Walpole, MA – In a groundbreaking announcement, President Obama has named the Provo Liquor Penguins ‘Americas Hockey Team’, during an official ceremony in Walpole earlier today.
“I am proud to announce that as of this moment, the Provo Liquor Penguins are officially Americas Hockey Team,” began the President. “During these difficult times, a team like the Penguins emulates everything that is good about this country. They work in America, they buy American products, such as Miller Lite, and aside from the quiet Canadian fellow they are all American!”
This announcement caught many people by surprise, as there are so many other pressing matters that need attention right now, and the fact that Burt Obama, President of the Walpole Auto Parts has no official capacity to actually name America’s hockey team.
“The guy is a [expletive] tool-box,” stated an angry Walpole resident Don Remmington. “I’m not even sure he is actually the President of the Walpole Auto Parts store. I think he is just a manager. Why the hell is he even speaking to people?”
Angry residents lined the sidewalk when Burt Obama spoke, many of them threw rocks and spit at him, but Obama would not be dissuaded.
“As President, I also make every Monday an official holiday out of respect for the American Penguins,” Obama continued. “Everyone that wears a Penguins jersey will receive free auto-parts every night immediately following a Penguins victory!”
The Provo Liquor Penguins were not available for comment, although one front-office insider seemed to take the announcement in stride, when he tweeted “Who the [expletive] is Burt Obama? Is he dangerous? Is anyone looking into a restraining order?”
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