Penguins Lose, Coach Arrested

Foxboro, MA – Coming off of an emotional victory last week against Analog, the Penguins were due for a letdown. Last night’s loss to the Herd was coined a ‘trap-game’ by both media and fans alike, and unfortunately the Penguins did not disappoint. The Penguins allowed the Herd to score in the first 40-seconds of play, and went on to lose by a score of 4-3. Although the Penguins kept the game close, in the end, they just came out flat.

“It was a tough game for us,” admitted Chris Eighmy, Penguins’ captain. “I don’t want to use foul language here, but we played like poop. I mean it. We played like a giant pile of doo-doo. I’m tailoring my language because we have some pretty young guys on the team right now, and I don’t want to scare them.”

The loss went from disappointing to bizarre, when Penguins’ coach Jacques Douchey was arrested in Walpole center, after the game.

“We received a call at 11:45 PM, from a concerned resident,” stated Walpole Chief of Police, Brad Mookie. “When we arrived at the scene, we found Mr. Douchey seemingly disoriented, very drunk and…naked. He was rifling pucks at oncoming cars, and singing what appeared to be a blend of the Penguins Fight Song, and The Sun Will Come out Tomorrow. It was quite nice actually; I mean the song…not the naked puck throwing thing.”

Allegedly, Douchey had made the trek down from Toronto to surprise the team, only to catch the Penguins’ collapse on the ice. According to sources, the loss sent him into a deep, dark depression which apparently led to the naked, puck throwing incident.

“We can neither confirm nor deny the allegations at this time,” stated Cory Krumpler Penguins’ attorney. “We are not admitting any wrong-doing by Coach Douchey. What we can say is that this would not be the first time that Coach Douchey has done this type of thing. With a loss comes a sadness, and we all deal with these things in our own way. Some people cry. Some people meditate. Coach Douchey may or may not choose to be drunk and to rifle pucks at oncoming cars. I’m not sure about the song he was singing, but more than likely the single will go on sale today at the Penguins Hockey Store!”

The Penguins battled throughout the game, tying the game at 2-2 with goals from Pat and Sean Hickey in the 1st period. The final goal for the team came in the 3rd period from Andrews, giving each of the Firm a goal on the night.

“He completes us,” admitted Sean Hickey, when describing his elation over Andrews’ goal. “He may have had us at ‘hello’, but he completed us with that last goal. My brother and I were discussing on the bench, going onto the ice as just a duo, without Andrews, but in the end he came through. The Firm of Hickey, Hickey & Andrews will stay intact forever…or at least until our other brother starts playing!”

Letting in four goals on the night, the attorney for Penguins’ goalie Mark Shiavone has ceased all contract extension discussions. After last week’s shutout, the Shiavone camp was holding out for a contract extension and more money. However, after last night’s loss, those discussions are now off the table.

“In this business, you have to strike while the going is good,” commented Shiavone’s attorney, Terry Mosley. “When my client had the one shut-out, we were riding on top the world. Today, we are hopeful the Penguins front-office will even talk to us. If the offer from the Penguins to trade my client to a team-to-be-named-later for a 6-pack of Pabst Blue-Ribbon is still on the table, we are all in! Damn you Shiavone!!!”