Penguins Finally Fly

Walpole, MA – Before last Monday night’s anticipated match-up between the fan-favorite Provo Penguins and the much detested Old Dogs, a pensive Penguins team sat in silence in locker room number 14. Having lost their last two games on the schedule and their last two games to the Old Dogs, the Penguin’s players knew the severity of what was at stake. All their hopes, dreams and aspirations were hanging on the very outcome of the night’s game. If they won, it would be the greatest game and the greatest win of their lives. If they lost, it would really, really suck.

When the Penguins took the ice, the demeanor of the entire stadium morphed instantly into absolute hysteria. The raucous pounding of drums, along with the shrill cry of the Penguins Fight song blared over the loud speakers, sending even the most sedate hockey fan in attendance into a mad frenzy. The game hadn’t even started, and it seemed as though the entire building would be brought down to rubble from the mass of screaming, fist-pumping, fist-pounding people in the arena.

“These fans are crazy,” shouted an ecstatic Jefe Del Huevo after the game. “I love this game and I give it all I’ve got, but when I hear those fans, well, it is like a shot in the arm! I dedicate both of my assists tonight to the topless fans in the front-row known as the Penguins with Pasties. I love those gals!”

Bilbo ‘The Rapper’ Raposo got the scoring started for the Penguins in the first period, off of a sharp pass from Youngblood across the crease. Bilbo blasted the shot past the goalie, leaving him reeling and feeling in need of a good spooning.

“That is how the Rapper rolls,” Bilbo chimed during the post-game press conference. “What the Old Dogs don’t know, is that I’m probably older than anyone on their team. The only difference is I’m Canadian, so for us it is like in dog-years or something. I think in Canadian I am 103 years old. I’m not sure. Most Canadians can’t count. But we can play hockey you mutha-[expletive]’s!!”

But with only one goal in the period, the Penguins appeared to be heading back to their old ways; playing powerful, and very sexy hockey, but with nothing to show for it on the scoreboard.

“Goals are overrated,” admitted Wilmot, who had an assist on the night. “I prefer to play ‘posts’ during our games. It shows my skill, and it keeps the goalie on his toes. I mean, who else shoots for the posts during a real hockey game? No one, so there you have it. I should mention I can’t hit the post, but that’s just semantics at this point.”

Posting a huge doughnut in the 2nd period, the Penguins were able to right-the-ship and open the floodgates in the 3rd period, dropping the hammer on the Old Dogs. Youngblood and the Hickey sisters put on a barrage that sent the Old Dogs' goalie, Longa, into a puck-stopping tailspin. The new trio, which replaces the old trio with Sniper, put four biscuits in the basket, and provided the Penguins with their first win in three games.

“It was Armageddon out there,” cried an anonymous Old Dogs player. “I can’t feel my legs. That guy Dimock ran straight into me, and I think I lost my spleen. I’m serious, I can’t feel my legs! I want to go home!”

The Old Dogs player was referring to what was called ‘incidental contact’ on the ice, which occurred when Dimock ‘The Pinch King’, ran straight into the poor bastard, driving him headlong into the ice in the 3rd period.

“I wasn’t really looking,” stated Stan Pucket, one of the referees for the night. “To be honest, I wasn’t watching what was happening on the ice at all. I was actually checking my blackberry at the time. How the little fella’ from the Old Dogs ended up with his head planted in the ice is beyond me. I should pay more attention, but it was probably fair…whatever happened.”

The victory keeps the Penguins on top of the leader board, and keeps them in contention for a playoff run…even though everyone makes the playoffs.

“Playoffs?” questioned an angry Jacques Douchey, virtual coach for the Penguins. “We can’t worry about the playoffs right now. We are just taking it one game at a time. We will give it 100% and hopefully that will be enough. We can’t look too far ahead. Next week is Analog, and they are the only thing we are worried about right now. But I wish I had known everyone makes the playoffs, man, that would have taken some of the pressure off!”