Foxboro, MA – A lonely man stood in silence in his prison cell. The Spartan walls of his cell were bare except for a lone, hand-stenciled image of a Provo Penguins Hockey moniker on the faded concrete wall. A tear slowly streamed down his cheek, a tear of joy. Coach Douchey had just watched his team, the Provo Penguins, defeat the Iceholes on the MCI Norfolk closed-circuit television. Despite being incarcerated, it was the happiest day of his life.
“They did it,” recognized a tired, but elated Coach Douchey from behind the bars. “Physically I was not there with them, but mentally I was on that bench. As they say in my homeland, ‘C’est magnifique!’. It was beautiful! When I get out of here, I will donate all of my organs to science. All of them! It is the least I can do, for the joy they have brought me makes my heart sore like an eagle!”
The Penguins came out strong from the puck-drop, and there was no turning back. Although the depleted Iceholes team put up a valiant effort, they were experiencing on-ice Armageddon, and there was no stopping it. The pain train came, and rolled through the final buzzer, giving the Penguins an 8-2 win, and a playoff berth.
After the game, Mark Shiavone, Penguins’ goalie, climbed onto the roof of the Foxboro stadium, and was seen wielding a machete and yelling down to the throngs of fans leaving the arena.
“I am free,” Shiavone shouted, while chugging a drink he referred to as ‘Penguin-blood’. “My first season as a goalie, and I am free! Bring on the hotties! How does that taste Sheen!”
Unfortunately, Shiavone did fall off the roof, and received minor injuries when a fan tossed-up a puck for him to autograph.
“I threw it right to him,” admitted the concerned fan. “But it somehow went right through his five-hole…I’m not even sure how that could happen. He was still wearing all his goalie equipment, and I lobbed it up there fat and lazy-like. Somehow it just went right between his legs, and he fell off the roof! If he wasn’t drinking the Penguin-blood, I think he would be dead right now!”
The Penguins scored early and often in the lopsided victory, with big John Wilmot getting his first point in Foxboro and two goals on the night for a season high two-point night. Wilmot sent the stadium into frenzy each time he did the ‘Elaine Dance’ after each of his goals. Wilmot, who is not afraid to setup shop in front of the net, and make a home out in the dirty-places, rammed a dagger through the Icehole player’s hearts with his goal scoring prowess.
“We call him ‘El Baile Hurón‘,” commented Jorge Rodriguez, head of the Penguins Mexican Fan Club. “It means ‘The Dancing Ferret’ in English. We originally were collecting money, in order to donate to find a cure for his strange spasms on the ice, but now we just embrace him for all of his quirks. El Baile Hurón is a fan favorite, and he is welcome to Tijuana any time. He can even bring his own donkey!”
Another notable last night, was Jefe Del Huevo, Penguins Captain, who picked up his 7th point of the season with a short-handed goal in the 3rd period.
“I feel bad for all the other losers on our team that did not score,” commented Jefe during his post-game press conference. “I’m the 2nd highest scorer on the defense, and I out-scored Curchin who plays offense. I probably should be motivating these guys, but what a bunch of losers!”
The Firm also came-up big with a hat-trick from Sniper, a goal from Pat Hickey and two assists from Sean Hickey. The Firm brought their A-game, and lived-up to their Hickey, Hickey & Andrews motto of ‘If you come to play hockey, we’ll make you pay’.
As the fans continued to party in the streets of Foxboro, a more somber Steve Tragakis, Penguins Forward wasn’t as jubilant as his teammates or fans.
“I told the guys that this was the biggest game of our lives,” Tragakis stated, slumped in front of his locker. “But I lied. It wasn’t. In fact it wasn’t big at all. Next week we start the playoffs, and the next game is definitely the biggest game of our lives! This time I’m totally serious! When I say big, I mean really, really big!”
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