Penguins Pull-Off Upset Win!

Foxboro, MA – Everything was on-the-line for the Penguins last night at the Foxboro Sports Center, with a match-up between division rivals the Maple Leafs. In what can only be coined the hockey "match-up of the century", the Penguins skated away victorious when all odds were stacked against them. Heading into the game, the talk on the street had the advantage going to the Leafs, but as they say, talk is cheap.

“We have been disrespected since day one,” the Penguins’ captain, Chris Eighmy (Eighmy has been on the team for a number of years, please check the roster) commented after the game. “A bunch of people said we revamped our team. That is bull-[expletive]! The last time I checked adding one player to the roster in three-years is not considered revamping! We won this game through pure determination!”

The captain shook-up the lines last night, when he introduced pick-up hockey style shifts. Players replaced one another, no matter the position, when they came off the ice. Although it caused great concern with Sherwood, the strategy worked, and the team went on to win.

Ryan Roode (on the team for many seasons as well) started the night off with a goal in the 1st period, with an assist from none other than Youngblood (his real name is Tenaglia, and he has played on the Penguins team since they were called the Walpole Flyers and later the Walpole Whalers…please check the roster). When the Leafs took a 2-1 lead later in the period, Mr. Lutfy from the OML tied the game with a little help from Big Matty. Both players have been on the team for many years (please check the roster).

It looked like the Penguins might run away with the game when Sean Hickey (yes…also on the roster for at least 2 years) gave the Penguins the edge in the 2nd period, after receiving a pass from Sniper (real name is Brandin Andrews, he has been on the team for two seasons, and played a few seasons before that). But the Leafs would not die, as they managed to tie it once again in the 3rd period.

“I knew I had to do something,” commented Tragakis (on the team for 3 seasons) during his press-conference. “And we all know it wasn’t going to be on the ice. So I did what any man would do, I bought new team water bottles. I know it sounds crazy, but I think that gave us the advantage we needed to win. I’m not sure it translates into any points, but I know the guy who writes the blog so I’ll see what he can do.”

Unlike seasons past, the Penguins would also not go away, scoring late with a goal from Pat Hickey (yes! Pat is new….he is the new guy!), with an assist from Sniper (again, on the team for a long time). The final goal was provided by Sean Hickey (…see above, on the team for a while), what made this last goal so special, was that the assist came from his brother Pat (yes, the new guy mentioned above). Their parents who were in the stands, both wept with joy. The joy continued as they got the two Hickey’s booster seats ready for the ride home, in the parking lot.

“We are so proud of our boys,” stated Mr. Hickey, the Hickey's proud father. “They are the ‘fo shizzle. I mean fo' sheezy mah neezy as their mother likes to say! Don’t get me wrong, we are all about the fo shizzle ma nizzle! We think it important to talk to our children in a language they can understand. Peace!”

This win puts the Penguins on a 1-game winning streak, and on the road to the playoffs.

“While every team makes the playoffs, that is true,” admitted Kenney (on the team for 5 years at least) from Austin, Texas where he took part in his rehab stint, and missed the game. “But a 1-game winning streak is pretty damn cool! I think it is the first winning streak we have had since I joined the team in ’05.”

The win marks a turning point in the Penguins season, but Penguins coach Douchey, advised caution going forward.

“It is only one win,” responded the coach. “There is still a lot of hockey to play. We have to improve on all facets of the game, including working on advanced skills like skating both backwards and forwards. Hell, of a good job on the water bottles though! That is truly the shiznits!”