Penguins Lose Home Opener

Walpole, MA – The Provo Penguins dropped their home-opener against Analog last night, with a final score of 5-2. Although the team added new personnel during the off-season, the lack of practice and conditioning led to the Penguins demise. Sniper and Bilbo scored in the first period, keeping the Penguins toe-to-toe with Analog, but the wheels came off the bus in the 2nd, when Analog went on a three-goal shooting spree.

“I’m not sure what happened,” commented Youngblood from the Massachusetts Eye and Ear Infirmary. “I took a puck in the eye in warm-ups, so I couldn’t see a damn thing for the entire game. Unfortunately, I will have to postpone my ‘Cage-less Hockey’ tour, where I talk to kids at different schools, teaching them to remove their cages and masks from their helmets when they play hockey. It is a ‘freeing’ experience, and I recommend it to all the kids! I just want my broken cheekbone to heal first!”

Youngblood took a puck from an errant shot from Curchin during warm-ups, and had limited vision throughout the night. Unfortunately for Youngblood, he was nowhere near the net, which is the exact wrong place to be when Curchin is taking a shot. Because of his distance from the net, he got hit just below his right eye.

"We tell our players to stand directly in front of the net when Curchin is taking shots," said Roode 1 after the game. "It is the safest place to be. Unfortunately, Youngblood didn't get the memo."

The silver-lining in the loss, was that the OML proved once again that ‘younger is not better’ when it comes to hockey. The OML played solid throughout the game, while the young-guys seemed frightened and confused, playing a brand of ‘finesse’ hockey, which led to them constantly being stripped of the puck. Sherwood, Bilbo, Lutfy and Tragakis dominated throughout the game, and kept the score from getting out of hand.

“Look, I’m new to the team and the league,” responded the eighteen year-old Pat Hickey, the newest member of the team. “I’m not used to skating with really, really old guys. I wasn’t sure whether to break-out the defibrillator half the time, or to just call 911. These guys look like they are going to keel over at any moment!”

Unfortunately, the ‘YGL’ (Young Guy Line), went (-) 4 on the night, letting in nearly all the goals, and refusing to pass or back-check.

“We need to break-up the lines at this point,” stated Tragakis, during the post-game press-confernce. “We have threatened to do it in the past, and it is time. The OML is aggressive and scrappy, and the YGL has the finesse. If we marry these two strengths together, I think we will be better off. Besides, we need to carry the YGL for a while, until they get used to playing in the 'bigs'.”

The Penguins settled things down in the 3rd period, and although they were unable to convert in the period, they were able to blank Analog, rendering them scoreless as well. The team showed promise, and things can only get better as they continue to gel.

On a sad note, Ryan Curchin was escorted out of the rink after the 2nd period by the referee, as Curchin was having more trouble than usual staying upright while walking, skating and talking. Curchin was rushed to the emergency room to undergo a series of test.

“We have been conducting tests all night,” stated a visibly tired, Dr. Martin Connor of the Mass General Hospital. “We have come to the conclusion that Mr. Curchin is what you would call in layman’s terms an ‘idiot’. Originally we thought he needed a blood-transfusion, due to alcohol poisoning, however we soon realized we were wrong. At this point, all we can do is send Simple Jack...I mean Mr. Curchin back to the team to continue playing hockey. There is nothing we can do here.”

Next week the Penguins & ‘Simple Jack’ will take on the Scorpions in Foxboro. With the expected return of Hombre Del Huevo, the Penguins will have an opportunity to get back on track.

“On one hand I’m concerned we lost the game,” commented the captain, Chris Eighmy. “On the other hand, I’m just glad Curchin is getting the help he needs. Whether it’s the Betty Ford Clinic, or a frontal lobotomy, he will get the help he needs.”

Wear your face-masks, strap on your cages; it is time for more hockey!