Walpole, MA – The Provo Liquor Penguins may be looking for a new team captain, in the not too distant future. Amid a clash in the team locker room after last week’s loss, followed by massive fighting with the front-office, Chris Eighmy has demanded a trade. According to sources close to the situation, Eighmy was furious at the lack of effort from his team in their loss to the Iceholes. This subsequently fueled a series of heated discussions with the front-office.
One rumor has claimed that Eighmy had asked to be traded, while another rumor had indicated that Eighmy requested that nearly the entire team except for his self be traded. No one is quite sure of the exact scenario which caused tempers to fly; however all seem to agree that things escalated quickly. Punches were thrown, blood was spilled, and at least one person may have been killed in a series of closed-door discussion this past week.
“My client is like Lebron James, without the other two dudes down in Miami,” commented Bud Love, Eighmy’s agent. “But unlike King James, Jefe Del Huevo knows he cannot do it alone. We are not saying that this situation cannot be fixed, we are merely saying that Jefe is young, and there are other teams in this league. Being surrounded by feces all day is not fun, it sucks. Believe me I know, because I used to have a job sucking-out the poop in port-a-potties. Anyway, my client is surrounded with feces on the ice, every game. Simply put, trade everyone except Jefe and The Firm, or trade Jefe and The Firm. That is all we are asking.”
Eighmy was not available for comment, but player reaction was one of utter fear, panic and an overwhelming desire to know which team they would be traded too.
“Look, I like to win like the next guy,” said one player. “But my contract specifically states that I am to play at ‘40-50% of my ability’. Seriously, that’s what it says. To be honest, I think I am giving nearly 60% every game, so I’m actually breaking my contract. I'm not even asking for the extra 10% of my effort back, I just want it to be recognized that I’m giving a lot more than I am obligated to give!”
No one knows how this will end, as it plays out over the Penguins ‘bye week’, but everyone from player to fan is concerned. One witness claims that she even saw Eighmy at a laser tattoo removal clinic, having his Penguins logo tattoo ’tramp-stamp’ removed from his lower back.
“It was sad, really,” the fan admitted. “To see such a wonderful man, remove such an awesome tattoo from his lower back is sad. I am such a huge Penguins fan. I did ask him if he could get me Sean Hickey’s autograph! And that’s how I got this black-eye! I’m never washing my face again!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment