Raynham, MA – The hockey game started out in harrowing form last night, as both fans and players arrived at the Raynham Arena to the flashing lights of police cars and fire trucks. Stuck outside in the cold, all those in attendance were left wondering as to the reason of the emergency, but communication was not immediately available.
“I was assuming someone got hurt,” admitted Joe Kroeger, longtime Penguins fan, who witnessed the whole thing. “All we could do was wait-out in the freezing cold, and wait to see if the building would reopen. I’m a Provo Penguins season ticket holder, and I did not want to miss the game, but obviously something big was going on.”
The reason was later explained to reporters, when the throngs of bewildered fans and players were allowed back into the building.
“It was a matter of public safety,” stated Louis Jones, Lieutenant for the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), who addressed the media after the re-opening of the building. “Everyone knows that the Raynham Ice Rink is one of the dirtiest, most disgusting buildings on the planet. We were called in to determine if this ice-rink is the epicenter for all human disease. We knew the answer before going in, but aside from a few of our guys going down with cholera, black-plague, and other currently unnamed diseases, it didn’t hurt to back our suspicions with data.”
What that data showed, will be revealed to N.A.T.O next week. In the meantime, initial results indicate that that all disease and life threatening ailments do indeed originate from the unsanitary facility.
“We also used carbon-dating while in the building,” continued Jones. “Usually this is a science that is applied to bones, and other objects to determine how old they are. In this case, it was applied in order to determine the last known date that the locker rooms and the feces ridden bathroom were cleaned. According to our initial reports, the building has never been cleaned. At least not since the building was built in 1973. It is a veritable hell-hole in their!”
While the world awaits the results of the study, the Provo Penguins upset Analog on the ice, with a 3-2 victory last night in the Petri-dish known as Raynham. It was a battle from start to finish, with both teams playing some of the best NESHL hockey of the year.
Analog took an early lead in the first period, when Scott Cusack jammed the puck into the open side of the net, assisted from his brother Mark and veteran forward Coreia. It looked like the Penguins losing-ways would continue, until Dimock, moving in slow-motion all night long, ripped a shot from the left face-off circle in Analog’s defensive zone. Dimock’s goal tied the game and gave the Penguins the boost they needed.
“I like to show-up from time to time, and just play my brand of hockey,” big Matty stated after the game. “No one is quite sure what my brand of hockey is, but hell, I scored!”
Later in the first, Analog’s Mark Cusack scored on Penguin’s goalie Mark Schiavone, once again putting all the pressure back on the Penguins. But pressure is what this team thrives on, and none-other than their very own Youngblood stepped up in dramatic fashion, scoring the next two Penguin’s goals, giving the Penguins their first win in three weeks.
“There’s my statement mother-[expletive],” stated a rather sedate Youngblood after the game. “I told you I was going to make a statement, and that was it. Originally I was going to make the statement a few weeks ago, but there it is. Youngblood cannot rush his statements. I have to admit though, that I owe it all to my partner Chris Eighmy. Without his assist on that second shot, I wouldn't have had two goals. I'm kidding of course. I would have had two goals, no matter what, but it was a nice assist anyway.”
The Penguins ended the night without a penalty, and played the cleanest, most non-Penguin like hockey game of their careers. Next up for this band of warriors, are the mighty Scorpions, who they take-on next Sunday night at 9:20 pm.
“I’m just glad the game is not in Raynham,” admitted one player who had been quarantined by the CDC, and was being held in a Hyerbaric Chamber. “I used the bathroom before the game and although I didn’t think I touched anything, my junk fell-off. To say I am scared is an understatement. If I could, I’d piss myself right now! Damn you Raynham!”
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