Walpole, MA – Chris Eighmy made waves yesterday, becoming the first person in hockey history to resign as the captain of a hockey team in the middle of a playoff run. The news came yesterday morning, only hours before the game, stunning the sporting world.
“My wife and my dog have been on my mind,” began Eighmy during his press-conference. “I almost orphaned them last week during the game against The Herd, and I feel like I never see them anymore. I’ve been holding on too tight, I’ve lost my edge. Because of this I will no longer be captain of this team. I apologize to my teammates.”
The news came in the middle of one of the most impressive playoff runs for the Penguins, and sent the hockey community into a tailspin. Questions immediately arose as to the mental state of the team, especially only hours before the tilt with the Old Dogs. Hockey pundits across the globe were left scratching their heads.
“They lost one game in a double-elimination playoff game,” stated Vincent DelCamp, HockeyIsU Magazine. “And the guy quits? Someone needs to look into the water that Wilmot is using in the water-bottles, something isn’t right. I mean this type of thing doesn’t happen in the middle of a playoff race! The bigger question is; who took Jefe’s huevos?”
This question may not be answered, but what was answered last night in front of a sold-out crowd, was that the Penguins were up for the challenge. With their captain now nothing more than an average player, with limited talent, the Penguins took the ice and beat the Old Dogs in a game for the ages.
“The Old Dogs played one hell of a game,” said Youngblood from his car, both before and after the game. “That little kid sees dead people, Mearn sees projectile vomiting, and I see the future of our hockey games. I knew we would win. I saw it in a vision, along with Bilbo, walking through the streets of Montreal wearing nothing but hockey socks and playing a tambourine. It was striking. I’m not sure what the thing with Bilbo was all about, but it is good to know the future.”
Sean Hickey started the scoring off in the 1st period, blasting a laser-beam past the overwhelmed goalie.
“Everyone thought it was Tragakis who scored,” admitted Hickey. “But it was me. It’s always me. But I probably wouldn’t have scored that one without Tragakis looming large in front of the net, and striking fear into the heart of the goalie!”
Sniper made it 2-0 with another goal in the 2nd period, a lead that would be more than enough for the Penguins to win.
“Everyone thought it was Sherwood who scored,” admitted Sniper. “But it was me. It’s always me. But I probably wouldn’t have scored that one without Sherwood looming large in front of the net, and striking fear into the heart of the goalie!”
The Old Dogs put up one hell of a fight, and managed to get one back in the 3rd period, but it wasn’t enough. When the Old Dogs pulled their goalie, Sniper once again scored on an empty net to send the Old Dogs back to the pound, and the Penguins onto the next round of the playoffs.
No comments:
Post a Comment