with a giant Bilbo Doughnut on their stat sheet. The lack of scoring ultimately forced the team to move Pat Hickey onto the defense in an attempt to stop the bleeding and to break-up the imploding Hickey line. But not even this act of desperation helped to add any scoring punch to the Hickey line.

“I think it was the socks that threw his game off,” stated a shell-shocked Sherwood from the locker room, referring to Ryan Hickey who wore two different colored hockey socks during the game. “I noticed his skating was off, and I think wearing the two different colored socks ended up causing him to favor one leg over the other. He might have liked one of the colors better or something. I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

The only positive that could be taken away on the night was the Curchin was able to get enough data to update his Scoring Probability Model.

“Originally, the data indicated that alcohol and narcotics only effected other players, and not Youngblood,” announced Curchin from his computer laboratory. “However, the data we received last night indicates that Youngblood’s game may be negatively affected by the use of barbiturates. I will have to do a lot more analysis; however, this seems to debunk the theory that Youngblood’s DNA is drug-proof on the ice.”