Penguins Get Last Call With Happy Hour

Raynham, MA – What a difference a season makes. During the Summer Season, when the Provo Penguins faced-off against Happy Hour, they were greeted by ringer after ringer, and ultimately suffered loss after loss. The Penguins were outmatched and outplayed by both college and Junior Hockey players, that had been recruited by the Happy Hour team.

Last night however, the tables were turned as the Penguins skated to an 11-2 victory over the non-ringer Happy Hour team, at CDL Arena in Raynham. This game marks the Penguins' second win in a row on the road, and gives the team their first winning record in two seasons at 3-2-0.

“We thought this was an over-30 league,” commented the Happy Hour goalie after the game. “There were a bunch of guys on their team that were young, and they skated all over us. I think it is bull-[expletive]!”

These comments come as a shock to the league and to the fans, as this has always been an over-18 league. The comments are also concerning, since they come from a member of the same team that stacked their roster with 18-20 year old, elite 'A' level players just last summer. Apparently, when losing, the team prefers strict adherence to an imaginary over-30 rule.

“This is a strange comment,” responded Penguins’ coach, Jacques Douchey. “Is it possible to have an over 30-league, than not have an over 30-league, and then have an over 30-league again? I don’t think so. We have always stuck by our roster, and have only 'C' level players on this team. We would expect others to do the same.”

The night started out on shaky ground for the Penguins, who in an attempt to catch lightening in a bottle for the second straight game, planned to skate with three-lines up front. However, there was dissention starting in the locker room, and things were turned on their side when Dimock switched himself to defense.

“Dimock doesn’t skate on a third line,” stated the Dimock, talking about himself in third-person. “Dimock skates when, where and how Dimock wants to skate. My 9-year-old knows more about hockey than Tragakis will ever know! I don't know why, I just like to state the obvioius. Pandas are furry, too!”

The Penguins went on a scoring spree early in the 1st period, scoring four quick goals, giving the team a 4-1 lead. All three members of the Law Firm (Hickey, Hickey & Andrews) scored, with the fourth goal coming from none other than Mr. Fabulous himself, Jon “Youngblood” Tenaglia. Youngblood would go on to score another goal, and along with the captain Chris Eighmy, went +11 on the night.

The Penguins added two more goals in the 2nd period off shots from Tragakis and Sean Hickey, giving the Penguins a commanding 6-1 lead.

Tapping into last week’s Blitz Krieg mentality, the Penguins went berserk in the 3rd period, scoring five more goals with three from Sean Hickey, one from Curchin with the final goal from Youngblood to end the scoring for the night.

Also, contributing on the night with assists, were; Pat Hickey, Sean Hickey, Sniper, Dimock, Bilbo and Curchin. There were also assists from imaginary players, with numbers 30 and number 5.

All around, it was a solid game for the Penguins, who take on the Herd next week in Foxboro. Some sad news did come out of last night after the game, when Penguins’ goalie Roode 1 checked into the hospital for evaluation on a possible torn rotator-cuff, or torn labrum in his right shoulder. This news has all of Penguins Nation waiting anxiously for the results, as the season depends on Roode 1 being in net.

“Actually, I think a [expletive] donkey could play net,” responded Andrews, after hearing the news of Roode 1’s injury. “I mean all you have to do is stand there, right? How hard could it be? We’ll be fine. I’ll bring my 3-year-old niece in to play net when Roode is out. Seriously…don't you just stand there?! How hard could it be?”