Foxboro, MA – The Provo Penguins take on an undefeated Scorpions team tonight, at the Foxboro Sports Center. Puck drop is scheduled for 9:10 p.m., and a sellout crowd is expected. These two teams have created one of the fiercest rivalries in the game of hockey, a rivalry that has been on the verge of all-out violence. In order to avoid an escalation after the game, Foxboro Mayor, Tony Manton, has called on the National Guard to be on-hand for tonight’s match-up.
When the subject for the game is not centered-around the violence expected, the discussion centers on how different these two teams actually are.
“Aside from the players,” commented Rick Speigel, NESHL Hockey Analyst. “Which are obviously different on each team, there are some major hockey differences between them. While the Scorpions are like a cold war, evil Russian empire, the Penguins are their antithesis, a struggling, kind-hearted American team that will prevail in the end…or all hope is lost for humanity.”
The stat sheet speaks volumes about these two teams, with one of the most lopsided stats being the Goals Against (GA) numbers. While the Scorpions have a GA of ‘1’, the Penguins are sitting with a big, fat snowman; with ‘8’.
“Don’t make fun of my friend,” yelled a visibly upset Brandin Andrews, referring to Penguin's goalie Roode 1. “GA has nothing to do with a goalie’s performance. It is just an indication of the number of goals the goalie let in, you can't blame the goalie for that. I mean where is the defense? Where is the back-checking? Where is my best friend?”
Andrews was not the first person to mention the problem in front of the net. Tom Thomas, third-cousin of Tim Thomas from the Bruins, noticed the issue throughout last season.
“They are a solid team,” stated Thomas during a recent phone interview. “The Penguins can take it to the next level, but they have to buckle down in front of the net. Let’s put it this way. While slashing, hacking and tackling are all considered illegal, the Penguins need to protect the front of their net any way they can. The team must form a frozen-curtain tonight against the Scorpions, and prevent anyone and everyone from getting a scoring opportunity.”
In the past, the Penguins have taken a more relaxed; ‘love thy neighbor’ approach to defending their own zone. In a recent game, one Penguins’ player actually laid down in front of the net, resting his head in his hands, in a display of non-violence.
“Tonight, we must defeat the Evil Empire,” responded Buddy Ryder, assistant GM for the Penguins. “They may be stronger, they may be bigger, and we know they use steroids, HGH , LSD and probably crack. But the Penguins must strap on a pair of over-sized, American testicles, and kick the crap out of anyone that gets in front of the net. This is our net damn it! Defend it at all costs!”
Roode 1 was not available for comment, however his brother Roode 2 was home during our call, and had this to say;
“Actually I don’t think it has anything to do with back-checking, or defending the net, I just think it is my brother’s fault. I mean honestly, the guy is the human-sieve, he lets in a lot of goals. He steals my beer, and he lets in goals. Or did I steal his beer? Anyway, it doesn’t matter. He lets in lots of goals, and I tell him that every night when he takes the top bunk.”
As both teams gear-up for the fight of their lives, all eyes will be on the Penguins to see whether they will step-up to defeat the evil Scorpions.
No comments:
Post a Comment