Penguins Roll Against Analog

Walpole, MA – The Penguin’s roster reads like an emergency room register, with more and more players being put into an Injured Reserve category. With Roode 1 down with a torn labrum, Lutfy out with a fractured knee, Kenney sidelined with back spasms, and Tragakis out for chronic vaginosis, the Penguins had their hands-full in last night’s game against their arch-rival Analog. But lack of players did not keep the Penguins down; as they went on to win by a score of 5-3, in front of a sold-out crowd at the Iorio Arena.

“We are excited as a team right now,” admitted Jefe Del Huevo, after the game. “Leap-year happens, what? Every four years, right? And last night Youngblood brought beer*, for the first time in Penguin’s history. We are celebrating Christmas early, with the same gift I got on my 5th birthday, a 30-pack! This is big!”

*Note: There was no beer brought to the game, as this is against league policy. The above statement was made for comedic affect, and is no indication of any alcoholic beverages being brought into the locker room.

With their lineup depleted, the Penguins went into the game with all remaining guns blazing. The Firm provided the main attack with goals being scored by Sean Hickey and Sniper. Rookie Pat Hickey, who was seemingly absent from the scoring, was not available for comment after the game, as his parent picked him up early.

“The way I see it,” commented Curchin. “If I can get in the lineup with The Firm, I’ll probably score two-hundred goals, and have another thousand assists. Sometimes I just sneak out onto the ice, and hope no one notices I’m on the wrong line. Unfortunately, Eggman caught me last night, but there’s always next week!”

According to recent reports, many players on the Penguins team have reportedly requested a move onto The Firm. The latest report indicates that Mark S, the new Penguins goalie, was the latest in submitting his request to be transferred onto The Firm.

“Hell, I might make more saves on that line,” stated the rookie goalie. “I want in! Those guys are good, and just because I’m a goalie it doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings too!”

In a display of leadership, Eggman took it into his own hands to spark some scoring, by hitting Sniper in the back of the head with a slap-shot from the point. No one is quite sure how this tactic works, but Sniper did get two goals on the night, so no one is questioning his approach.

With all the focus on The Firm, Bilbo has silently put on a show for the OML, taking the lead in points for that line with a goal last night.

“I put the jelly in the doughnut,” the OML leader said. “I put the munchkin in the basket. I put the crawler on the top shelf. I…well you get it. I’ve got to go and make real doughnuts.”