Walpole, MA – With a 6-3 victory over the up-and-coming Spartans, the Penguins set the stage for an unprecedented, undefeated season. The win marks only the second time in the Penguins history, that the team started the season off undefeated.
“It’s very exciting,” admitted Ryan Curchin after the game. “We are on roll right now, and I think we have a great chance of going undefeated. According to the data-model algorithm that I built over the past few months, if we win every game for the rest of the season, we will be able to remain undefeated. I will double-check the results of the model, but it seems to be on target as far as I can tell.”
The Penguins came off the bench in dramatic fashion scoring three goals in the 1st period, off shots from Sean Hickey, Pat Hickey and the new sniper, Sean Kenney. The Spartans managed to pick-up a goal in the 2nd period, but only to have it erased when Sniper did what he does best, by picking up the fourth Penguins’ goal on the night.
Defensively, the team was solid, except for one glaring flaw. Roode 2 was not only carrying his bag to the rink, but he was half-in-the-bag when he got there. Surprisingly, this did not result in better performance.
“I have a very sophisticated data-model algorithm for this as well,” added Curchin. “It seems that unless you are Youngblood, the drunker you are, the worse you play…I was blown-away by what the data was showing me with this one, but it is true. It may be the reason that real athletes don’t pound vodka shots before big games. I’m not sure…”
What set the defense into a tail-spin was the absence of the legendary defenseman Youngblood, who checked-in as being active before the game, but just didn’t show-up. Allegedly, Youngblood has quit the Penguins to play for last season’s champions, the Scorpions.
“Who is Youngblood?” asked a ranting Matt Dimock. “I played defense, and I don’t think we were missing anything, except maybe some hors-d'oeuvres on the bench. Maybe this Youngblood guy can bring some of those little wieners wrapped in the pastry?! That would be nice!”
In the 3rd period, the Spartans peppered Roode 1 in the net, with over 300 shots, leaving Roode 1 cramping and wanting of the nearest bathroom. In all, they managed two more goals, but the Penguins were not done by a long-shot. Sean Hickey and Sherwood emerged as the point-scorers, putting the biscuit in the basket to give the Penguins the 6-3 victory.
“I just tied my last season points total,” stated an elated Sherwood after the game. “I’m psyched to get the point out of the way in the first game, so now I can coast a bit and really enjoy the rest of the season! This is great!”
Neither Youngblood, Youngblood’s previous agent, nor his new agent were available for comment. However, a spokesman who was not an agent for Youngblood had this to say:
“Youngblood is a hockey diva,” admitted the spokesman. “Divas do not like other divas taking the spotlight. When Mick O’Meara fully recovered from a colon cleanse that went awry, and returned to the team, he took some of the fan-fare away from Youngblood. This hurt Youngblood’s feelings, and now Youngblood is seeking to lend his services to the Scorpions. Aside from the kid who skates forward wearing goalie skates, the Scorpions do not have a diva, so he will be able to shine over there. It is a win-win situation for Youngblood.”
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