Anarchy Reigns Supreme

Foxboro, MA – Brad Childress the bumbling Vikings coach, has left the building, at least for the time being. Last night’s heavy-weight bout between the Provo Liquor Penguins and The Herd, nearly turned tragic, when Chris Roode attempted to take control away from the captain Chris Eighmy.

Only moments before puck-drop, an injured Roode, with arm in sling, began ranting and raving in the locker room, about setting the lines and taking control of the team. In a show of restraint, Hombre Del Huevo brushed off the injustice, and allowed Roode to take the lead, a move that nearly ended in the complete implosion of the team.

“It was embarrassing,” stated one player, who requested to remain anonymous. “There is only one captain on a team. For the Penguins that is the Eggman. You can’t have dissention in the ranks, and that’s what happened last night. It turned ugly.”

With a ranting lunatic at the helm, the Penguins’ team was visibly agitated. With the team in disarray, The Herd capitalized with two quick goals in the first period, leaving the Penguins bench reeling. Having won their last two games by a considerable margin, the Penguins were in unfamiliar territory, trailing at the end of the period. But just when things looked the bleakest, out of the fog came Jon Tenaglia, off a pass from Bilbo, to cut the lead in half with a blistering shot in the 2nd period.

That’s when the wheels came off the bus, or so it seemed. As both teams were racking up the penalties, ‘Coach for a Day’ Chris Roode stuck his head out a little too far onto the ice, and nearly had it decapitated as one of the Herd players drilled him off the bench, sending him into the wall. With eyeballs rolling in back of his head, play was stopped in the 3rd period, as players and officials tried to revive the injured Penguin. After some tense moments, Roode rose to his feet and was escorted to the locker room to the joy of everyone in the arena, especially the Penguins players.

“I just wanted him to shut-up,” admitted one player. “I mean seriously, he would not stop talking. About what I don’t even know. To be honest he was just standing in everyone’s way, and talking insensibly like a drunken Hari Krishna rocking back-and-forth on a sidewalk. It was really, really annoying.”

Within moments of Roode’s departure, the Penguins team came alive on the ice. With a mere 3 minutes to go in the game, Sean Hickey scored two back-to-back goals to give the Penguins a 3-2 lead. Although Tragakis wanted the Firm (minus Sniper) to get off the ice so he could get some more ice-time, Bilbo quickly jumped in, in another sign of dissention, and refused to allow anyone that was not ‘good’ onto the ice. As the players circled the net, trying to fend off the Herd onslaught, the Herd managed to put a biscuit in the basket at the buzzer to tie the score and end the game.

“I didn’t realize that we were playing until the buzzer,” admitted Mark S, stand-in goalie for the Penguins. “According to the Goalie Union, we get breaks in-between periods, as well as 10 seconds before the end of the 3rd period. Unfortunately, I was packing-up when they scored that last goal, so bad timing I guess. The good news is I’m available to DJ at weddings and Bar Mitzvahs, so call me!”

With the tie, the Penguins managed to stay one game ahead of the Herd in the standings, with a record of 3-2-1 on the season. Next up on the schedule, is a game against the Old Dogs on Tuesday November 9th, at 10:10 p.m..

“As of last night, we implemented a new rule for the team called ‘Roode’s Rule’,” said Hombre Del Huevo, after the game. “It is a two-part rule. First, all bumbling drunks must remain in the stands, in the locker room, or at Betty Ford Clinic at game-time. Second, anyone that messes with my lines will be fined thousands of dollars and suspended from the team for a minimum of 12 years. Shortly I will announce the Alternate Captains. That is all."