Walpole, MA – In hockey, like most sports, the off-season is a time for rest and relaxation. For most, it is a time to reconnect with their friends and family, and to shed the stresses of the long hockey season. The off-season is no different for the players of the Provo Penguins, aside from one exception.
While most players were recharging their batteries on sunny beaches, one player remained locked behind closed doors, curled-up in the fetal position, rocking back-and-forth, in utter darkness. After making the brash decision to step-down as Captain during the most successful playoff run for the team in the current decade, Chris Eighmy spent the offseason angry and depressed, reflecting on his decision, and wondering if he had made a mistake.
Spending most of his time in his unfinished basement, word soon hit the street that Jefe Del Huevo had stopped talking and spent day after day flicking the light-switch on and off, staring into the light-bulb, while drinking gallons of Tiger’s Blood that he drank from an old hockey skate he wore when he was five years-old. Player after player was turned away at the door, left wondering if their former captain could regain any sense of sanity.
After days of waiting, Eighmy made a surprise appearance, standing on the top of his roof, wielding a machete and shouting ‘winner’ down at the throngs of supporters flocking to his home, and who had remained by his side during his darkest hours. But this was not to be the resurrection of their idol, instead, Eighmy moved back down into the basement, reportedly singing the Penguins Fight Song to a picture of Youngblood that was taped to the basement wall.
With all hope slowly ebbing away, team psychologist Roger Campbell made one last ditch effort to bring the ex-captain back to his senses. Dressing in nothing but a burlap loin cloth and war-paint, Campbell was let into the basement by Chris’ distraught wife.
“When you are dealing with someone who has lost all concept of reality, you have to dress accordingly,” admitted Campbell, who was recovering from injuries he suffered during his visit with Chris. “I went in with a loin-cloth and the war-paint, unfortunately, it had the reverse affect. When I stepped into the pitch-black basement, I heard Jefe yell ‘Die you Scorpion mother-[expletive], die!’. Fortunately for me, I lost consciousness right away. When they found me, I had the word ‘captain’ tattooed all over my body, and I was apparently wandering aimlessly down 495 south. I don’t think I got through to him…”
According to local police, Eighmy has made a series of phone calls from his basement to the Iorio Arena, speaking incomprehensively, in some made-up language. However, when the police played the recording backwards, they were shocked by what they heard.
“When we played the tape backwards, you can clearly here him saying; ‘the captain is dead, the captain is dead’, over and over again,” stated Bill Lubner, Plainville Chief of Police. “It is as clear as day. It gave me the chills to be honest with you. We also think we heard him say; ‘262.19’ which appears to be some nonsensical monetary value. We have no idea if this is some reference to his manifest destiny, or the coming of Satan. At this point we have his house is surrounded, and the Plainville Police Department is on full alert.”
As more and more news comes out about this devastating situation, all are left wondering if Jefe will ever skate again. With only a week to go before the season kicks-off, the entire organization is visibly upset. Just bringing up the mere topic, leaves most players speechless.
“Most guys don’t want to talk about it,” admitted Matt Dimock, veteran forward for the Penguins. “To be honest, I just don’t want Tragakis to be captain. Other than that, if Eggman wants to spend a few months in his basement, that is really his call. I’m going to miss most of the Summer Season anyway.”
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