Penguins Put On Blitzkrieg

Walpole, MA – The Germans used the term Blitzkrieg, or Lightening War, to describe a method of warfare, based on speed and surprise. Last night, the Provo Liquor Penguins demonstrated their own version of a Blitzkrieg, combined with shock and awe, as they skated to a 10-2 victory over the Iceholes in last night’s match-up. This win comes off a big loss last week, and brings them back up to .500 for the season at 2-2.

“I’m proud of those boys,” explained Coach Douchey after the game. “I’m going out on a limb here, when I say I’d bet on any hockey team that scores ten goals in a game, but that’s the kind of guy I am. Give those boys some credit. They looked like dog-turd the week before, so this is a pleasant surprise. I really hope to meet the players someday down the road. Not too soon, but down the road. Way down…”

A dribbler by Youngblood started the scoring off for the night, as Youngblood used deception and concentration, to will the puck past the goalie. It broke the previous record for the ‘slowest moving puck’ to actually get past a goalie, and was clocked at .001 m.p.h. As the goalie tried to play the barely moving puck, it somehow slipped past his stick into the net.

“I was using the Force,” stated Youngblood, who also had an assist on the night. “Sometimes I just mess with people’s minds, and make them do things they don’t want to do. It worked in college, which is why I got so many dates. Tonight I just made the guy miss the puck. If you heard him, he was repeating my mind-thoughts, and saying ‘miss the puck’ over and over, as the puck slid past him. Sometimes I use the same trick on Curchin, which is why he never is able to pass, shoot, carry or even touch the puck. It is kind of fun, although I probably shouldn’t do it to my own teammates.”

The Iceholes also scored in the first period, to tie the game, before the Penguins came alive. Tragakis managed the impossible, by actually getting a goal on the ice.

“I really scored,” an elated Tragakis said while at the podium. “I want to thank my parents, and all my friends, and my cousins, and hell, I want to thank the referees. Don’t forget the goalie from the Iceholes, I want to thank him too! I love you all!”

After Tragakis’ goal gave the Penguins the lead, the floodgates were opened and the team went on a scoring spree so violent, the Iceholes are filing charges. The Youngman Line, consisting of Sniper and the Firm (Hickey & Hickey), put on a hockey exhibition amazing players and fans alike. Sniper had four goals and an assist, Pat Hickey had a goal and an assist and Sean Hickey had two goals and an assist; giving the YML 10 points on the night.

The first of two highlight moments came when Roode skated out of the net with the puck, and made a nearly end-to-end pass to Youngblood to setup the first goal. This marks only the second time in NESHL history, where a goalie has provided the assist on a dribbler goal.

“That is how I role mother-[expletive],” Roode said after the game. “What do you think I’m doing back there in the net while the game is going on? I’m thinking of porn, and of how I can help the team. I mean it is pretty obvious that I am Tim Thomas and Tukka Rask combined…call me Timukka!”

The other highlight moment came when the captain, Chris Eighmy scorched a shot past the goalie from the point. Eighmy, who had been demonstrating his defensive prowess up until that point, decided to show the team a little of his offensive skills. Clenching his butt-cheeks, and winding up with all he had, he drilled the puck into the net, leaving the goalie with burn-marks on his arms and legs. The puck was clocked at 344 m.p.h., and tipped the scales on the other side of the record books, and is listed as the fastest goal to ever blow past a goalie in a regulation hockey game.

“Sometimes I just need to lead the team on offense too,” commented Hombre Del Huevo. “That’s just how I roll beatch! How does my slap-shot taste [expletive]?!”